Some days working in the content mines take a longer time than usual. This morning was one of those days. Let’s head off to the races, shall we?
To The Games!
Bucs/Falcons:
“Steady as you could possibly want” Mike Evans might have a splash day because Atlanta cb’s Terrell and Okudah are banged up. I know it’s the NFC South but this is big for the participants. A Tampa win gives them a 39% chance to win the division and an L drops them to 3%. The attendant figures for Atlanta are 81% and 34%.
Colts/Bengals:
There was plenty of talk about Cincy’s triumvirate of wr’s being the league’s best but that hasn’t quite shaken out. Something’s wrong with Higgins and during his absence Boyd hasn’t done anything. Jake “The Poet” Browning came up big last week with 26 fantasy points and should do the same again vs an Indy D that has given up the 6th-most points to opposing qb’s.
Jags/Browns:
The rumor mongers of the sports world are telling me that P. Girlfriend is going to gut it out today on an ankle that was in a boot Monday. I don’t think that boot was made for walking all over that Browns D though. I guess the thought of playing Beat Hard for an entire game sent shivers up the spine of everyone in the organization.
Texans/Jets:
How does the Jets OC still have a job? Does the guy get a pass (snorts) because the front office has so badly botched the qb position? (trading for Dobbs or signing Flacco were options back when Wilson was benched back in the fall yet again) Rook phenom Stroud is completing 60% of his 20+ yard downfield passes-the question is, “Do I throw Noah Brown into the mix in the wake of Dell’s injury?”
Rams/Ravens:
Lamar! hasn’t had a rush TD since week 7 but that may be remedied against a Rams club that has given up 5 to qb’s so far this year. Though unlikely, were Los Angles to win this tilt their playoff aspirations would rise to (aw, crap!) 69%. I’m curious to see what Kupp and Nacua can do vs the league’s best scoring defense.
Lions/Bears:
Detroit’s run game since week 9 (when Gibbs got a solid footing) is the best in the league at expected points added per rush. That’s a handy stat to have in your back pocket given the roller coaster that is the Lions D-keeping them off the field is paramount. The Bears are a sneaky 4-4 in their last eight but the moaning and whining about Eberflus continues unabated.
Panthers/Saints:
We hear way too much about him but Taysom Hill’s 6 combined TD’s are sorely needed on this points-hungry team. The O has badly sputtered and I’d venture that Shaheed would be a star on a functioning offense like the Fins, Niners or Cowboys.
Have at it.
Minshewmania’s dad goes by the name of Flint. Here’s my guess as to his favorite song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4oZCtfmh44&ab_channel=TheDoobieBrothers
The halftime guy just said something about the Rams winning in the Queen City. Isn’t that Cincinnati, not Baltimore?
Having been to both I can’t really see a queen being terribly excited about claiming either.
Birmingham is the Magic City. Why? Who fucking knows?
Willimantic is The Thread City, which is inaccurate because all the mills left years (decades) ago, and also Romantic Willimantic, which is inaccurate because, well, (waves vaguely at Willimantic), that.
Correct. Cincinnati and Charlotte. Baltimore is Charm City.
Harry’s Bar is very charming.
“I thought it was San Fr…and there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos, it will be a home run. And so that will make it a 4-0 ballgame…ancisco.” – Thom Brennaman
If Thom had stuck to “queens” on that subject he might still have a job.
…and Nick Scott just killed BJ Hill. Fantastic.
See, this is the sneaky good Rams team that I had envision-boarded three weeks into the season-unstoppable chain-movers Nacua and Kupp paired with a D centered around Donald. Kyren’s production is just a bonus.
Houston-NY Jets: Rain or HyperDerpNess?
Jets D is putting on a show and Wilson should have stayed behind the fence where he belongs.
Hey! Nobody draws an unnecessary roughness flag like ol’ Zach.
Must have asked that guy’s mother out.
Nico’s Status: Questionable (to attend All Tomorrow’s Parties)
Prison Girlfriend is tougher than the chow hall’s meat loaf.
Definitely used more conditioner than usual in the shower this morning.
Mo Alie-Cox sounds like a rapper dreaming about Calista Flockhart being trans.
Deep cut right here.
It took a while to get there.
You know he’s on Lady G’s Senate fantasy team!
Even Younghoe can has a bad day
I foresee a pimp hand in his near future.
#SilkyDontPlay
Younghoe had an awful first few years. He Chargered the Chargers his rookie season. (Or maybe the Chargers Chargered him.)
I’m more than a little surprised that he got back into the league and is kicking so well now for the Falcons.
He didn’t really blossom until he came under the tutelage of Silky Gerrard.
Kruger and the rain are suggesting a snooze. But I really don’t wanna miss Donks/Clips. I know I have tomorrow’s column, but I could just make shit up.
I’m in Riverside, babysitting the critters, because SIL is going to that game.
