An Embarrassment of Post-Season Ramblings (A Downfield Matriculator Jam)

Have you been missing FITBAW??  I sure ’nuff have.  Thankfully, our imaginary pal Downfield Matriculator has submitted the following for our great enjoyment…

Of course you all know that certain groups of animals get odd/cool names – a murder of crows, gaggle of geese or school of fish.  And there are similar terms for groups of people – a cast of actors, board of directors, a coven of witches, you get the picture. 

A Village of Idiots

Well it turns out that many of these clever coinages, at least the animal ones, are “terms of venery” and date back to some hunting and fishing tips first printed in the Book of St. Albans from the late 15th century.  While one might assume terms of venery refers to the oozing genitals and lesion-covered flesh of the average tavern wench in those long ago days, that sexy-time image I just put in your head is only the alternate definition of venery.  The primary reference is to hunting.  And while I suppose hunting metaphors abound when horny romancers start talking (stalking one’s prey, taking a shot or, I guess for the incels, lying in wait), this post is not about wearing a Day-Glo Hat and blowing on a duck call in hopes of getting laid – I need to get back on track here:  We are talking about ridiculous collective nouns . . . and football.

The bored English gentry who created the terms of venery almost certainly did that inventing in the wintry weather when it was too cold or foul to go outside.  They busted out the good brandy, yelled at the scullery maid to keep polishing the silver and said things like “You know, Sir Reginald, I do believe I saw some foxes skulking about the chicken coops and . . . by George that’s it!  We shall call them a ‘skulk’ of foxes from now on.”  Or “I say, Lady Edith, I had rather to brace myself with a glass of claret before confronting my manservant Jenkins regdarding his constant grousing about having to button my breeches, and . . . Gadzooks that’s it!  We shall call them a ‘brace’ of grouse from now on.”  When the weather cleared up, they promptly climbed onto large horses and loaded up their ungainly firearms and went galloping over the moors to shoot at the aforementioned skulk of foxes or brace of grouse  . . . or to do other aristocratic and/or straight up gay nonsense.

An Inbreeding of Nobility

Well in service you all, I have elected to be just like those British twats of yore, but without the risk of offending the Prince of Wales (for now, anyway).  Our long offseason is here now that the Superb Owl LX is over (note that 60 of those makes for a veritable parliament of owls!).  The weather in SF post-Owl was pretty rainy and the rest of the country was in single-digit temperature lockdown.  Thus, I was compelled to stay inside so I busted out some libations and got around to thinking that football “teams” or “rosters” might work in general, but the individual franchises clearly needed some goddamned terms of venery. 

So without further ado . . . I present you with the following collection of collective nouns for all of the NFL franchises (more or less completely ignoring those that might exist already for teams with animal mascots):

AFC East

• Stampede of Bills (I mean, how could it not be?)

• Orthopod of Dolphins (for all Tua’s . . . umm . . . back injuries)

• Conflagration of Jets (maybe a bit too 9-11y, but my friends a dumpster fire is a dumpster fire)

• Deflation of Patriots (or, I suppose if referring to ownership, an Ejaculation) 

AFC North

• Parsimony of Bengals (cheap cheap cheap)

• Sadness of Browns (does the factory require any further explanation?)

• Stabbing of Ravens (sort of adjacent to murder of crows . . . and Ray Lewis!)

• Obsolescence of Steelers (when old school goes a bit too far and ends up with a goddamn useless retread like McCarthy!).

AFC South

• Gravyboat of Colts (an aptly named serving vessel for those back home in Indiana – and you probably still have that unused one from your wedding registry in a cabinet somewhere)

• Mustachio of Jaguars (Khaaaaannnn! and/or Duuuvalllll!)

• Figment of Texans (Imaginarios indeed)

• Clashing of Titans (too obvious?)

AFC West

• Acromegaly of Broncos (look it up and then think of Elway’s jaw and Peyton’s forehead).

• Tempest of Chargers (may have fit better when Rivers was there, but Boltman and Harbs can still create chaos!)

• Buffet of Chiefs (Uncle Andy’s Smorgasbord)

• Mutation of Raiders (applies both to the mutants in the black hole and the genetic oddity currently serving as owner – could have been an Autumn Wind but I used Facenda below for the Packers instead)

NFC East

• Mediocrity of Cowboys (a little bit over .500 since their last Owl, but have not sniffed an NFC Championship game in that time either)

• Battery of Eagles (Artist’s conception of the very firstest usage: “Egad, Dame Felicity, those hooligans with white-headed raptors on their jerkins are throwing batteries at beloved Saint Nicholas and . . .  Zounds, that it!  We shall call them a ‘battery’ of Eagles from now on.”)

• Ensmallment of Giants (Thought about an Embiggening as we all know that is a perfectly cromulent word, but went with Cyril Figgis instead of Ms. Krabappel for my animation inspiration).

• Clusterf*$k of [REDACTEDS] (or I suppose a Brigade of Commanders, but that is simply not as fun and/or mean)

NFC North

• Shuffle of Bears (1985 will never die, but I am still pissed Ditka called a TD play for the Refrigerator and none for Sweetness) 

• Shame of Lions (a tad bit more to be proud of recently, but no Superb Owls ever? Fie, fie, the shame!)

• Tundra of Packers (it surely do get cold there + one voice of God, which ain’t Berman [link])

• Pontooning of Vikings (could have gone with Sexyhouseboatful, but that’s not even a cromulent word)

NFC South

• Depot of Falcons (could refer to Arthur Blank’s ownership or the plethora of what appears to be mere day laborers on the team)

• Marching of Saints (could have been Krewe, but that implies Mardi Gras and fun – and apart from post-Katrina Brees, not much partying for the NO team)

• Confederacy of Panthers (approved by the ghost of Jerry Richardson)

• Infection of Buccaneers (MRSA men forever)

NFC West

• Confusion of Cardinals (What are they even doing there in AZ?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Plus, “College” was taken by the Pope!)

• Panhandling of 49ers (from the original panhandle in Golden Gate Park near Kezar Stadium where the team first played, to the current efforts of the unhoused folks to score cash, to the obvious fan-soaking behavior of the grifters running the team, and of course to honor Hobo Tomsula – panhandlers abound!)

• Gridlock of Rams (Forget it Jake, it’s Inglewood)

• Fortification of Seahawks (some stellar D over the last 20 years up in the PNW and congrats to the DFO 12th men on your SBLX shitstomping of the Pats . . . very deflating for them)

Now get after it and fix my list if you must  – not every site has a Dickjokery of Kommenters like DFO!