Good evening, my name is Dónal Yandel T and this [pause] is PopeTalk. I say unto you, Jesus Christ, gin is the devil distillate. This post has no sponsors, but kowtowing to the Vatican is how I pray away this CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG head hangover. Besides, the election of Leo XIV was a thoroughly refreshing event:

Italians weren’t thrilled #Obvio

Historically, Catholicism has offered overproduced propaganda, fetishizing guilt, covered-up pederasty, and the full spectrum of antisemitism. So while there’s something that appeals to every single worst of us, I’m still impressed by the Catholic Church being the world’s oldest organization despite clinging to so, many, anachronisms.

The Romans persecuted Catholics, then Catholicism became the official church of the Roman Empire under Constantine. That’s ancient, but the church has been adaptable. By the time George Soros bought the Coca-Cola Company in 1891, pope Leo XIII issued Rerum Novarum, an encyclical that aimed to involve the church in actual world problems, labor violence specifically. The Pope subtitled it ❣️🚧 Marxist Alert 🚧❣️“On Capital and Labor”, but it’s a direct attack on godlessness and socialism. Tl dr, Leo XIII wrote: workers and poor folks are righteous DUH, but private property rocks like this male frock.

For Catholics, el Papa represents God in earth, is infallible in matters of Catholic faith, and has the wardrobe and bling to pull it off. I stopped being a Catholic in my teens—treason #1: since the time of Neanderthals, Catholic Mass is the most tedious 1-hour-plus human event. I would rather be forced to attend a friend’s cousin’s graduation with a 2.53 GPA, in Humanities. Humanities!

Still, even for non-Caths in LATAM, the Pope is a Big Deal. Locally especially. John Paul II set the bar, the only pope that has come to Puerto Rico (when I teen-ish, for a papal mass). That day was a classic: airport, Popemobile, wham, bang, thank you Christ, and Popemobile to airport. JPII started out as the “Normal Guy” pope, but he really was crusty Old Church through and through. By contrast, the PR papal mass site is now a Burlington store with the sorriest collection of formal wear. Dark blue sports jacket for work things? Pft. But if you wanted a sports jacket in orange, energy drink green, or Zubaz, that store is a godsend.

JPII’s successor, Benedictine XVI, came around when I was starting my career. I remember the Hitler Youth pope well. He was loved by Opus Dei types and worse zealots. Benedicto was a dogmatist curmudgeon who ended up drooling all over bulls. Now THAT was a thoroughly enjoyable drop into senility. First and only pope to retire, over which I have to give credit to Benedicto. No one with compromised faculties should remain in a top leadership position, especially if, like the papacy, the position renders you infallible.

And after Benedicto, Francis. That’s it, just Francis, no Roman numeral. Pope Francis seemed like an overcorrection to Benedicto, which happens from time to time, most often outside the Vatican. Pope Francis eschewed most pomp and ceremony for church bidness, preached compassion, and was humble. Despite being Argentinian, humble! That is straight up canonization stuff right there. If nothing else, Francis was approachable and carried himself like a very human pope. And unlike other popes, Francis’s humanity did not depend on vices.

Now comes Leo XIV, one of the cardinals closest to Francis. First, the obvious:

Yeah yeah, Balls already posted it. But bears repeating because WOW that’s cool. I don’t care how much you hate Catholics or any religion in general. If your tribe gets to claim a pope, you’ll celebrate at least a little.

And if he does NOT turn out to be a divisive, uncompassionate asshole always on the defensive about the church’s abuses, of my Gaa: best pope ever. I’ll have more about León XIV after

NFL NEWS

-Derek Carr retired and I don’t think anybody is moUrning him.

We’re back to [pauses] PopeTalk.

The other stuff I know about Leo XIV is that he’s Chic*g* born and raised,

, and het got a Math Degree from Villanova. So me and the pope are B.S. buddies, wadda ya know. Running assessment on Leo XIV: 🥰

TONIGHT IN SPROTS

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS

Round 2

Leafs (lead 2-1) @ Panthers – 6:30

NBA PLAYOFFS

Cavaliers @ Pacers (lead 2-1) – 7:00

GRANDES LIGAS

Filis (Wheeler) @ Guardianes (Ortiz) – 6:00

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Argentina

Huracán [winces] v. Deportivo Riestra – 6:30

Bolivia

Aurora v. Bolívar – 6:30

Brasil

Botafogo v. Internacional – 6:00

Reminder: Botafogo is one of the Quatro Brasileiros for the Mundialito, which is how Hispanics call the Club World Cup. (Literally, “Little World Cup” by adding the diminutive suffix -ito to Mundial. Ahhh diminutives, how useful you are for cutie talk and condescension and venom en español.) All other countries will have two teams at most, but either the USA or México will wind up with three.

Anyway, since fogo means fire in Portuguese, for every game Botafogo fields 11 arsonists. Now THAT is the most badass team name. I’m afraid RAAAAIIIIIII DUUUUUURRSS is relegated to second place.

Colombia

Atlético Nacional v. Llaneros – 6:00

Once Caldas v. Millonarios – 8:20

Costa Rica

Puntarenas v. Alajuelense – 8:00

Ecuador

 Emelec v. Aucas – 6:00

 Perú

 Universitario v. Alianza Atlético – 6:30

Secsi Mexi

Cruz Azul v. León – 8:00

Tigres UANL v. Necaxa – 10:10

U.S.A.

 MLS

Vancouver Whitecaps v. LAFC – 6:00

NWSL

Seattle Reign v. Houston Dash – 7:00

Venezuela

Deportivo La Guaira v. Academia Anzoátegui – 7:00

FINALLY,

León XIV, as he is called in Spanish, spent 38 years in Perú. Naturally, Peruvians flocked socials to claim the pope:

Mostly correct. Next one

Hrm… 🤷🏻‍♂️ Last one

🤣😅. Cómico porque es cierto.

Well of course this makes me like Leo XIV more. He’s a link between the U.S.A. and LATAM, and he seems like a decent enough chap to inspire folks who are not Catholic–like me. No mystic association with God will convince me of anything.

For a pope, I’m easy. Just be intelligent, compassionate, be aware of current human affairs. And throw more of that old Vatican money around for worthy causes and folks. Not for me, I’d spend it on mandarin oranges and gin.