Fuck a duck, we’ve made it all the way through Season del Regular.  We now can look forward to (i) the best 3 weeks in any sportsball enthusiast’s life; followed by (ii) month after month of withdrawals and crippling depression.  Shout out to Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson, our always professional and enthusiastic (read: coked up) FITBAW companion.

Black Panthers’ Saturday slapdickery meant they needed help for the ultimate in backdoor adventures (PHRASING; judges Balls in WASP).  If an entire division is under .500, I think they should determine the champion/playoff fodder team by drawing of lots.  But since the ROOLZ ain’t no fun, NFC South supremacy depends on Falcons/Saints.  Although Sherman’s Ashes got ahead early and maintained that lead most of the way – it was appropriately itchy, for this most inconclusive of NFL divisions.  But on 3rd and 7 with 3 and change left, it was the ATL defense that stepped up, jumping the route and taking the pickerception all the way into FG range.  That subsequent kick made it 19-10.  Some Saints rando managed a cray-cray one-handed TD catch to cut it to 19-17, but no Saints timeouts left.  They’d need the onside kick, but ATL (Kyle Pitts, specifically) recovered.  Go ahead and send out those gift baskets, Dave Canales and Wee Bryce.  Charlotte gets to host a playoff game at 8-9!

Otherwise, most of the early meaning came from Myles Garrett chasing the sack record.  He looked tired and frustrated most of the game, but finally got home in the last 6 minutes of Q4.  Swim move, immediately on top of Burrow and we have a new single-season sack king.  Burrow rallied his men for a late score on the next drive, though, for a late 18-17 lead   But #ThePauls got in range for a 49-yard kick to defeat their in-state not-really-rivals.  Good FOAR them, I guess!  Both CLE touchdowns were of the defensive varietal, FWIW.

Now and forever, eat shit and die, Michael Strahan (and Favrenis for the ‘assist’).

DonT’s would-be-spoiler Tits got first blood, on a Cam Ward scramble.  But he hurt his shoulder (and/or brains) and had to leave the game.  Jaguras just piled on after that, to win the Surly Duff and keep pressure on the Donks and P*ts late.  41-7 is the final from Duuuuvvvvaaaallllll.

J.J. McCarthy?  Got hurt again.  But the Packers’ practice squad made nothing of it, in a very forgettable 16-3 loss to the SKOL homeys.  Green Bay called timeout with 1 second left, so they could get the FG and avoid the clean sheet.  Mildly amusing, I guess.

VEP/Cowpersons was similarly played in 2nd gear (and Dak only played the first half), but both squadrons decided to be chippy about it.  I dunno why, people are just weird.  New Jersey’s most diehard get to see a spite win, as the VEP reiterate their non-tankery.  34-17, what a proud day to be Vertically Enhanced.

Riley Leonard was surprisingly spunky for the Humps, as the 500s pulled starters at the half (noticing that TEN was in no way, shape, or form threatening JAX).  Went back and forth for awhile, but last substantive act was Fairbairn from 43, GOOD for the 32-30 win….except the 500s managed a FAT GUY TD on the Indy wacky lateral final play.  So…make it 38-30 from the Imaginarium.  HOU will get the 5 seed, and head to either Yinzburgh or Balmer.

As we enter the late window, Vegas has the #1 pick clinched.  They could, without adverse consequence, hang yet another loss on the Chefs!  8 combined FGs (including Raiders winner from SIXTY) and a safety in this wretched contest, 14-12 Vegas win.  Point and laugh, everyone.  It’s your DUTY.

Donks (WOO!!!!) got an early gift this week, with Harbs’ announcement that he’d rest starters (including Herbert the Duck) in Week 18.  As such, Denver was like 40-point favoUrites in Mile High.  Easy peasy!  Even without almost any contribution from the offensing unit.  19-3, Clips shipping up to Bahstahn now.  Denver’s defemse got the only end zone trip.

New England still needed a home win over the LOLfins to wrap up the 2 seed.  Miami blocked a FG in the 2nd quarter, and showed a mild pulse.  Then cratered HARD.

Brokeback handed off to keep his consecutive start streak alive, then it was time to kiss some WNY titties!  Bollo del Verdad had little trouble with the long-ded J-E-S-T, 35-8 winner.  Combined with the Clips loss, Buffalo rises to the 6 seed and a trip to Northern Florida.  While Noo Yawk spoiled the clean sheet, they NEVAR picked off Bollo.  Which means that the New York Football Jets become the FIRST NFL TEAM EVAR to go an entire season without tallying a pickerception.  Despite playing SEVENTEEN GAMES.  This is immensely satisfying, and I don’t even have anything against NYJ.

Chi**** and Detroit – who fucking cares?  I guess it’s notable that Caleb Williams is an ass-kisser, wearing his coach’s HIGH SCHOOL jersey to the stadium.  What a weirdo.  Lions were killing it through three quarters, then derped the Bearistocrats back into it.  Twin octopi and we are TIED at 16.  Ugh.  Green Bay will be at Chi**** in the wild card round, trying to avenge their bonkers, onside kick-based loss a few weeks back.  Despite Detroit winning this at the death, 19-16.  Because Philly phucked it.

RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! did play their starters, but had a home dogfight with the Qards anyway.  Until Q4, when the roof caved in.  3 scores and the 37-20 victors head back to Cakalaky for the 4/5 tilt.

Philly played backups, and didn’t play very well.  Sirianni gave no fucks about the 2 seed, now he gets the Tomulas.  Commies suck out late, win 24-17.

Nothing to watch Sunday night, so Hippo will sleep and wait to see who The Shield assigns the 4 seed in the AFC.