Sorry kids. Shitty weeks plus misbehaving neurochemistry means you get Grouchy Rev tonight.

First, we have another stuck boat. But this time instead of boat constipating world commerce, boat destroyed a major bridge and killed some folks. It also blocked one of America’s largest ports. I told you the boats would take vengeance if we kept cheering on the orcas…

Then we have not one but TWO big gambling scandals in other sports.

The NBA one is pretty straight-forward: Jontay Porter, journeyman power forward/center with the Toronto Raptors appears to have been shaving points. Well, the modern and more sophisticated version (Brought to You By DraftKings™) which is apparently called “spot fixing.” I always thought of prop bets as the province of the truly degenerate gamblers, in large part because:

1. Those were the only people I ever saw place them, and

2. I watched a man sobbing on the floor of a sportsbook after he lost $500 betting that Desean Jackson would score first against the Bills.

These aren’t the haha funny bets people make for the Super Bowl on the coin toss or how long the anthem goes. These are the bets that a person places because they need action and stakes on a minute-by-minute basis, because just betting on the final outcome doesn’t get their blood rushing adequately anymore.

They are also incredibly easy to fix if you are the player featured in the prop bet. In both games under investigation, large betting volume was seen on the “under” for Porter’s already-modest projected stats. In both cases, he removed himself from the game after a few minutes due to illness or injury, promptly making the Under bettors a tidy sum. This would all be statistical inference and circumstantial evidence, except that Porter is very active in gambling, including getting people to pay for access to betting advice. So yeah, Porter is going to have his head mounted on a spike as a warning to others- he’s the perfect amount of expendable.

On the other end of expendability is Shohei Ohtani. Baseball’s premier international attraction, likely best player, new star for MLB’s current leading franchise and (eventually) $700 million man. The nüYankee Dodgers made an unprecedented play for the two-way star, and now it looks like things are blowing up in their (and MLB’s) face. I won’t belabor the details, except to point out that the original bullshit explanation put forth by Ohtani’s reps (that he had wired multiple $500k payments to a California bookie to cover his interpreter’s gambling debts) could still result in criminal charges for Ohtani in the wire fraud/money laundering area of the federal statutes.

So far everyone- EVERYONE- from the interpreter to the bookie has been very quick to fall on the sword here in terms of disavowing 1. any actual betting by or on behalf of Ohtani, and 2. any betting on baseball. One might say suspiciously so.

MLB has every reason to play the gullible simp here and accept everything at face value. They can’t afford questions surrounding the integrity of the game, not when they’re trying to sell the public on some good ol’ fashioned wholesome in-game betting from the stands. Nor can they cut loose the Modern Babe Ruth, one of their increasingly rare household-name stars.

The real question is the Feds. If they choose to keep digging, what will they find? And will they choose to follow through if evidence points to Ohtani having more knowledge or role than simply the gullible guy who trusted the wrong friend?

Finally, you Canadia(u)ns better get off your ice fishing stools and get your shit together TOOT FUCKING SWEET. The Canadian Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve , (a.k.a. the International Strategic Reserve and the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve) is at CRITICALLY LOW LEVELS. You were so concerned with your teachers’ strikes and your provincial budget shortfalls that you took your eyes off what really matters. So two things:

1. Why have you not converted one of your more pointless provinces into a vast sugar maple grove, and

2. Who the HELL thought putting this precious national- nay, international- resource in Quebec was a good idea? I don’t care where it’s produced or what string-pulling shadowy cartel underlies this system. This would be like us taking Fort Knox, all our nuclear weapons, the Constitution and the secret formula to Coke and plopping them down in the Florida Panhandle. Nationalize that shit and get it somewhere safe.

NFL News:

-No more hip-drop tackles. Over howls from defensive players and (kinda strangely) the NFLPA, the league voted to outlaw another kind of tackle that injures players at an alarming rate. Note that this was the same response to the “no using your helmet as a weapon” and “no crippling a defenseless receiver” rules. Per usual, defenders will adjust. I don’t usually credit the league as the more responsible party in almost any situation, but c’mon NFLPA. Represent your players’ interests, not just their attitudes.

-Less controversially, but with a bigger minute-to-minute impact on games, the league also passed another round of Kick-Off Reforms. Apparently now everyone except the kicker starts on the receiving side of the field, no one except the kicker and returner(s) (up to two) can move until the ball hits the ground or hits a player inside “the landing zone,” and if the kicker kicks it out of bounds it initiates a “Multi-Ball” situation, where four additional footballs are fired into play by air cannons and any player on either team can run it in for a touchdown.

Wait, no.  That’s blernsball.

Anyway, no fair catches, touchbacks come to the 30, and they’re hoping to boost the return rate from 21% to 80%. It’s gonna look weird though.