Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
It is more important to know what sort of person has a disease that to know what sort of disease a person has [in bed].”
Hippocrates
I’d argue that you should know both, and even then, use protection.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
It may not have been his best position and there may have been better first basemen, but I’m not letting anyone else take Mr. Cub. I’ll start with Ernie Banks.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Fun fact: “Mr. Cub” is the name that Lowratio’s will be referred to on the evening of May 4th at the Cornblower residence, where he’ll be issued the following costume:
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Yub Nub!
LemonJello
I select Who [on first]
Game Time Decision
…and don’t need large humans smashing into each other every 37 seconds in order to get an erection.
YOU STAY OUT OF MY BROWSER HISTORY!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
welcome to hell, caitlin clark
fleshwound_NPG
I pick Dr. Walnutt Knuckles, the doctor who gave me a prostate exam this afternoon. That ought to have counted for first base at least.
Artists conception:
BugEyedBoo
We adopted a puppy!! She’s being flown up from Kauai and we pick her up in an hour!! SOFT PUPPY EARS AND BELLY AND NOSE AND KISSES
There will be photos and video galore once she is settled in. We have not agreed on a name yet.
I am so excited
ThePirateSloth
Here is my dog, Jezebel, who is gonna be so excited to have a tiny version of herself running around soon.
https://www.instagram.com/p/C5znef7LZyr
ThePirateSloth
So, my girlfriend is, shall we say, paranoid about food safety, and thinks everything in her freezer is poisonous because the freezer lost power for a couple of hours.
The good news is that my apartment now has a freezer full of meat.
Dunstan
That’s no way to refer to your late girlfriend.
LemonJello
I am high as fuck. Good news, I cleverly preplanned for this, and purchased the best gas station fried chicken that money can buy. No shit, the Tower Mart can fry a bird, it’s spectacular. I will have to twirl around the kitchen making something to go with it, but even if I fuck up potatoes somehow, dinner will be awesome!
Gumbygirl
Watching the Yankee game and, Jesus Christ, these new uniforms look like something I’d send back as too cheap for one of my son’s Little League teams. Just complete garbage.
Horatio Cornblower
But how will this effect the Leaf’s playoff chances
Game Time Decision
“Today, the American stock market crashed as open civil war broke out between the Evangelicals, who want a theocracy instead a democracy, and people who live in reality. But in more important matters, does the change of the Leaf’s head coach signal a change in game plan? Join us for our 3 hour discussion here on the CBC.”
ArmedandHammered
fuck bettman
fleshwound_NPG
Holy christ I thought the playbook-in-the-car thing was a joke. I swear, the actual news is festooned with so much such spectacular raw stupidity these days, I honestly don’t know if “sketch comedy writer” would be the easiest job in the world today or the most difficult.
Fronkenshteen
Found a funny:
COP: blow into this please
ME: plays a tasty solo on the breathalyzer like a blues harmonica
COP: that’s dope how are you doing that
rockingdog
Who among us hasn’t smuggled a weasel or two in Finland?
Gumbygirl
I’m told* it’s considered somewhat of a sacred duty among the Finns.
*I’m not sure how credible a source Lowratio is.
Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower
Balls got paired with Quentin Tarantino obvs.
Also, what constitutes “L.A. Cold?” Upper 50s??
King Hippo
If I did, this post would have A LOT more feet references…
ballsofsteelandfury
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
“HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN’ BOYS?!?”
LemonJello
Just agreed to climb Mt. Katahdin with my son in late July.
So if there’s a death pool on my I’d start investing heavily on that last weekend.
Horatio Cornblower
fucking knew us fat humps would fuck this up. nuke indiana from orbit
(give me advanced warning, tho)
https://www.sbnation.com/wnba/2024/4/17/24133472/caitlin-clark-wnba-creepy-question-reporter-indiana-fever-introduction
fleshwound_NPG
It’s only cringe because most of us coastal elites don’t realize that the entire midwest has only progressed from the 1950s by having better beer and more premarital sex. We have both those things, plus we pretend to be offended when someone uses a slur and we recognize the right of women to work full time in addition to all the unpaid work a housewife does. Also we have beaches, because we wouldn’t be coastal elites without a coast.
Doktor Zymm
Aren’t you in Chicago?
WCS
No, that was an hour ago. Now she’s in Tibet.
SonOfSpam
Coding interview in about an hour. Really tempted to cancel and have a beer instead as I doubt I’m really gonna want to move to Singapore/Bangkok over the next few years. Should do the interview anyway for practice and I will, but I will be grumpy for the next hour.
