Living in this Caribbean Paradise, and through the exercise of my profession, I’ve had the enormous privilege of rubbing elbows with scores of talented and dedicated loudmouths. The feigned indignation when lying, the raised voice when cornered, the torrent of personal attacks over unrelated shit (my fave, ymmv), and “Think of your family” or less overt extortions… Top-shelf manipulators can deploy these tropes in a way that, at worst, make you grudgingly acknowledge “Man, what a crafty piece of shit”.

Lemme just say, right off the bat: this ain’t about politics, much less about 47. Granted, he’s 100% piece of shit, but he sure as hell ain’t crafty.

It is impossible to catalogue all forms of loudmouthing, as human crapulence is a multi-color quarry riddled with toxic gas caves. Mere LOUDNESS is not enough for being a loudmouth. This is especially the case with old folks, who after years of teaching prudence through action and words, suddenly in their 80s start to muse out loud about the race of the secretary while still in the doctor’s office. Bluster and bullshit, I think, are 90% of being a loudmouth. Or 100%, if espen considers you top talent.

NFL NEWS

I come here not to bury the 2025 NFL Draft—what? Why would Pilot suggest such prompt? Pft.

The draft is done. Prospects were selected, which is concrete and irrefutable information.  What a concept: speculation-proof, actual picks that happened. The picks (maybe the trades, definitely the Vikings snoozing on a pick), are the only things about the draft that interest me. What can I say; facts and events really tickle me ole heart hole.

-In a thoroughly spontaneous gesture, which just happened to be recorded, Warren Moon anointed top pick Cam Ward with the 1 jersey. It was a really organic ceremony.

-Displaying artisanal derision, Lawrence Taylor reaffirmed ownership of the Giants 56 and told Abdul Carter “to make his mark”. In typical Gen Z condescension, Carter ZZZZzzzzzz

-The National Football Lee is looking into a “prank call” received by Shedeur Sanders. The call was Friday during Day 2 of the Draft, by someone who identified himself as Mickey Loomis, of Pelicans fame. This created a false expectation that got entertaining for anyone who hated Sanders.

Xylophiles like to say “From the fallen tree everyone gets wood”, but it’s also a Spanish idiom that describes the Schadenfreude bandwagon over Shedeur Sanders’ fall, and fall, and fall. I got on it too, on account of having read that CU retired Shedeur’s number.

I am thoroughly convinced that college fitbaw is a bald money grab, run with an absolute disregard for tradition or sportsmanship. I am for athletes getting paid as much as they can get, the higher the better. I will continue to avoid college fitbaw whenever possible. But somehow Sanders getting his college number getting retired before the draft got me all

Shit, even I know who Kordell Stewart was as a college player, but I mostly knew him from Guns & Roses. Point is: retiring Sanders’ number was a fugue of self-importance. Buuut, the Browns darfted Shedeur in, like, the 13th round—adding Hell to injury. I promise to hold my bile until Shedeur does something stupid, and pledge to calibrate my venom with the knowledge that Sanders is helicopter parented by the most insufferable influencer not named Steven and A.

SPROTS NOW OR SOON

All times Central

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS

Round 1

Capitals @ Canadiens (2-1) : 5:30

Kings @ Oilers (2-1) : 8:30

NBA REGULAR SEASON

Celtics @ Magic (2-1) : 6:00

Pacers @ Bucks (2-1) : 8:30

GRANDES LIGAS

Filis (Nola) @ Ositos (Taillon) – 6:00

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Home team first, streaming alternative (courtesy of Balls): https://tv.garden. It has tv channels from every country! I tried it last Sunday and I watched Bolivian ABB’s road upset of Jorge Wilstermann.
Look at me using the names of teams like I know them. Well, I watched them live. So [Bill Belichick press conference stare]

Argentina

Independiente v. Deportivo Riestra – 7”15

Bolivia

Bolívar v. Blooming – 6:30

Brasil

Santos v. Red Bull Bragantino – 6:30

Colombia

América de Cali v. Deportivo Cali – 6:20

Cali Dérbi: 73% chance of blood, 52% chance of flares on the field.

Costa Rica

Puntarenas v. Alajuelense – 6:00

Ecuador

Emelec v. Técnico Universitario – 6:00

El Salvador

CD FAS v. Cacahuatique – 7:00

Honduras

Marathon v. Olimpia – 6:15

Olancho v. UPNFM – 8:30

University Wolves are back AAAAOOOOOOO!

Paraguay

Sportivo Amelaino v. Libertad – 6:15

Perú

Universitario v. UTC – 6:00

If I know anything about UTC, it’s that a gentleman never gifts Cipro and tells.

Secsi Mexi

FC Juárez v. Pumas UNAM – 6:00

Monterrey v. Pachuca – 8:30

U.S.A

MLS

LAFC v. St. Louis Citeh – 6:00

LA Galaxy v. Portland Timbers – 8:00

Venezuela

Academia Puerto Cabello v. Portuguesa – 7:00

FINALLY,

The first kind of loudmouth that comes to my mind is the most infuriating: the Backer-Upper.

Via AFP / Fox Sports

I’m not the biggest Muhammad Ali fan, yet gotta say: nobody has reached higher levels of 🎶meeee🎶 gab WHILE getting proportional wins. I especially hated Ali, even the Will Smith version, for doing Joe Frazier dirty.

Frazier loaned Ali money when Ali was fighting the Vietnam draft. Years later, Ali called Frazier an Uncle Tom and a gorilla to drum up hype for their fights. “It’s good business, Joe”, I read that Ali had told Frazier, like being the butt of racist jokes from Muhammad Ali was a trifle. Smokin’ Joe had none of it; I’m Team Frazier, the definition for excellence as far as I’m concerned. This is a favorite story. Someone asked Frazier about his fights with Ali. Frazier replied:

We locked up three times. He won two, and I won one. But look at him now. I think I won all three.

Bile is honest, now and forever, amén.

Another, Héctor “Macho” Camacho [pours brrbn], who’s freakin’ OSOM if you ask me. Hate his guts or shit on his grave, yeah Ok, I get it. It’s not for everybody.

Still,

Turns out, Camacho was the favorite boxer of my first favorite English writer, SI’s Pat Putnam. And Camacho is surely a sweetheart next to Floyd Mayweather Jr. Now there’s a guy with a boxing record he can point to whenever being barfably self-congratulatory. Blech.

And yes, another excellent athlete with a vociferous maw to match, pre-Redacteds Deion Sanders. Hell, I’d even put the 90s All-Pro cornerback closer to Macho than to Mayweather on the “Fine, Sigh, You Walked the Walk” loudmouths. Camacho was having fun, so was Prime Time. I don’t wanna get all controversial, but fun is enjoyable.

Look, I have no problem with bombast or spectacle Tch, I’m Hispanic; denying spontaneity and being all stoic and “Yes, quite” is considered race treason. Although, in 2025, personality + accent = ICE.
What I really hate about loudmouths is the lack of substance, the smokescreens, the artless bluffing, the empty hype, the, umm… Oh! The god damn fact that now I regularly forget names of cool new acquaintances while my memory still keeps Jimmy Fucking Clausen locked and ready for deployment–that makes me really REALLY hate fucking loudmouths.

But as you can see, I can’t hate on all loudmouths. There’s a soft spot for Puerto Rican boxers and musicians. Plus, of course, there’s also the super gay snark exception to loudmouths, from Bruce Vilanch to Buddy Cole to Oscar Tito, the only TikToker in my browser history. Call me a classicist, but slapstick RAWKS.