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Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
The enemies are within the gates. It is with our own luxury, our own folly, our own criminality that we have to contend [in bed].
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Incels everywhere nod their heads.
So, my office is moving to a smaller location next month and I’ll no longer have an assigned desk in the new place. Thanks Covid. No seriously, without it, I’d be doing a day or two in the office every week. Now I go in when I’m needed (almost never), so this is good. I’ll have to use the unassigned desks that will be in the new office or take over a meeting room. However, this means that I’ll need to go into the office to empty out my desk, which is today. Boo. Most of the team I’m on, is remote, so we’re used to doing things on the phone or via video. Pants suck, but help when it’s minus 25C or so with the windchill to start ones day. Yuck
I do get how lucky I am to be able to work remote full time.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
So some guy (possibly Brocky) was arrested for stalking Caitlin Clark, and my first reaction was “surprised it took this long” and wow is that fucked up. Being female and famous is a fucking burden.
SonOfSpam
This will be fun.
It’s Monday which means workday. Which means I don’t get home until 7:30 PST.
Which ultimately means avoiding all news, sports, radio, texts, any fucking thing because the game will be recorded.
Gonna need some extra luck.
yeah right
You aren’t meeting up with Spam to glare at each other throughout the game?
Doktor Zymm
Redshirt
First playoff win in 20 years for WAS and right after flushing the turd of Snyder from Fedex’s leaking sewage system?
As good as an Owl win as far as I’m concerned!
It’s all freeroll from here on out, and getting shellacked in Detroit by a franchise that also managed a dramatic turnaround will be an honor!
Doktor Zymm
So, I’m probably not the first to mention this, but seems like the scenario plays itself from here:
Cowboys hire Deion.
Not-so-secret condition is that they draft his son.
Cowboys trade their entire draft to move up in the first round.
Hilarity ensues.
Dunstan
Hey, thanks for hanging out tonight!
Next Sunday I’ll be friends again with Yeah Right and Litre will be the enemy.
Football, catch the hate!
SonOfSpam
More annoying Kelce or Watt brothers?
Jimbo
Bosas
Bogdanski
Let’s make sure that SonOfSpam stays put in the clubhouse instead of running around outside with a Rams bandana wrapped around his wing-wang, setting off fireworks.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
LA spent all week practicing for one big Viking funeral
Gatoraids
I will be switching my allegiance to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers if this happens, and that’s a promise.
Horatio Cornblower
BWAHAHAAHAHAHA
Unsurprised
I’ve been keeping this in reserve.
Unsurprised
In the NFC West there’s a team from LA
In SoFi arena the Rams ran most of their plays
Blitzing and blocking then hitting the pool
And kicking some field goals when the weather’s real cool
When a couple of sparks who were up to no good
Started settin’ fire to their neighborhood
There were four little fires and the League got scared
Said you’re moving to Arizona cause there’s flames in Bel-Air
Doktor Zymm
SENATOR: Did you sexually assault a woman?
HEGSETH: I’m not a perfect person.
Motherfucker thinks quoting Hoobastank is a sufficient answer,
SonOfSpam
I believe myself to be a rational person who avoids overreacting, but quoting Hoobastank should not only be disqualifying for a cabinet position, it should disqualify you as a American citizen!
Redshirt
Out of completely nowhere, ex-wifey sent me a picture of tWBS and me in DC. This is a picture she took of us. She asked, “What was his name?”
That was unexpected.
WCS
Wish I got a chance to meet him in person.
Sharkbait
Yes, well, be thankful he didn’t climb into bed with you at 5am in Joshua Tree.
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
January 14, 2025 9:34 pm
Pictures of Jesu drinking? Here’s a nice one of him turning water into wine at the most recent Ravens game.
No wonder they were able to pick up King Henry during the offseason…
BeefReeferLives
Bawlmore Jesus does not turn water into wine. That is everclear and cough syrup.
