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Sprots Desert – Oasis in the Distance Thread

King Hippo

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We had the stupid Hall of Fame game a few nights back, which I managed to get all the way through Q1.  Huzzah for me.

Two weeks from now, the Prem will be back, and all shall rejoice.  Perhaps we will cobble together a preview, despite my extreme laziness.  Remind Balls and Litre to nag Hippo if the class wants this.

As I fought a midweek night’s insomnia, I came up with this “sandwich” analysis for 2025 FITBAW:

2 Surprise Packages (10+ wins, against expectations): Qardinals, Jets

4 High Variances (teams that I would want to skip predicting): Cowpersons, Vikings, Bills, Dolphins

2 Mayo Left in the Sun (10+ losses, against expectations): Tomsulas, Stillers

Am tired of the sound of my own voice/keys clicking now.  Over to all y’all.  Thanks to 2pack for the banner image, saving the Clubhouse from Uncle Teddy’s visage.

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Mr. Ayo

lol Brazil. wpiootbgw is on their way.

0
scotchnaut

The Lifetime Channel, which I think panders to a majority female audience, is doing a “Kidnapped Female” marathon. The movies in the queue right now are “The Gabby Petito Story, (she was kidnapped) next up is “If I Go Missing” and after that is “Taken At A Basketball Game”.

/should they re-brand as The Female Anxiety [Your Worst Fears Are Manifested] Channel?

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s their age demographic? I wonder if it’s old enough that they could make hay with a “Your Daughter is Dating an [ETHNIC MINORITY]” marathon.

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King Hippo

oh, you want The Southern Lifetime Network for that

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scotchnaut

I snorted.

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Mr. Ayo

The last one could be a porn movie, just saying.

1
scotchnaut

“I don’t care who you are. I can drive left or right to whatever hole you offer because I have a special set of skills. I have a specific set of skills acquired over a very long porn career and a jumpshot that is deadly from 18 feet and in. I have skills that make me a nightmare for newbie defenders like you. If you let my daughter go I will not dunk on you in a pickup game. If you don’t, I will embarrass you, I will block your every shot. If you know what’s good for you, leave her stuck in the dryer in the basement of my apartment.”

-Excerpt from, “White Men Can’t Jump But They Sure Can Fuck”

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Works for guy-on-guy stuff too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krVxkomTsrs

1
WCS

Affluent, white women*

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Doktor Zymm

Women are the main demographic for true crime books as well. Not entirely sure why, although I’ve enjoyed some books and tv in that genre myself. It doesn’t provoke anxiety though, I suspect it’s more like horror films where you obviously would survive in that situation because you would do all the smart stuff without any of the mistakes.

1
scotchnaut

Had to cut the afternoon swim short because all the kids are out on the lake with their Jet Skis and speed boats.*

*by no means is this a criticism of motor-boating-I’m a huge fan to this day

2
King Hippo

Is Margaret Atwood a Leafs fan???

/reading one of her older works, set in Tirana

1
scotchnaut

This is almost as bad as Neil Gaiman being a serial sexual harrasser!

Last edited 8 months ago by scotchnaut
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WCS

I just made a dozen or so water balloons for a half-dozen children (settle down, Mr. President, Representative Gaetz, et. al.), and somehow was the only person to get wet (sorry, not that kind, Mrs. Shaprio).

5
blaxabbath

Do you guys drink OJ and coffee in the same sitting? The banner image shows as much but I feel like maybe that’s some Tinsel Town staging.

Lot of acidity there.

1
2Pack

I do, but I add milk as a base to counter

2
fleshwound_NPG

likely another pro sports team in conn gets moved again, and another thing you can blame boston for

https://www.masslive.com/celtics/2025/08/celtics-owner-to-purchase-connecticut-sun-bring-wnba-team-to-boston.html

alexa, play brass bonanza and a very, very minor key…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw

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blaxabbath

Connecticut should embrace no pro teams.

It’s good for the state.

1
fleshwound_NPG

helps that the uconn mens/womens bball team have not only survived the NIL era, but have even become BETTER somehow

all the blue blood schools have stumbled but them

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Three years, three titles.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Also let’s not kid ourselves, both of those are professional teams.

Pretty sure Bueckers took a pay cut to go to the WNBA.

