Ides +1 of December Football-ganza

We have lots of Premiership fun, lots of super-duper mediocre JV NFL exhibitions.  Our esteemed scotchnaut will be here shortly to cover the real entertainment product of the day (so happy the Donks got picked for late night).  Without further ado, this what yew git:

You can sleep in, no early bird fixture.  USA televises City of Men hosting Uncle Woy’s creaky-ass Palace (10:00), but I recommend streaming Red-Hot Mighty Whitey away to reeling Geordie Arabia.  Much like Men Untied, the House of Saud crashed out of European play entirely (no parachute to Zooropa when you finish bottom of the group).  It’s delightful.  Equally red-hot Cherries host Luton Town as well, and could be worth a watch.

Spotlight Dance is…the Sean Dyche homecoming?  Anyway, it’s Everton away to Burnley (12:30, NBC), which us about on par with JV exhibition play – but certainly not the NFL slate.  I’ll keep it on the tablet, muted.

Loads of crucial matchups on Sunday, with USA’s doubleheader of Arsenal hosting Brighton (9:00) followed by the aforementioned Men Untied taking their Bataan Death March through Anfield (11:30).  I can’t even watch to point and laugh, as the goddamned vile Redshite will be the beneficiaries of Red Devil dysfunction.  Meh.

On to the exhibitioning!

Myrtle Beach Has a Goddamned Bowl Bowl – Georgia Southern (-3.5) v. Ohio (11:00, ESPN)

There is no college in Myrtle Beach (sadly, I’ve been there this century, kids’ birthday request), so this is being played at Coastal Carolina’s stadium in Conway, South Cakalaky.  Imagine going to a game named after this White Trash Mecca, having to play Ohio not-State or Directional Georgia, you can’t even see the goddamned ocean, AND kickoff is before noon?  Maybe make some better life choices next time, bruh.

N’Awlins By Way of Military Industrial Complex Bowl – Jacksonville State (-3.5) v. Louisiana-Lafayettes (2:15, ESPN)

Don’t you think these games would be more interesting if they made these AI-generated sides play against real ones?  Jacksonville State is where Rich Rodriguez landed with a thud, in case that is useful for bar trivia.

Hipster Dickwad Avocado Toast Bowl – Miami-OH (+5.5) v. Appalachain State (3:30, ABC)

It’s weird to Hippo that Happy Appy will be on broadcast network TV.  Not that anyone will be watching, mind.  Well, maybe in prisons that ain’t got cable nor Wi-Fi.  Watch this be the only fun game of the day, now.

We Finally Had a Qualifying Team From Our State Bowl – New Mexico State (-3.5) v. Fresno State (5:45, ESPN)

Not much of a road trip for Jerry Kill’s crew, mind.  But I’m reasonably sure they will have 90% of the four of five hundred fans in attendance.  NMSU beat Auburn, so I guess they have MOAR on their resume than the Bulldogs, if one is gamblin.

RIP Jimmy Kimmel Bowl Bowl – California-Los Angeles (-3.5) v. Boise State (7:30, ABC)

Westwood Klavern can just walk to their exhibition destination.  I guess this is a pretty nice break from an Idaho winter, so I will pick Boise to cover and win outright.  Fuck off, I am high as balls.  But not Balls.

Can One Really Sponsor Independence? Bowl – California (+2.5) v. Texas Tech (9:15, ESPN)

I thought they always put a directional Louisiana/Alabama/Mississippi team in this exhibition, to ensure attendance beyond hobos getting out of the rain?  Or maybe Shreveport is a lot kewler than I give it credit for.  Anyway, Guns Up!! will give the galdurn hippies some free speedholes.  This one ain’t even be close.