On Simmer – Sunday Open Etc. Etc.

Good evening, beautiful gente. On a hunch, I got a blood pressure monitor last Thursday. I’ve been using it and let me tell ya: it’s an empty win getting a “No” on hypochondria. Yeah yeah, I can already hear the first piece of health advice: take it easier at work.

Psht; NOW it’s when I’m doing well! But ok, ok. I’ll take it easier by cutting on the antagonizing and snark. Mind you, restraint takes MORE effort but okei yu nou wareveL.

The next thing is the diet (no biggie) and the exercise (walking, walking is exercise). The tough part will be curbing the… Reactions, or what non-males call “emotions”, like indignation, disgust, hatred, rage, and the fucking urge to throw a pipe wrench at every bastard who cuts me off on the highway while slowing down.

Away with all of that: wellness is the way. As any small step counts as progress, I already canceled my upcoming machete sharpening appointment. And, with three months to prepare, I pledge to welcome the 2025 season free of negativity. First, Fantasy Football.

FF is basically santería, so I will not fret over mystical forces or ACL WTFs that are beyond anyone’s control. Instead, I will appreciate beauty in random outcomes, maybe do some research before drafting, and update my chicken blood contacts. Folks, sometimes faith is the only solace, a salve for stability. So yeah, I’ve planned ahead. This is for Week 1:

Real religion aside, overcoming negativity is tough. And me being a sourpuss, tch, OF COURSE I have a low tolerance for Kelce overexposure and Howie Roseman slobbering and Steelers QB room rumoUrs and Jim Harbaugh words and empty-calorie stats. Plus my personal dislike of John Harbaugh is old-guy deep and irrational—uf, just thinking about Thing 1 gets my ears hot. See? It’s best to just let some shit go.

Additionally, I’m at Full Resignation regarding RapeyNonGrata’s guaranteed contract and whether he returns to the Cleveland lineup. If he’s playing for the Pauls, he gonna suck (yeah) and get hit (good). Or, if Pariah Carey’s gonna get paid while doing squat—well, that’s even better. It’s not my money nor reputation, so

And I’m resolved on doing absolutely ZERO bellyachin’ on the Cowboys, Giants, and Bears getting most of the prime time games. In fact, I’m gonna root for all prime time games to be close, Dallas competency be damned. Just as long as the Giants cut Tommy DeVito. My friends, I say unto you: the world does not need an Italian Nathan Peterman.

NFL NEWS

It really must be June.

-Per espen, the Vikings extend GM Kweisi Adofo-Mensah. (No link, for annoying punter on landing page.) The GM and head coach Kevin O’Connell are signed for four more years. That’s as long as NFL marriages get. Which makes Brian Flores the talented kid who hates talking.

-🚧😑flippancy alert 😑🚧 The NFL commemorates tomorrow the “Post-June 1 Designation Day”, a hallowed occasion for capsmiths and fantasy bean counters. Here’s a decent overview, from Bleacher Report. Never say I don’t love respect consider acknowledge ya.

-Teams held voluntary OTAs this week. Along with the traditional tidbits of athletes cavorting in shorts, there was the unavoidable roll call of who attended and who is OBVIOUSLY A SELF-CENTERED DIVA WHO HATES FITBAW. Man… For as much as I approve of work as an activity or a lifestyle, these OTAs are voluntary, repeat, voluntary. Voluntary. VOLUNTARY VOLUNTARY VOLUNTARY ME CAGO EN D–

/takes swig of water, takes BP machine off pouch for the third time today

SPROTS TO MIGHT

It really must be June. All times Central

GRANDES LIGAS

As always, slur-free.

Y*nk*s (Yarbrough) @ Doyers (Yamamoto) – 6:00

WNBA

Minnesota @ Golden State – 7:30

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Yes yes yes. And with the Club World Cup 13 days away, there’s plenty of flopping distractions up to mid-July. Home team first.

Brazil

Internacional v. Fluminense – 6:30

Fluminense will play in the Mundialito in a coupla weeks. It’s in a group with Borusia Dortmund (GER), Ulsan Hyundai (GUESS), and Mamelodi Sundowns (RSA). I wouldn’t mind Dortmund being knocked off a peg, or the Hyundais parking in the net all the way to the knockouts. Huh? Huh? Sigh. Surely I’ll perk up for the Mundialito opportunely. If only BSC Old Boys would’ve made it. Pederasty material always livens proceedings.

Colombia

 Atlético Nacional v. Deportivo Caldas – 8:15

Concacaf Champions Cup

Cruz Azul (MEX) v. Vancouver Whitecaps (CAN)– 8:00

Ecuador

Aucas v. Deportivo Caldas – 6:00

Uruguay

Cerro v. Wanderers – 6:00

FINALLY,

As you know, the Cornblowers were recently in PR and I met up with them several times to great fun, and I’d be the biggest asshole in the world if I never shared a word about it with you. Just wonderful folks, definitely up for a good time. Truly, the Cornblowers are my favorite throuple. Oh yeah, can confirm: Loratio exists, and he does more than carry luggage and disinfect sex toys.

Per the DFO scuttlebutt, Loratio promised to be a mashup of the gimp from Pulp Fiction and Hans Moleman. Oh Gamblor, we doth underestimate through ignorance.

Loratio first reached out two months ago, through Telegram. He threw question after question at me with the offhand OBEY tone reserved for ChatGPT and ilk: provide a culturally significant location (Old San Juan) with a history of bathhouses (same); what is the best transportation to get around (party bus, then Uber or rental car); are there too many bars and dispensaries around (oh yeah, lots—wait: what are you implying?); how people drive (forget rental car); air conditioned facilities (more than Europe fo sho); parking space situation (Uber, stick with Uber); potential for power outages (tell me what you wanna hear); porking opportunities (many roast pork places, yes), dildo availability (I can get loaners)—you know, the usual.

After they got here, I met Loratio alone at a cigar bar on a Wednesday afternoon, and I plied him with black licorice and Kahlua. For starters, we talked about life in general and which rare earth minerals are most delicious. Then I ordered B 52s and brought up the sex dwarf profession. Loratio fell silent and corrected me: “It’s a calling, not a job”, and then picked up the shot glass with both hands and quaffed. He never said anything else about it, only that his current situation was “a working retirement”.

Wonderful guy: loyal, personable, even well-read—the Mr. Belvedere of pocket sex dwarfs, if you will. But he wanted to talk about crypto on and on and on, of which I can only take so much. I could only wriggle out through adding him to my network, his words. And that’s how Loratio and I connected on LinkedIn.

But I just couldn’t. After the first 13 LinkedIn notifications from him, I removed the app and restored my cellphone to factory settings. I did add Loratio’s profile pic as my wallpaper 👇🏼