Buddy, we understand about half of what you write every week. Go ahead and nap, just make it funny tomorrow.
Lions Bears at the 1st half 2 minute warning in just over an hour. Acting like they both just want to get TF out of Chicago.
I just got home and turned the TV on. Maybe I should go back out.
Just imagine if the Jets D was paired with a slightly above average offense. They run roughshod over the entire league!
really shoulda just ran wishbone all year
Bring out Lowratio for the SAFETY DANCE!
(this has to constitute some kind of hate crime)
SW Ohio says NO to teh Gay!
ELITE SLANT ROUTE
ELITERCEPTION
Old-as David Beckham made that catch a lot harder than it needed to be.
Minshew looks really wobbly after getting clocked. Announcers noted it, said he should be looked at, and then immediately forgot about it when he wasn’t.
“He can easily play through that back spasm”
-Miami medical team
Protocol?? I ain’t no Elder of Zion! – Gardner M., Greenville, NC (he played at ECU)
DonT is boat racing me in Vodka, so my futile endeavoUrs will get me 7-7, no playoffs x2.
Never made the playoffs once in that league. Next hear we have a 2nd lesgue with promotion and relegation. Judt need to find someone to commish who isnt in Ligue Un.
The Poet just might have a starting job next year! (on another team)
One assumes Brocky is against a Mr. Elite/Njoku stack.
I am pissed enough to do billable work. But I’d still prefer to not.
I have 5 interviews this week, at least one of them better result in me getting paid eventually
Ugh, we really should just have a bank robbery caper instead.
Let’s rob an online casino! Oceans 1011!
[jots down idea to pitch to the DFO Insiders]
ah mean, if you call it a “caper” can they really even arrest you for it??
The Rams Kuppola is full. OF TD’S!
From up here the 500s game looks riveting.
All 5 seconds I’ve seen on red zone looked good
[turns on TV]
Jaguars-Browns? What the fuck did I do to deserve this?
[thinks about the time he talked a girl into giving up her virginity to him and then completely and totally ghosted her]
Oh, right, that. Still, seems a bit excessive.
Is your favorite movie “Predator”?
No, “Cruel Intentions”.
There we go.
Moar liek ‘Gone In 60 Seconds’ amirite?
Speaking of Benches, Part Deux: We should do a best ball league so that these bad decisions are taken out of our hands.
Speaking of fantasy benches, sticking P. Girlfriend there looks like a good idea so far.
One of the problems with the Lions D is that Andzalone dude at linebacker. But he’s gritty (“slow”) and Campbell likes those guys.
Rachad White, stopped inside the 1 because goddamned of course he is.
3 of 4 leagues Sir Hippo. Ugggh
Fuck that piece of shit Anzalone with a barb-wire wrapped paper towel roll.
Browning and Chase Brown, on Hippo’s bench.
I knew you didn’t like the browns, smh…
The fantasy bench is where players go to achieve greatness
Woo, in Chicago with red zone on, a fridge full of booze and snacks, a brand new cocktail book to peruse, and probably sexy time later! My freezer vodka team will probably tank to provide a counterpoint to the fun stuff
Rex Grossman is back on the Bears!?
How many teams would Joe Flacco be an upgrade for, as QB1?
Browns
Jets
Panthers
…
Giants
Commie-Dacteds?
I was thinking about Howell but he’s racked up the yards. Maybe he’s just a compiler though.
I think he’s hard to evaluate since he’s only played while the team has been in flux
THIS GUY SAM HOWELL I CALL HIM FORTRAN ETC. ETC.
pats
“Did somebody say something about pats?” – my pets
D’aww
It’s basically like that every night when it gets chilly. The cat will start yelling at me if I don’t make my lap available by 7 p.m. or so.
Steelers maybe.
E
L
I
T
E
Browns on the board right quick.
in a Elite fashion!
And Bengalis too!
Are there Cummins engine groupies? Fractured Skull Boy got his treasured truck on Thursday and has a new girlie friend on Saturday!
It’s probably the engine, that seems more likely than a fractured skull groupie
I don’t envy fractured skull groupies, hanging out at hospitals, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. So giddy at the possibility and then…
“The victim? Is it a head injury perhaps? Oh, a broken leg? That’s a bad break for him and me.”
Head injury groupies are probably the most misunderstood subset of NFL jersey-chasers.
YOUR SON: What would it take for you to go out with me?
GIRL: A cracked skull.
[one month later]
YOUR SON: Come on, you promised.
GIRL: [is trapped by the “Canadians always keep their promises” loophole] Shit. I should have been more specific.
I cant stream anything on this nickle and dime wifi. Curse you Westjet!
https://twitter.com/dylanchavasse/status/1733886122458014173?t=R3KYsDFJhE4yKW1XHXke_w&s=19
Ham? Burgers? Multiples of five? That twitter post is like a window into Andy Reid’s soul.
