HO, HO, HO!!  Santa Ginger Hammer saved the big goodies for this festive Monday, but we still got to open some socks and cartons of cigarettes Christmas Eve.

Maybe more like “hats and T-shirts that won’t need shipping to sub-Saharan Afrika after all” for Detroit, who finally got their Division title – their first in THIRTY years.  Think about how unlikely that drought is, even if divisions used to contain 5 teams.  But the worst 400+ yard passing performance you’ll ever see…ended with Rockabye’s 4th pickerception of the day.  Justin Jefferson was downright heroic, but he couldn’t drag his crew to the win single-handedly.  2023’s Fuck LioUns move to 11-4, and could still conceivably move up to the 1 or (more likely) 2 line in the NFC.  30-24 was your final.

I really like unique sportsball occurrences, and I don’t recall a team losing both placement kicker AND punter in the same game – but it happened to #ThePauls (of course) – and they still WON, in a 36-7 laugher.  Sadly, we did not see Mr. Elite kick extra points, they just always went for two/it (on 4th down).  Garbage time made 36-7 into sommet more respectable, but Case Keenum was capital-b BAD.  It’s going to be a tough climb for the 500s to get back into playoff position, even if Stroud can play next week.

The biggest story for CLE?  Amari Cooper had a fucking day, setting the franchise record with 265 yards receiving.  You have to think management enjoyed erasing Josh Gordon from the record books.

For the second week running, Jacoby Brissett took a ded Commanders team to a near-miraculous comeback.  Only this time, WAS actually overcame a 27-7 deficit to take the lead late.  How embarrassing for the comically inept Rebecca Malone (who started for Sharky, who still kicked Hippo’s Vodka arse).  Monkey Trev got one last chance, and checked down to Breece Hall again and again, just enough for a game-winning 54 yard FG.  30-28, much swamp rejoicing.

Weird game in Charlotte, given how the Black Panthers defense has kept them in games all season.  Finally, the offense clicked a bit – and Carolina gave up 33 points to the Packers, who eked out the 3-point win despite blowing a 14-point lead late.  The many transplant Wisconites in attendance enjoyed it, at least.

I have no idea how the SeaTruthers keep pulling wins out of the deepest recesses of their ass.  But pull them out they do, time and again.  El Tractorcito had a passing AND a late rushing TD…but they just couldn’t get a stop.  Geno finally found his 8th-string TE for an impressive contested catch, securing a 20-17 road win and keeping playoff hopes not just alive, but perhaps likely.  They close with PIT and AZ, not exactly murderers’ row.

Fat Humps/Falcons seemed like an even matchup on paper, but on the Megatron’s Butthole turf…it was all Atlanta.  Schizo team is schizo, and you got to see “Bad Minshew” this week.  29-10, and the team nobody wants to see make the playoffs stays alive.

The battle FOAR North-Central Florida (ewwwwww) goes to the MRSA Men.  Prison Girlfriend cleared the concussion protocol just in the nice of time…but had a horrible, no good game.  Rushed back from a high ankle sprain, wait a few weeks, rush off concussion protocol.  Leave him in DOWN 4 SCORES ON THE ROAD, and he hurts his shoulder.  So.  Fucking.  Stupid.  A garbage dozen makes the final 30-12, Tampa’s 4th on the spin.  Peaking at the right time.

Equally uncompetitive?  The home Bearistocrats! murder-killed the Qards.  What a weird team, at their best they can look fantastic.  Sort of a microcosm of Strawberry Fields, individually.  It was 21-nil before I noticed what was happening, and they more or less just played out the string to 24-10 into Q4.  You saw the alpha and omega of Fields in Q4, making insane athletic plays and keeping drives alive, killing the defense’s soul.  Then…making an incredibly dumb decision to unnecessarily force the ball into tight coverage for a pick.  You were in chip shot range to make it a 3-score game.  Just don’t fuck up.  Against a non-AZ opponent, that maybe comes back to bite you.  As it was, they just cut the final margin to 11 (courtesy of a last-minute FG after AZ failed on 4th and 6 from their own 27).  Chi****’s life on the hamster wheel keeps on spinning.

10-4 Dallas (who everyone thinks is soft) travels to South Florida to face the 10-4 LOLfins (who everyone thinks are soft).  I kind of still think they’re both soft?  Until Q4, it was the punters and placement men doing all the work.  But Miami was softer.  Fucking assholes.  BLEERGH helped, but the LOLfins clearly cocked it up and bear responsibility for same.  20-19 final.  FUCK YOU, DOLPHIN.  OK, I was wrong to think it was done when DAL took the lead.  Miami converted several key 3rd downs, bled the clock and kicked a 30-yarder at the gun for 22-20.  Neither of these teams is winning 2+ road games in January, I only add “2+” because there’s a chance of playing the Bucs or Jaguras in the 4/5, respectively.

Xmas Eve Night Special?  Sommet only a Donks homer could love, home to the bottom-feeding P*ts.  Mile High served as something of a “bogey ground” back when New England was at their (admittedly excellent) peak.  Surely their current iteration shouldn’t put up much of a fight?  Getting Warner and Eisen on the call is a GREAT Xmas gift for Hippo.  Even Other Hippo likes how they call a game!

(We shall speak no further of the actual game, which Hippo turned off at 10:23 EST.  SAD PANDA.)

Enjoy your Christmas morning, cook pancakes so everyone naps.  Then, GIT READY FOAR SUM FITBAW, because we gots a tripleheader cooking!