Welcome back to this week’s recap of our brief hellscape respite.  Stupid 8-3 split, but at least my late window boredom makes for good writing conditions.  That and drugs.

Noo Yawk’s football Jest didn’t make a first down until inside the first half’s 2-minute warning.  Despite this stone age start, they managed three offensive TDs and 27 points.  The last of which came after declining to let Q-aron go for it on 4th and 2 late.  Of all teams, the Fat Humps went right down the pitch and scored the winning TD.  28-27, visitors remain barely alive.  Jest are 3-8 and D-E-D.  Thank heaven for small mercies.

Will Levis played as well as he is capable, and the Tits lost at home to the Vikings anyway.  23-13 is your final, and I barely noticed anything but the long TD to Westbrook-Ikhine.  Touch of Downs reverted to his “solid game manager” mode.  We’ll see if it holds.

London’s Jaguras actually took a 3-nil lead, away to the Fuck LioUns.  Homeys were NOT impressed, and closed on a 52-3 run.  Baby Buster rebounded from his 5-INT performance last week (in a win) with 4 bills and 4 scores.  Detroit looks downright terrifying for January.  The Greatest Living American tells Hippo that the 52-6 final is Scoigami.  So, YAY.

Another AFC North classic slobberknocker, another Mike Tomlin Voodoo day in SWPA.  Yinzers never sniff the end zone, but SIX placements would provide all the points they needed.  Wolven Sort alumnus Payton Wilson made the pickerception of the decade, and even when the Ratbirds finally answered with their 2nd TD – the deuce was no good, and PIT got the one first down they needed (despite Strawberry Fields sliding a yard short on their 2nd down play) to run the clock out.  18-16, Yinzers.  The 8-2 Yinzers.

Soundtrack for everyone of those 8 losing squadrons:

You might think the Raiduhs secondary would get Tua back untracked.  You would be right.  34-19 to the LOLfins, as Vegas continues to function as performance art.  Brock Bowers looks like a monster, though.  Congrats to all who drafted him in a keeper league.

Oh, Bearistocrats!  Never, ever change.  They clawed back from two deficits, stopped Love on 4th and goal at the 1, then after losing said lead…hit an incredible deep fade to Rome Odunze on 4th and 7.  Naturally, they played things tight, settling for a mid-40s FG for the first win against their nemesis since 2018.  Which the Packers promptly blocked.  Hey, at least Caleb might not be a bust after all.  I got nothin’ else for ya, people of Chi****.

Say what you will about Jameis Winston, you can’t read his eyes.  There is NOTHING GOING ON UPSTAIRS.  I don’t know how you throw for 395 yards, commit no turnovers, and still only score 14 points.  But that’s what #ThePauls so done.  Emo Carr wins again after the Saints finally fired Dennis Allen, 35-14.

Cross-country travel is no problem for RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, at least when TAXACHUSETTS is the destination.  Drake Maye showed his good and oopsie-doodle aspects, while Fatthew feasted.  P*ts clawed back as close as 6, but never threatened on their last, desperate possession.  28-22 win, as LA crawls back to .500.

Now to 3 late games.  Attention span?  Fucked.  Teevee box?  Muted.

Since Denver are my squadron, I am happy that Dingleberry and friends were no shows at Mile High.  Didn’t make it any more entertaining, but a dull win has its own virtues.  At least we got to see a little Penix at the end, amirite??  38-6, Donks WOO!

Santa Clara welcomed their “rival” SeaTruthers, played their usual sub-cromulent game, and won anyway (17-13).  It’ll be the Tomsulas chasing the on-bue Qards the rest of the way.  Y’all can stick a fork in Seattle (who knows about the Rams). Or they fucked around, and finally found out.  Geno scrambles 15 yards for the game winner, at the very death of Normal Time.  20-17 Truthers, it’s all coming up Qards and Xbox, Jr.

God bless the jizzmopper in the CBS booth after what Romo and Nantz did to it.  I kept the sound off almost exclusively, and was still disgusted.  It was a boring fixture, until Brokeback went Beast Mode on a late 4th and 2, not only picking up the first, but also getting in for 6 to put his charges up 2 scores, 30-21.  The Chefs FINALLY ain’t catch a break!  They didn’t even get a pity garbage time score, to set up a futile onside kick.

I don’t feel like staying up to watch or summarize Clippers/Bengals, so I’mma read that Allen Dulles book that Zymm recommended instead.  About 140 pages in, and I appreciate that I still have miles to go before I rest.  See you next week unless we’re all ded first (don’t worry, Hippo could never be that lucky).