Request Line: Pre-offseason Recap

Greetings, faithful listeners.

While it may not be apparent at times (because it is not occurring), every season of Request Line (excluding Seasons 1 through 4) has included a narrative arc that resolves itself gracefully by the conclusion of the offseason and the resumption of that which gives us sustenance: real football. For example, the arc in Season Five consisted of Eli Manning’s Slumber Party and the attendant aftermath.  Season Six dealt with the PRODUCER’s loss of sanity due to his isolation from society as a result of the COVID pandemic.  Season Seven was about Cole Beasley’s efforts to produce a film with the sleazy DFO Insiders.  Season Eight was, uh, well, you wouldn’t get it.  Season Nine was entirely consumed with DJ 3000 and his friends’ efforts to escape from a recursive* time loop. And Season Ten consisted of DJ 3000′ attempting to hide his true identify as a refuge from a darkest timeline from intern-turned-host Hunter Renfrow. And Season Eleven? Well let me tell you about Season Eleven…

At the beginning of Season Eleven, Hunter Renfrow had been cut from Josh McDaniels’ Raiders and signed to a permanent position as the host of Request Line.  Hunter’s initial shows dealt with his problems of chronic tardiness (with various episodes focusing on NFL divisions were sprinkled throughout the season as filler given that there have already been TWO HUNDRED NINETY TWO topics covered already), but after a few weeks Hunter got settled in and we learned a bit more about his life off the field. Specifically, his burgeoning involvement with his friend and classmate Rachel Dunbarton, with whom he shared a number of common interests, such as Star Trek and Magic: The Gathering.

The trouble in Hunter’s paradise, of course, was third vertex in his trigonometric adventures in romance. Or “romantic adventures in trigonometry”. No wait, the first one. That vertex goes by the name of Angie Martinez, the reigning captain of Soscatee High School’s dance squad, who in normal circumstances would have remained completely and blissfully unaware of Hunter’s existence other than as a cheerful A/V geek who plugged in RCA cables as needed. Fortunately, in true rom-com fashion, DJ 3000′ saw it upon himself to intervene in human affairs and throw a wrench into the workings of Angie’s current relationship, leading her to make out (or “snog” in local parlance) with Hunter during the Soscatee High School class trip to London.

To complicate matters further, Hunter was forced to head to his ancestral home of South Carolina for a family reunion, where like any proper Southern gentleman he captured the attention of his so very attractive cousin. While Hunter was reluctant to share any details of their dalliance, it was sufficient to inspire Cousin Hazel to enlist the help of her own cathodic companion in an unsuccessful attempt to keep Hunter from returning to his vocation at KDFO studios in Culver City, California.

Which brings us to the Soscatee High School Prom, which had been delayed all the way until August thanks to the efforts of the recently installed Anti-Woke Committee.  Under the tutelage of DJ 3000′, Hunter was wise enough to put together an elaborate prom-posal and escort his faithful friend (or maybe more?) Rachel Dunbarton to the dance.  Upon arriving to the pre-prom photography session, we learned that Angie Martinez had no choice but to accept her cousin Richie Incognito as an escort to the dance. Unbeknownst to our protagonists, shortly following the portrait session the photographer was brutally slain. At the prom, Rachel and Angie spoke with their calculus teacher Ms. Thomas (i.e. LADYREF), who shortly thereafter was also murdered while attempting to enter the teacher’s lounge and the ominous warning “Death to Whistleblowers” was written in her blood.  In the following episode, Rachel helped Hunter recover from a shiner he suffered at the hands of Richie, and the body count increased by one more. Finally, the offseason concluded with a detente between the women in Hunter’s love triangle and some appropriate celebratory dancing, but with Angie’s date in mortal peril…

What’s next? Find out on the upcoming season of Request Line! STAY TUNED!

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*is extremely intoxicated and is only using this word in an attempt to sound intelligent.