Doktor Zymm
Do it for practice WHILE having a beer.
Sharkbait
WCS
Whoa, interview passed! I’ve never had a company get back to me 30 minutes later, that’s amazingly quick turnaround
Doktor Zymm
Mrs. Horatio met her sister and her sister’s kids for dinner tonight. I had “too much work” and, aw shucks, couldn’t make it. But I did pay for dinner, and I did order a pizza for myself and they did, for reasons that I do not understand and never will, manage to substitute artichoke for sausage on my pizza and it’s too far to go back and I’m hungry enough that I’m going to eat it anyway but it’s
Horatio Cornblower
WTF. War crime.
Mr. Ayo
Dirty dump is Najeh Davenport’s go to move, too
BrettFavresColonoscopy
If I don’t get any of this round of job interviews, think I might move back to Chicago and just fly out here every week and camp for horseback riding. Flying out weekly and parking/campsite fees net out to less than my rent if I play it right, and my rent is actually super cheap for the Bay
Doktor Zymm
It’s 4:20pm on 4/20! Big whoop…
scotchnaut
Guess me and a couple of the granddaughters are going to have a Pedro day. Cabrillo marine museum, Korean Friendship Bell, Pt. Fermim park, maybe Sunken City. Should be fun.
Life ain’t all bad when eldest granddaughter is the designated driver.
yeah right
Is the plan for Rob & Ryan to shepherd Wrexham back to top-league football and then sell the team to a trustworthy ownership group?
Fronkenshteen
Rob & Ryan?
WCS
As opposed to Andy, who wrecks ham.
Senor Weaselo
Faced with the hated DFO conundrum: I need to get going and run some errands, but I also need to put in pants to run said errands.
Truly a wretched situation.
Horatio Cornblower
The two most notable things when I stepped out of the work bunker this week:
- Real 🤬 Madrid is unstoppable. Annoying, but true.
2. 😂
Don T
My first concert. My mom drove me there.
Brick Meathook
Found a funny:
billboard: hey look at me
me: can’t I’m driving
billboard: come on look
me: eyes on the road
billboard: pls it’s important
me: fine what is it
billboard: drive safely lol
rockingdog
Where am I?
DJ TAJ
You’re at the old content mines! Don’t let OSHA catch you there!
LemonJello
Found a funny:
Inside me there are two wolves. This is not enough to control the deer population inside me, which is degrading the river ecology inside me. I’m attempting to release more
wolves inside me to address this, but the ranchers inside me object, and
rockingdog
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
If you have to get the flu, the first weekend of the NHL playoffs is not a bad time to be stuck on the couch (in between trips to the bathroom).
Just had some solid food for the first time this weekend — here’s hoping for the best!
Dunstan
Did you catch a case of…..THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS?!
(Was that right? Playoffs and not being well?)
blaxabbath
Well, unlike the Leafs, I have managed not to shit the bed so far.
Dunstan
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Worldy from…KAI HAVERTZ???
If the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols take all 3 points, Horatio’s dad will have to take Lowratio on his walks for a FULL WEEK.
I’ve already heard from Dad. His suggestion was that Chelsea try passing to other Chelsea players instead of to Arsenal.
a bold strategem they can work on over the summer, no doubt!
I dunno if we really need this much Pecker exposure in our Tuesday. But lots of Pecker is what we got anyhow. MOAR Pecker tomorrow FFS!
THIS TRUMP TRIAL, I CALL IT A MILITARY URINALYSIS BECAUSE EVERYONE IS WATCHING PECKERS!
.
Goddammit, Rhode Island.
https://twitter.com/meldasilva9/status/1782742078016901629
Look, when you need your coffee milk asap, you don’t have time to stop.
Just doing some research for the draft. Big upside to this guy.
https://twitter.com/JaguarGator9NFL/status/1782792293981757517
Even in the off season, it’s still fun to dunk on the Jets
Saleh ain’t responsible for all 13 years .
/looks at that 30 TD chart, sighs
Once again, being a Dolphins fan is just an exercise in saying “well, at least I’m not a fan of the Bears, Browns, or Commanders.”
Just a heads up for anyone following Mango Unchained’s (first) criminal trial – Pecker will be up at 11 a.m. EST. Let’s hope he doesn’t collapse on the stand.
Don’t they have pills for that now?
Why are you asking me when we’ve got a resident pill guy right here in the clubhouse?
I do not want to presume that he needs the Pfizer made blue pills.
“Mango Unchained”
*Chef’s kiss*
hopefully chained today or soon