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Jamarcus Russel has entered the chat
Sharkbait
Never forget
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
More like
Jamarcus Russel thinks about entering the chat, decides that it’s too much work, slugs down some purple drank and then takes a nap to recover from all this activity, accidentally sleeps through until the following morning (though technically it’s actually noon when he wakes up)
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I can’t quite bring myself to text my buddy in Texas and talk about Coach Prime.
He’s not ready.
ballsofsteelandfury
Horatio is ready for you.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
(Also Lowratio’s most dreaded sentence)
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I invite all of you to go straight to Hell.
These jokes will never not be funny
Sharkbait
Sounds like someone has had it up to
/points at shin
here with these jokes
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Woman on Wheel of Fortune had this:
_UDIST COLO_Y
She went with “Buddhist Colony” and holy shit I hope her friends are nicer than mine would be.
SonOfSpam
I JUST SAW SOME IDIOT AT THE GYM PUT A WATER BOTTLE IN THE PRINGLES HOLDER ON THE TREADMILL.
2Pack
SKOLiosis is gold
BrettFavresColonoscopy
[Werder] Regarding Deion Sanders: I’m being told that he would almost certainly accept if Jerry Jones offers to make him the next #Cowboys head coach, that those around him are encouraging him to pursue it and that Jones is enamored with the idea.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Art work man…
2Pack
I got a Blue Velvet story.* Here goes.
Into my second year of marriage (late 90s, already regretting writing this), I rented “Blue Velvet”. My then-wife and I had a “Let’s cool off by you being in this room and I go to another room for a big while” kind of disagreement. Probably about pillowcase colors. It always got bad about dumb everyday shit ANYWAY: she watched “Blue Velvet” alone.
Next morning, I asked her how was the movie. “Mostly shit. You would have hated it.” And I asked her why she thought I would hate the movie. From that moment, until we got divorced about 20 years later, my ex-wife never EVER explained to me why she thought I would hate “Blue Velvet”, just saying “Because you wouldn’t get it” and more general or overtly infuriating stuff.
I almost got a stomach ulcer outta you, David Lynch. I promise to watch “Blue Velvet” and do my b st to get it. RIP, sir.
*“Tedious but revealing.”
—rogerebert.com
Don T
I have a Blue Velvet story too! Mine has nothing tp do with the movie. Not THAT movie, anyway.
Gumby and I got married on a Friday evening in November, during the first snowstorm of the season. He only got 4 or 5 days off, we were lucky to get that. We were spending our “honeymoon” at a nice hotel in Pittsburgh, but after the wedding, reception, and afterparties at both of our parents houses,.plus the snow, we spent that night in the honeymoon suite at the only hotel in our town. At the time, it was a Holiday Inn, now it’s a Ramada. We opened the door, and walked into a porn set. Blue crushed velvet on the bed and walls, huge mirrors everywhere. We laffed and laffed, and then put on a show for whatever perv was behind the mirror- it was our wedding night! We were always convinced that we are huge stars in some third world country to this very day!
Gumbygirl
I’m about thrashed as fuck. Just need a good sit.
blaxabbath
Those palm trees are begging for a hammock.
ballsofsteelandfury
Zymm will tell you where to get one. I think you can pick one up in the hammock district.
litre_cola
It is surreal reading you guys discuss anything non-football. Anyway, Annie went for the jugular with “Cowboys of the AFC”
Unsurprised
“Daniel Jones has won more playoff games than Justin Herbert.” It’s true but did you have to cut so deep, Annie?
scotchnaut
If we’re talking about ex’s with problematic taste in movies I was dating a girl once and we went to rent a movie, (related, I am old), and we were going to get a porno, giggling all the while, and then all of a sudden she gets al excited because she found a ‘Faces of Death’ video and wanted to watch that instead.
Now I didn’t know the term ‘red flag’ back then, but I sure as shit knew I wasn’t going to be closing my eyes near her any time soon.
Horatio Cornblower
Senorita Weaselo found her family’s old record player. In case anyone was wondering why we’re currently listening to a Music Minus One of the Schumann Piano Concerto.