2
Horatio Cornblower

This is Hartford Athletic erasure.

1
yeah right

One simple task, going to the grocery store, turned into the quest for the Holy Grail.
Jesus, that was a stupid outing.

I came home with the grail though!

7
yeah right

It’s a very nice!

1
blaxabbath

THIS GUY YEAH RIGHT I CALL THIS GUY PAM BONDI BECAUSE HE COMMITTED HIMSELF TO FINDING SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST THEN WASTES A BUNCH OF STUPID TIME BUT FINALLY MADE IT HOME SUCCESSFULLY WITHOUT PRODUCING THE EPSTEIN RECORDS THAT FURTHER-SHOW DONALD TRUMP RAPES KIDS BUT HE IS STILL LACKING A RECEPTICAL FOR COLLECTING JESUS CHRISTS’S BLOOD WHEN HE RETURNS AND THUS MUST BE KILLED TO PROPOGATE THE LIE THAT SOME CHILD RAPIST DEADBEAT IS ACTUALLY THE TRUE SAVIOR SENT BY GOD.

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WCS

STORNG TAKE!!11!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I was thinking of the whole bitcoin thing and wondering if it is less like the tulip bulb craze and more like art collecting. In that rich people use it as a store of value, you can use it to launder/hide money, and it’s deflationary (i.e. dead artists don’t produce more art). So it’s possible that the bottom *never* falls out because it’s relatively rare that rich people have to sell that kind of stuff off out of necessity; there’s almost never more supply than demand.

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Gatoraids

there’s definitely a certain bottom on it from rogue state, black market economy needs for unregulated hard to trace currency. but there was a significant risk for it getting margin called down a lot a year or so ago and pushing people like Saylor and other whales who kinda prompt the motion up and put floors in on it during panics.

1
blaxabbath

Yeah.

Wasn’t NFTs the same idea — but just super easy to execute (like art)?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure what the designers of NFT were hoping to accomplish (other than separating gullible jerks from their money) but there was never a supply constraint on them, so it never would have worked the same way.

1
Doktor Zymm

It’s like anything else, it’ll continue to have value as long as people continue to believe it has value. At least with art it usually looks nice and you can hang it on the wall and it might make people think you have good taste

1
litre_cola

Long weekend. What to do, what to do.

Take Deci to a brewery where I can imbibe beers and he can pet dogs while drinking soda? Great idea litre! That’s good parenting.

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WCS

DAD MODE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

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scotchnaut

I’m very confused-Youngest Skull Fracture Boy is off camping with his girl and some mates and wifey is visiting Oldest Skull Fracture Boy for the weekend. Here’s the kicker-she took our two dogs and the foster dog with her. I’ve never had the house completely to myself before that I can recall.

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WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw Nick Kroll at the park a few months ago! He was busy being a dad and stuff.

1
King Hippo

You still yelled Forever UNCLEAN!! didn’t ya?

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blaxabbath

A lot of Forensic Files start with a note that things at the murder scene were different than anyone could remember.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Everyone wins, including the dogs!

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2Pack

Embarrassing confession time.

~ 15 years ago 2Pack – Cara do we have any cream around for chaffing? (summer runs were causing swamp azz chaffing)
Wifey – Here try some of this (Italian stuff and who reads lables anyways)
A few days later 2Pack – thanks Babe that worked like a charm!
This week 2 Pack is running a bit bowlegged again in this heat – honey do you still have any of that stuff?
Wifey – No but I ordered some from the farmacia, you can pick it up after work tomorrow,here’s the reciept.
2Pack – picks it up, (the nice lady was showing generous cleavage too) reads the package this time… (words to the effect of) ” chick vaginal chaffing cream…”

Note: Its nice to be at the age where you could care less… as long as it works…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, there’s just no way to put a positive spin on purchasing that product. Even if you tried the whole “my wife is sore because we’ve been having so much sex” angle the cashier would probably just say “it’s an honor to meet you Mr. Shapiro, my unmarried brother who still lives with our parents really loves your show.”

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Doktor Zymm

It’s super common for post menopausal women to have something like that prescribed. All it means is that you weren’t stupid enough to ditch your wife during a midlife crisis

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2Pack

Vasaline does not work as well, most guys use that, but I’m not a fan of all the residue. This stuff has a dryer gel that absorbes fast and works great.

