Ah Spring. When the grass begins growing, the basketball and hockey playoffs still feel fresh, and the pollen counts are so high that even Josh Gordon thinks maybe them plants should take it down a notch.

It’s also the time for my annual Book Binge. Being an antisocial nerdlinger, I read a lot throughout the year and pick up books on friends’ suggestions. However, Spring is when I actually sit down and figure out the main books I want to read for the next year. I blame the predatory marketing bonanza known as the Scholastic Book Fair.

This year, the list started off with Martha Wells’ All Systems Red, starring a self-emancipated vat-grown security cyborg that calls itself “Murderbot.” Apparently I am the last nerd on Earth to find this series (the aptly-named Muderbot Diaries) because there are not only a bunch of novels and novellas, but there is a streaming adaptation coming. Needless to say, the rest of The List is on hold while I rip through the rest of this series.

I know you reprobates are probably watching basketball or hockey, but dump some series recommendations in the comments.

NFL News:

-MAJOR ALERT! ZACH WILSON IS ON THE MOVE! Yes, the supreme dumpster fire of a #2 pick has been traded from the Jets (along with a seventh round pick) to the Denver Broncos for a sixth round pick. In other words, to move up from Pick 256 (second to last) to Pick 203, the cost was a Zach Wilson (and half his salary). Going by the updated version of Jimmy Johnson’s  Draft Pick Trade Value Chart, that puts Wilson’s value at equivalent to a half-rotten cantaloupe.

For current starting quarterback (snigger) Jarrett Stidham, this is probably good news. Zach Wilson isn’t exactly challenging for QB1, and the fact that they didn’t bring in Serious Free Agent Competition like Ryan Tannehill means that in the absence of a start-right-away rookie, Stidham is probably secure as your Week 1 Starter.

For the Jets, it was probably about as good as you were going to get. Wilson has a giant yellow flag stapled to his back, signifying that not only is he a bust, but the kind of bust that can infect your team with a sort of contact bustness and bring down the overall talent level around him.

For Wilson, this is great. He gets $5 million for nothing. Wilson’s not even going to be holding the clipboard; he’s going to be the guy holding the jockstrap of the guy holding the clipboard. Hell, maybe he can get a vigorous handjob from Lauren Boebert if this season’s theatre schedule works out.

– Jolly old fun uncle Andy Reid got a contract extension through 2029. Fuck that guy.

-Rumours persist that San Francisco receiver Brandon Aiyuk

may be this year’s AJ Brown: a disaffected young wideout playing on the last year of his rookie contract and looking for a Big Deal gets traded during the Draft.

Now, the Brown trade worked out well for almost everyone involved: Philly got a star who helped get them to the Super Bowl, Brown got paid, and Titans GM Jon Robinson got fired.

Hmmm.

Anyway, it’s a weird year to try and shop a receiver for (presumably) a first round pick, since it is a Deep Class of receivers who you don’t have to pay huge money. I assume this will blow over, largely because Buffalo doesn’t have the cap space for him and few other teams would take that chance on a WR1b/2.

-I was thinking about Laremy Tunsil’s gas mask video, and it raised a question: now that weed is generally permissible in the NFL and much of society, what is the new go-to October Surprise scandal to leak in order to get a draft pick to fall?

NON-NFL NEWS

-WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH EXISTENTIAL THREATS, YOU ASSHOLES!