Senor Weaselo
Just assumed that’s Weaselo foreplay
SonOfSpam
The good: I might have played the greatest game in our league history. Without telling you who won (to save for Nocturnes Magazine), 18-17, 17 innings, both teams were on their last pitcher and giving fatigue rolls, walk-off solo shot.
The bad: I was an hour late meeting Senorita Weaselo for her 90 minute break. If I am brutally murdered tonight, it’s been an honor, and the teddy bear did it.
Senor Weaselo
This is a GAMBLOR! alert because I care deeply for everyone here. I have a VERY STRONG FEELING about the Houston Texans covering today’s point spread. If you’re unfamiliar with the smoldering wreckage of similar STRONG FEELINGS of mine from past playoff games, allow me to assure you that this WILL NOT HAPPEN. I actually feel bad for them. Poor bastards. I bet they even had a great, uplifting week of practice, never knowing their collective fate has already been predetermined by impressing my uninformed ass. They are marked with the Scarlet “F”.
Fronkenshteen
open up note book
Gatoraids
“Just 6 touches inside the Palace box” is also why Diana left Charles.
Horatio Cornblower
At this point, if I’m a defensive lineman, I’m slamming Mahones to the ground every time I get. He’s going to get a call anyway, you might as well make it worth something.
ballsofsteelandfury
A good friend of mine recently underwent radiation therapy for prostate cancer. At some point during the treatment things down there got so swollen that he had to get a catheter. This was about three months ago. That stuff that I was complaining about, he was getting in spades (except for my first night – I can top him on that). He was ready to do anything to get that catheter removed – TURP, roto-rooter, whatever. But the doctor told him to hang tight, and since his wife was a nurse she could remove the catheter from time to time and see if the plumbing is working again. Today she removed the catheter, and things are flowing.
We’ve know each other for getting close to fifty years now. I told him that I bet we never thought fate would turn us into urinary tract experts.
Since impotence can be a problem when , I sent him some pictures to hopefully wake things up down there.
BugEyedBoo
I actually do feel kinda bad for Goff and Detroit, but also… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Doktor Zymm
For all the power in the NFC North this season, all three teams were one and done in the playoffs.
2Pack
Technically, Chicago has a better record than them.
ballsofsteelandfury
So this is what it’s like to be a fan of a team that wins playoff games. It’s nice!
Doktor Zymm
Sharkbait
This loss is so bad Barry Sanders is going to retire again.
Beerguyrob
THESE DETROIT LIONS, I CALL A EUNUCH BECAUSE THEY’RE MISSING THEIR D
Wakezilla
If a player were to, say, wander away from the huddle during a TV time out and write “PENIS CHRIST” or something in the snow on the field with the toe of his cleat, what kind of fine would he be looking at? Seven figures?
Fronkenshteen
That’s like 17 flags if it’s Mahomes
Doktor Zymm
“Six Flags is good enough for me!”
-Eli
LemonJello
Pre snowstorm chili. Although it’s 40 degrees, sunny, and I have the kitchen window open. You wouldn’t think we’re about to get 5+ inches tonight
Sharkbait
-Wow 5 inches! Deanna Favre
Jimbo
Hit a big one (for me) last night. The time between Kalif Raymond’s catch that won it for me and the subsequent play felt like an eternity. Just waiting for a penalty flag, a challenge flag, a meteor, SOMETHING to take it away before the 2nd down snap. Then, gloriously being able to reveal my madness and its result to my family was wonderful. It all goes in the vacation fund. Goddamn I love NFL Football.
Fronkenshteen
An idiot I know: “Hey, is Mark Andrews related to Erin Andrews? Husband? Brother? She might be single after he’s dead?!?!”
ThePirateSloth
Romo certainly knows from EXPERIENCE what it’s like to blow a game because you couldn’t hold on to the ball.
ThePirateSloth
This game I call it the 1997 Academy cause they’re avoiding Contact at all costs
Don T
No lies detected.
Beerguyrob
Damar Hamlin sponsorship opportunity
Doktor Zymm
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
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