Winter thunderstorms are the absolute tits. Shame I need to resist a nap.
“bears are a sneaky 4-4 in their last eight” because they know their own personal tank is no longer needed. thanks panthers and cards!
and especially, thanks stillers!
i would say “thanks pats” as well, but im not giving them credit for what they always do (beat the stillers)
A lot of Northen Lights chasers on this flight to Yellowknife.
One of the more surreal moments I had was in the winter, driving down to the warehouse from Timmins at two in the morning and needing to pee. I was on the side of the road and the Northern Lights were blazing and it was like taking a leak inside a kaleidoscope.
Hmm, these simple minded Canucks seem to value their lighted sky… Maybe we should conquer their land to see what the big deal is?
Oh you just wait until the Fresh Water Wars start. We’ll be hip deep in Canuck blood before they can apologize.
Unpopular opinion, but I have very much enjoyed the 2023 NFL season. It’s always unpredictable, but it’s hit a new level that way. Defenses have also effectively counterpunched, and I am already intrigued to see how OCs re-re-adjust in 2024.
The ugly games have been atrocious but they are entertaining in their own way on this site and there have been a ton of outstanding tilts as well. I also like to see former doormats finding their way. (Texans, Lions)
What’s a Texans?
A Mexican on his way to Oklahoma.
(stole that from Semi-Tough)
It’s amazing how a 5-game winning streak can change your outlook on the season.
my new theory on the AFC West is that we will have a three-way tie for last, all 7-10
I’d be delighted if the Raiders got to 7-10. I still can’t believe the Chargers have been so mediocre under Justin Herbert. After the 2021 season I was thinking “welp, that’s the last time these guys will be on the bubble” but nope, they’re still there.
(meaning that I thought they would be a lock for at least a wild card and even compete for the division sometimes).
They somehow caught Brownsing, I didn’t realize it was contagious
Get ready for the screams of agony now – Hippo be starting Minshew Mania over CJ Stroud (Jets + weather worries). Less gallingly, Founding Fathers ahead of KHunt or Breece Hall. I am sure that will also be wrong, but is at least defensible.
The first mock draft this off-season, (assuming I remember I’m supposed to do them), is going to be punchable faces.
Jordan Pickford is a dark horse for a Top 5 pick. How is teammates haven’t murdered him in his sleep is a mystery.
I’ll go with Bellingham. Or Rodrigo. Or Vini.
Really, the entire Real Madrid lineup.
/Don T spits on ground.
He’s kept us up (almost single-handed) twice, he can be as big of a tit as he wants!
I feel so good this morning. Why don’t I feel this good *every* morning?
Oh, right, the alcohol.
I gave up scotch for about three weeks but got into it last night. I’m with you.
I’ve got Everton-Chelsea here. Can’t imagine Dad’s too happy right now. And I see that ‘Fulhamish’ seems to be taking on an entirely different reason the last couple of weeks.
Been great! Best team in West London!
aaaannnnnndddd IF you KNOW your history….
Hey now 2 nil!!! Old Willy!!!
THREE? Whites really putting plaid to the Great Replacement of late, amirite??
When the hell did we learn to score??
Clubhouse derby! Cottagers v Hammers while both are actually playing well and scoring goals. God damn Kudus is fucking strong.
I am heading to the airport. Will miss 2nd half.
Also will miss most of football day as I do not think that on my Yellowknife-Rankin Inlet-Iqaluit leg that Air North has wifi.
Jimenez just scored. 1-0 whites. Beautiful flat cross from Palinha (?) with GREAT pace caught Cresswell completely flatfooted and the header had Fabianski rooted. Great goal.
2-0. Willian. Your boys are FLYING. West Ham tripping all over their feet. Looks like a laugher 31 minutes in.
3-0. Hammers never got off the bus. Click.
rough scheduling, but those sex slaves ain’t gonna smuggle themselves, inshallah!
I have wine, weed, edibles, produce, meat, bread for my week. I may have a per diem but I know the cost of stuff up there.
What the bananas are you doing up there? Freelance bartending?
Helping the indigenous folk at their post office as obv Canada Post is very crucial to the north.
Make sure you speak slowly and loudly, eh?
Yeah, and you’re gonna wanna work ‘you people’ into as many conversations as possible.
I legit just chortled loudly
If you and another worker put a piece of mail in the same slot elbow them and ask if that means you’re Eskimo brothers now.
Sir, I am management and not allowed to touch mail. I have to ask a serf to do it….
Site appropriate
That’s the Dr. Mrs. RTD Esq. origin story
I once suggested that we get a new Dyson for her birthday. Man…that did not go over well. I’m fortunate to still have all my fingers and toes.
I did get Mrs. Horatio a Dyson for our anniversary one year. She loved it. We needed a new vacuum, we had two cats and a dog, and that thing picked up more hair than I’d ever seen before. They’re also not cheap.