Cutting Out the Bloat – 2024 NFL Playoffs

There’s a documentary series out there called “Game 7”, which the blurbs promote as THE MOST EXCITING EVENT IN SPORTS AND THEREFORE ALL HISTORY and so on. Yeah… Nope! Gimme instead the single elimination NFL playoffs, with the nervous intensity and the violence and random bounces and inconsistent refereeing. That’s all the drama you need right there in a single, decisive game.

Consumers, like potential lovers, secretly yearn for buildup. Psht. Psht! I say. I got shit to do, being an adult and crap. Any escapism has to be absorbing and um… Let’s say up to four hours long, accounting for playoff overtime. What need is there for the bloat and excess of Games 1-6? Really: Games 1-6 are exactly like the narrative ballast (say, unnecessary backstory and flashbacks) in every superhero movie and waters down all kinds of tight, interesting stories into a ten-episode miniseries. Which is great for union folks in the entertainment-makings industry, sure. But showing that the old bad guy character was, spoiler alert, a young idealist full of good intentions UNTIL his first girlfriend’s father acted like a thorough twat,

Bye. Ain’t watching that no more. Where’s the rails? Ah.

[Steps over] The Wild Cards may have been mostly uneven games, but hoo boy! The Chargers’ commitment to field goals kept the Texans in the game, until a bad snap and CJ Stroud heroics at the end of the first half turned the game around. The Texans D manhandled the previously-touted-as-tough Chargers offense. That Harbaugh-B has to wait until next season to shake off the Schottenheimer stench, instead of playing the Texans again in a series, is the best possible outcome. Charger on, Chargers!

The Commies (Now with 4th QRT Magick™), thrive on single elimination games. Not for a minute do I feel that Washington, fueled by Dan Quinn’s 4th Down Apostasy, would be a better watch in a multi-game series. Familiarity breeds contempt, goes a jolly English saying. In the NFL, familiarity = game film. Jayden Daniels seems too chill, professional, and talented to fall into either a deep funk or always predictable play. Then again, the Lions can reduce any team to a bunch of randos. Wish I could bet on how many punts this game will have, and would bet that Quinn would punt less than Campbell.

I’m mad that Ravens @ Bills is a Divisional Playoff game. This might be the best game so far in the season. I also think that the eventual Superb Owl will suffer if none of these teams are in it.
Gotta say: Josh Allen, WOW WOW. From this season alone, Allen might be the best NFL player I’ve seen. The downside is that, if Buffalo gets to the Owl, team building will get more QB-centric and the running back market will be reduced to four name veterans and underpaid youths.

I thought this RB market stuff would get me madder. Huh; guess anhedonia cuts both ways.

As to BAL: this might have been Lamar!’s best season. I would enjoy so much if he were to reach the Owl, Derrick Henry too #Obvio. Take it from me, Henry’s playing right now like the World Beater he’s been most of his career. Which I like. (Dear Ravens fans: Tractorcito was bolted to the bench in the Tits Mularkey Era and Henry is a workout monster. You should get at least two more high quality years. Enjoy him, fuck you,–Don.) It’s a joy to see a supersonic tank suck the will out of defenders. Didja see the Steelers defense quit on Tomlin by the 3rd QRT @ Ravens? That’s something I never expected to see, except in those 1 or 2 games each regular season when Pittsburgh plays down to an inferior team. Hey, if you Yinzers don’t want Tomlin, I’d hire him for the Titans immediately.

I can’t help feeling bad for MinnesoUta and Sam Darnold. Man, Brian Flores and Kevin O’Connell had been recognized appropriately all season, obviously solid coaches. But Touch of Ds, ¡Jesucristo Señor! Darnold really, rrrrrrllllyyyy sucked in his last two games–incidentally, the most high stakes games in his fitbaw career. It’s amazing how a team can go from 14-2 into dust and memories; for the Vikes, perhaps not so much.

I’ve heard the higher the climb the higher the fall and, sure, a playoff loss hurts more at each level. Still, I think suffering because your team is in the playoff picture consistently, without Owl wins, is a tad precious. Having your team always missing a piece to break through or missing a crucial kick (IMHO), is a much much better place than having the hope-and-delusions fatigue year after year after year of multisectorial incompetence on the field, coaching booth, draft war room, managers’ office, and the owner’s royal court. Still, your suffering is suffering and does NAWT have to be tiered, much less compared to 🎶Miiiiiiiiiinne🎶, which would be a clear asshole move. I feel for ya Vikes fans. Would’ve been nice but, you know, the team was not good enough, for yet another consecutive season–I know, I know. For youse, according to the literature, it’s a chronic ailment:

Via OSR Physical Therapy, @OSRPTMN on twitter.com

Getting back to the alive, I think all NFC teams have a chance for an Owl berth. Even Washington, why not. They say mistakes are the best spurs for growth and improvement, and—oh yeah—28-3 is not going anywhere out of Dan Quinn’s mind. He might be the only coach capable to out-macho Dan Campbell, but I think Quinn is more of a warm King Bumi type, while Campbell still has strong WIIIIIIIMP! vibes. As to RAMMMITTT, psht. They might even win the whole thing, with Puka, Kyren, and that young and inexpensive D. If they do, Stafford should send Bill Bidwill a crate of his favorite fried ice cream. Plus there’s the Iggless, bof. They stackT.

Overall, I’m fine with anyone but KC winning it all (enough already). Hope the Texans take care of the Chefs–I may even get action on that! That is my true talent, you know, throwing money at dumb bets. But I believe that, in the NFL Playoffs, there are very few dumb bets. The stakes, uncharacteristc play calls and plans, and the innate randomness of the game (e.g., ball bounces, inconsistent reffing, interpreting “undisputable visual evidence” as “thousands of a second, sub-atomic resolution”), produce improbable outcomes. Remember that 2012’s Flacco Eliteness Validation Tour started with an impossible play in Denver.

One game baybeh; gimme single elimination every time.

Gifs via giphy.com. Banner via russellstreetreport.com / @Ravens on twitter.com