Some games/weeks are harder to summarize than others.  Gesticulates wildly at Week 2, hides under bed.

OK, I just turned the TV off (tablet still on Donks/Humps FULL, because I hate myself) after seeing Dallas win The Personhood Derby, 40-37 (OT).  The lead changed hands eleventy-billion times in Q4.  It seemed final when Russ moonballed an amazing catch and even more surreal catch by Nabers, to lead 37-34 with 25 seconds to play.  But one completion and a 3-yard draw were enough to kick a placement from 64 yards to die, and the dillweed made it.

In OT, with the new stupid rules, it’s poison to have the ball first.  And the N-GCp punted, setting up Charmslinger to finish off a career day (he had over 450 yards passing),  On 2nd and 3, he decided to pull back a throw, and lateraled the ball -14 yards, which sk8rboi at least knocked out of bounds.  Russ would…not redeem himself, and the Cowpersons got the ball, needing only 15 or so yards to kick the winner.

They went backwards, and then oddly punted on 4th and 5.  Neither defense so much as served as a speed bump for all of Q4, and now with Sudden Death these chucklefucks are playing FOAR field position.

Shit, the Vertically Enhanced Persons even ran the punt back almost to the 35.  On 2nd down, Wilson throws the ball up aimlessly for grabs, Dallas picks it off easily.  They hit ONE LOUSY PASS, one lousy “Parting of the Red Sea” draw, and kicked a FG from 46 yards away to win.  Five motherficking possessions in Extra Time of a 37-37 game.  WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?

And of course, the most prolific quartered backing day in VEP history (I am guessing), and Wilson ends up the goat anyway.  Only Russell Wilson and only the VEP could manage to pull this off.  Jaxson Dart will start next week (Hippo prediction, and y’all know Hippo is always RITE), and find a new, scothnaut-infuriating way to lose.

But let me make this clear – these are two TERRIBLE football squadrons, that deserve your full and unadulterated scorn.  While it was A+++++ in watchability (for the neutral), the quality would suck for Tuesday night MAC-tion.  I turned the TV off so as not to see ghoulish Jerral Jones happy, like he does a good (in terms of leadership).  He’s MOAR full of shit than even Herr Fuhrer in DC, and this is just Darkest Timeline side hustle.

Cincinnati and London also played a crazy one, featuring a Joe Burrow toe ouchie, Prison Girlfriend throwing shhhhhaaaaaaddddde at his coach (before BTJ dropped a 4th down conversion pass that would have sealed a Jaguras victory), followed by a 1-yard ball stretch TD (on 3rd down) by poetess Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  WKRP holds on for a fairly lucky 31-27 win, now holds its breath for X-ray time (after Mike Brown gets a signed letter of pre-approval from his budget insurance carrier).  So, maybe Wednesday?  STAY TUNED.

The bronze medal of craziness?  That goes to New England at Miami.  The P*ts scored TDs on their first two drives, and it looked for the world like Fuck You, LOLfin had lied down and quit.  Missed both extra points, though.  That kind of day.  Miami would actually take a lead in Q3, and then go back in front midway through Q4, on a punt return TD.  Outkicking ones coverage?  This was Exhibit A, an absolute bomb of a punt that backfired.

Then New England took the kickoff down the right, untouched (to my memory) for 7 in return.  They’d add a post-turnover FG for 33-27, which would be the final score after a shaky defensive stand.  Poor Tua, that kid’s done.  As I said live, good thing he can immediately wipe those memory banks!  As much as I hate to say this about a U*NC alumnus…Rebecca Malone has that “little something” that franchise QBs have.  Not saying he will be a Hall of Famer – but he’ll be good to very good, likely for a long while.

I also can’t help grudgingly respecting The Bay Area Legend of White Mac, in terms of salvaging what looked like a car crash of a career.  Much like Bollo del Verdad, he’s transitioned from “first round bust” to “premium NFL backup that you are comfortable playing for multiple weeks (and maybe even on a multi-year deal).”  He started piss-poor, but hung in and outdueled a surprisingly effective Spencer Rattler, 26-21 in N’Awlins.  I mean, good on each kid.  My prediction of a disaster season for Santa Clara?  Not Great, Bob!

Same category?  My enthusiasm for the Strawberry Fields Jest.  They went down to Brokeback and the visiting Bills Mafia, 30-3 before a Meadowlands turf-induced concussion knocked Fields out.  Brokeback looked like he took a nasty, possibly broken nose injury early, but only missed one series.  That’s one tough doofus.  30-10 was the final, because Buffalo didn’t need to leave 2nd gear.

Feeling a little better about dooming Q-aron’s Yinzburgh, after a shittastic 31-17 home loss to Seattle.  Touch of Downs made reams of first half mistakes, and PIT got lots of dumb luck early on, en route to a 14-7 HT lead.  But then the wheels came off, in each and every phase of the game (save placements).

#ThePauls were fairly frisky in Week 1.  Week 2?  They were back to weapons-grade #ThePauls.  You know, as one expects.  Ratbirds get well off SNF disaster, and win a 41-17 laugher.

Tennessee looked for a bit like they’d cause RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! some trouble, but faded in Q4 for a 33-19 home opener loss.  Cam Ward had some excellent moments, but nothing consistent.  Motherfucker needs some help, though I could still foresee a 6 or 7-win season.  Matt Stafford remains a fatty.

We all wondered whether a “get well” performance was in store for Baby Buster and his Fuck Liouns.  YES on both accounts, and the Bearistocrats! remain…what they have been for some time now.  Detroit won 52-21, and it easily could have been worse than that.

That leaves the late window, which left me cold.  I really didn’t care about the “Full National” Superb Owl re-match, and its various assorted analingus.  Iggles ended up winning, 20-17.  I watched none of it.

Arizona got a sack/fumble TD of Wee Bryce very early, and floated downstream the rest of the way.  I last paid attention at 27-3, hoping Qards D/ST wouldn’t give up too much garbage time production.  Because I suck, the Black Panthers got 3 TDs worth of garbage time, 27-22.

I very much appreciated Bo Nix’ much improved Week 2 performance.  Defense didn’t make the trip to the Gravy Boat, though.  Some concerns allayed, but new ones take their place.  Circle of life.  Because football is life.  Still, Denver had it won except for (i) shitty placement kicking; then (ii) an absolutely moronic leaping call, granting Indy a second, much easier try for the 29-28.  SIXTY YARD FGs ARE FUCKING HARD, MAKE THEM EXECUTE WITHOUT STUPID DESPERATION ANTICS.

I don’t really feel like watching Vikes/Sherman’s Ashes.  Sorry, y’all.  Male menopause HAWT flashes are a bitch and a half.  PLUS ALL TEH ANGER.