Last edited 8 months ago by 2Pack
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Doktor Zymm

I would just check for hormones in the cream, in case of unexpected side effects

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Note that “unexpected” doesn’t necessarily mean “unwanted”.

3
Mr. Ayo

He’ll have to change his name to 2Moobs

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2Pack

My latest passport photo…

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Mr. Ayo

Nice genes

4
2Pack

Over the counter stuff, no estrogen (he’s way ahead of you on that one)

3
Mr. Ayo

Does this mean you’re a giant pussy?

Or just a sensitive prick?

6
2Pack

It simply means I’m running irritation free again. The ends justify the means for this caveman.

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BeefReeferLives

Word.

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Unsurprised

I just remembered when I was last in D.C. I went to Capitol Hill to visit some acquaintances at work. The masses of us were on the S Capitol Metro escalator going up to street level as this young woman was walking up the steps in a skirt so short we could see her g-string (I assume she was an intern) and it actually elicited commentary on the slow ride (thank god for WMATA incompetence for once) up as she passed us.

Anyway, that was the highlight of that visit because Capitol Hill was the most unwelcoming place I’ve ever been.

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2Pack

If they are showing… I’m looking!

2
BeefReeferLives

“2 Mayo Left in the Sun (10+ losses, against expectations): Tomsulas, Stillers”

Y’know, as a rabidly homeristic Stiller fan, years previous would have seen me frothing at the mouth and falling over backwards at such BLASPHAMY!!1!.

Howevas, after they pulled QAAAAAron off the scrap heap, and with a QB rich draft coming up next year my ‘tude has adjusted to:

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4
WCS

This is the greatest roster a Stillers team has assembled together… in 2020.

4
Gumbygirl

It’s an Old Folks Home. I’d be surprised if any of them still have their teeth. Pudding time!

3
BeefReeferLives

I don’t think i’ve ever approached a season with such a ‘tude of detached bemusement….

3
scotchnaut

I heard a porridge bar was recently installed at their cafeteria.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What? Where?” – Clay Matthews

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Mr. Ayo

This banner image is a massive improvement. Good jerb Hippo.

And the Qardinals aren’t winning shit. The Donkeys will see a 10th win before the Qards find their own ass.

7
King Hippo

I could see Qards just asking some questions of a poor NFC West, much like the Commies did in 2024. The setup seems similar to me, or else I am just giving too much credence to Wee Kyler being a low-key chess wizard.

RRRRRRRRRAM IT – Fatty is now, unsurprisingly for a giant, fat fuck like himself – having back troubles. They’re cooked.

SeaTruthers – They are all in with a retSpecial Young Man at quartered back, who got found out last December.

Tomsulas – Baby Shanny’s pet is now making the big bucks. They have the square root of fuckall as passing game weapons outside of their old-assed TE. Sure, maybe McCaffery is healthy-ish and productive-ish – but they absolutely MUST count on him being so, to have any chance whatsoever.

That leaves our Birdcano palz, who just need Harrison to make the leap adjacent to the one Trey McBride made last season.

3
blaxabbath

The Qards are basically FoxNews’s team — they’re a group of losers who’ve basically just let everyone else ‘stumble’* and now the media hype logic is, “everyone in the division sucks — but (without evidence) since you’ve never seen Jonathon Gannon’s Cardinals do anything good at all, they must have something THE LIKES OF WHICH THE NFL HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE coming in 2025.”

After Bruce Arians was ran out town to go win a SB in Tampa Bay so Steve Keim could DUI around town for a couple more years, Mike Bidwill fucked up by giving Steve Wilks/Josh Rosen the team the next year. It was Bidwill’s, “fuck the professionals, I’m the rich gay kid my daddy left the team to and I’ll just do it my way.”

So he went with the Kliff Kingsbury/Kyler Murray Kexperiment and, immediately, the press was like, “Well this is a four-year project to build a winner.” It was a full-on failure BUT it gave Bidwill basically three years off to focus on league matters like colluding to keep guaranteed money out of contracts.

