^{Banner Image from Tenor}

Interior, a large apartment festooned with festive fall furnishings and frills. Beneath a hastily hoisted Happy Halloween sign there be a bevy of buzzing Barbies beating back beverages to blur their bashfulness. It’s a Halloween party, for sure, but while the decor, costumes, and TikTok-inspired scarecuterie boards match the spirit of the season, there’s something….off, a disquiet beneath the surface incongruous with so many celebrants that would otherwise appear at home in a mojo dojo casa house.

“Hi, Barbie.”

“Hi, Ken.”

“Hi, Barbie.”

“Hi, Barbie.”

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Party Guests (in unison):  Oooh, a scary witch.

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

The party guests return to their inane chit chat, barely acknowledging the additional attendant while they sporadically nibble from the array of military surplus rations laid out as appetizers.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Party Guests (in unison):  Ooooh, Zombie Dick Butkus!

Weird Barbie: Is that too soon?

/DOOR SLAMS SHUT

The Kens and Barbies and Barbies and Barbies go back to talking amongst themselves.  The witch sees a full coven crossing the courtyard and scuttles over to join them. Dick Butkus cautiously approaches a man in a DeShaun Watson jersey and a trenchcoat.

Zombie Dick Butkus: So how’s the party going?

DeShaun Watson: Man, these Barbies are SO HOT, you got any cash?

Zombie Dick Butkus backs away quickly, which is all the better as DeShaun darts toward a man in camouflage screaming out “I’M A SOLDIER” while aggressively touching himself.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Wednesday Addams: Hi, Dick.

/DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Zombie Dick Butkus: Uh, hi.

WA: Is this your first time at the party?

Wednesday smiles with pained eyes.

WA: I suppose it would have to be.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Travis Kelce: Yo, where’s my mom?

/DOOR SLAMS SHUT

/DOOR FLIES BACK OPEN

Jake: Yo, Maauto, you could have held the door for your moms and me.

/DOOR SLAMS SHUT

A different Wednesday Addams emerges from a cobwebbed corner of the kitchen and approaches the costumed Kelces. In fact, peering behind her, they notice an entire coterie of Addams Family members but not like the current Jenna Ortega style but rather a mix of Christina Ricci and Lisa Loring-era Wednesdays, all looking a bit worse for wear. 

Donna Kelce: Hey, Zombie Dick Butkus, do you notice anything strange here?

Zombie Dick Butkus: Huh? I don’t know exactly, but I have noticed that all the guys dressed as football players are dressed like football players who were popular years ago, like OBJ and the 90s Cowboys and Deion Sanders with all his toes.  And they’re ALL zombified.  That guy over there is dressed as Jason Pierre Paul with a mangled hand, and come on, who even remembers that let alone is still making jokes about it?

Taylor Swift: Yeah, I get what you mean.  Sure there are lots of Barbies, Kens, and some Oppenheimers, and some old standby witches and vampires, but why are there also so many Harry Potter and Hermiones?

Travis Kelce: And Jack Sparrows

Jake from State Farm: And is that Austin Powers?

Zombie Dick Butkus: I think I even see a Jeff George and an Art Shell.  And is that….

/CRACK OF LIGHTNING

Al Davis: That’s right, it’s the Cryptkeeper, Al Davis. And perhaps you should have paid attention to whose party it was before you accepted the invitation. You may have current TRENDY costumes for this year, but here, the door flies open and shut for the holiday clad but never does it let them leave. This is my party, and you’ll DIE IF I WANT YOU TO.  BWAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Like the 2023 NFL season, this story makes no sense. But neither does all of us bothering to watch the Lions beat the Raiders last night, a game so putrid the Manningcast took the night off.  Just remember, whichever party you go to, if the costumes are all too similar, too dated, or too punny….get the fuck out of there.

/DOOR SLAMS SHUT

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!