So naturally Bidwill went with an inexperienced HC in Gannon. This is year 3 of the “rebuild” and there’s “no more excuses” for a team that has “improved their win total every year”. Except, of course, there are infinite excuses in the world of 24/7-coverage-is-life.

Read the end of year NFLPA report cards — DEAD LAST. Players don’t like being on this team. They dont like the facilities, they dont like the owner — players have nicer shit and more support in college.

And it’s been grafed this way for years. Always indifferent to families. Always with inadequate facilities. Not enough training room assets for a full team. No roster depth (roster depth costs money).

So yeah, the rest of the West looks like shells of their former championship-caliber teams — but the Cardinals are the same team as always; a shitty franchise that never changes so we force ourselves to explore the idea, “Well if Fat Stafford is finally aging out, then Sean McVay wont be able to scheme anytime in their top-notcn culture and facilities so NOW Kyler will be motivated to prepare for games!”

The whole NFC west sucks this year. The Cardinals can’t win it.

*Stumble = live with the typical results of a little hangover that comes after years of competitiveness and pretty good decisions overall.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But they like their head coach!

1
Doktor Zymm

As I can confirm from my time at FB, liking one or two things about a job does NOT suffice to make for happy and productive employees when everything else sucks

6
blaxabbath

Something to the effect of, “… but you know Bob, that keeps you working just hard enough to not get fired.”

1
Mr. Ayo

Despite Bidwell’s sexuality, this is some great hating.

4
Doktor Zymm

Eh, Pearsall might have a breakout year if he doesn’t get shot again. Along with their last place schedule that should be enough to get them above 7 wins. I agree that they’re not an Owl favorite (I think Vegas has them at sixth?!) but see them closer to 0.500

0
Gumbygirl

I’m not counting out Rrrrammit. I think Fatty just doesn’t want to do training camp.

2
litre_cola

Dok, Spam and I have a future on RAMMIT to win the NFC.

4
Doktor Zymm

I’m sure Stafford will be fine if he just starts using antler spray and bull semen as pizza toppings

2
King Hippo

Bull Semen Pizza sounds like a great MAGA-verse business name.

2
Gatoraids

add on Tactical Bull Semen Pizza

4
King Hippo

Rainy weekend, so I started a pot roast overnight. Huzzah.

On the other hand…ESPN acquiring RedZone Channel scares me to my existential core. If it gets ruined (and how could ESPN resist ruining it?), that will be the end of Instant Hippo Thoughts. But at least it won’t get approved for the 2025 season.

11
Mr. Ayo

Redzone, hosted by Pat McAfee! With guest spots by Stephen A. Smith!

Can’t fucking wait.

4
BeefReeferLives

In times of political & football watching rights FUD, pot roast will always be a welcome source of solace and stability.

Mmmmmm… Pot roast.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The cool thing about being invited to a pot roast is that it could mean one of two things and both of them are fun.

4
Gumbygirl

Yes.

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BeefReeferLives

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[stands in front of bathroom mirror]

Okay, but you’d better be holding a six-pack.

0
ArmedandHammered

And 30 degrees cooler!

2
King Hippo

also very much appreciate!

0
WCS

I was off last night. Lil’ and Lil’er WCS had sushi, pizza, and watched some movies. We were asleep by 23:00. Today, we’re either going to visit princess and Duke WCS, or go to the church carnival down the street.

This is stuff I was missing for most of July. Folks, I guess I really do love them all.

DAD MOMENT ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

13
2Pack

Take plenty of photos. I was looking at some of us at the beach 25+ years ago the other day and smiled like a fool the rest of the evening.

4
WCS

Speaking of, I can’t ever figure out how to post pictures of my own on here. This Yinzer found ¡SPONCH! couple of days ago and procured a box.

Last edited 8 months ago by WCS
4
BeefReeferLives

the mexican cookies?

1
WCS

just don’t tell ICE

2
BeefReeferLives

Good to hear you are getting some good fam time after a rough few weeks, WCS…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu3OQFCsKXQ

3
Gumbygirl

I’m glad, my darling dear. You are a good guy, not a jagoff, and you deserve nice things! Go to the church carnival and scarf down some pierogies!

3
2Pack

Gotta admit… She’s much easier on the eyes than Uncle Teddy. I mine eye candy content HARD – so you don’t have to.

7
blaxabbath

Second.

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