Monday Morning Mock Draft: Action!

Guten Tag, drones.

Today is my first day back at work after a two-week vacation.  They say a good vacation has you chomping at the bit to get back to work and get back at it.  If that’s true then this vacation sucked because, if I may quote the (presumably) late scrivener, Bartleby, “I would prefer not.”

I am, suffice to say, reasonably confident that, when I am able to retire, finding meaning in my day-to-day life outside of a job is not going to be a problem.

That said, I am back at work and smack into the middle of an expert’s deposition at 10:00 am.  What kind of asshole schedules something like that for their first day back after two weeks off when it’s already going to be a disaster zone?

This guy.

Although,

the expert kind of controls the date and time.  Be an expert, kids; it pays well and you can screw with everyone else’s schedule.

Anyway, that point of all that, (other than building the word count), is to say that I had a couple of good topics lined up, but I also want to participate in those good topics and I likely can’t, so we’re going to go with something else that I’m not as committed to.

Action Stars!

Now, an important rule that will almost certainly be violated:  Once the actor, or actress, is drafted, they are gone for ALL action roles.  Doesn’t matter if you want Stallone for Rocky but someone already took him for Rambo:  Once he’s gone, he’s gone for all roles.

Also Rocky probably shouldn’t be considered an action movie but that’s a debate for another time.

With the first pick I take the King of Action Movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  You probably figured that from the featured image.

The rest of you are on the clock.  Hopefully I’ll catch up with the later parts of the draft.

 

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Gatoraids

Clint Eastwood – Dirty Harry
more of the action roll than Man with No Name id otherwise prefer

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. I can’t believe you folks. A dozen women off the board and nobody bothers to take the indisputable GOAT female action star: Michelle Yeoh.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): It’s really sexist that she wasn’t picked before now.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: There’s been more than half a dozen women picked already.

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): Racist, then.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [gestures at Halle Berry and Lucy Liu]

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): …

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Let’s just say everyone else has very bad scouting departments.

NotShogunButShogun

Milla Jovovich
Leelu MF’N Dallas and Resident Evil

Brocky

Chris Hemsworth

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Also, part of me thinks the man has a clause in his contract that he has to take his shirt off at least once per film

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Superb value.

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Halle Berry

meow

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Nicholas Cage has made some very fine fun action movies.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Sigourney Weaver

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Doktor Zymm

Aw snap! Since Gumbygirl mentioned Princess Bride I’m totally picking again and taking Cary Elwes
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Last edited 20 days ago by Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm

Looking at pizza for lunch and there’s place that has birria pizza. Worth a try I’m thinking?

Brocky

Keeping the trend of batman going, Christian bale

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Although I’ll always think of him in American psycho

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Gumbygirl

Val Kilmer

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a solid sleeper pick, I can’t believe he fell this far.

Brick Meathook

George Clooney

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Gumbygirl

Michael Keaton

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Brocky

Hugh Jackman

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He’s JACKED!!!!!!

man!

Gumbygirl

Andre the Giant. Don’t try to claim The Princess Bride wasn’t an action movie, Horatio.

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Gumbygirl

Wise choice.

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BugEyedBoo

Liam Neeson

BugEyedBoo

.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve yet to see this one, but it’s on my list.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[throws down clipboard]

/for real though I had him right around here with a fourth round grade

Doktor Zymm

I’ve only had 2 picks so far so also tking Lucy Liu
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Doktor Zymm

I’m actually going to stop here and imagine what movie I would make with my 3 picks and also Tim Curry is in there in a non-action role

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of Tim Curry the Dr. Mrs. doesn’t think she’s seen Legend so we might have to rectify this weekend.

Gumbygirl

I know I’ve told yinz this before, but Legend is one of the two Tom Cruise movies I’ve watched the whole way through.

Doktor Zymm

!!! You now have weekend plans, go forth an watch!

Brocky

Really reflects how badly he’s ruined everyone’s opinion of him

Brocky

Too many formulaic movies in Too short a time, being hard to work with, injecting himself into other issues, he also meddled in the wrestlemania main event a few years ago, really alienating a core group of his fan base.

Gumbygirl

He tepidly endorsed Joe Biden, and then when he started getting heat from the slack jawed rubes, he went on Fox and denounced “woke” culture, all while claiming he isn’t political.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He seems like the Shadeur Sanders of this draft. Yes, we’re all aware of him, but nobody really wants him on their squad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or to put it another way: Yahoo grades this pick an A+.

Doktor Zymm

Why yes, I will take Sean Connery
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Brocky

God damn it that was my next one

NotShogunButShogun

Gerard Butler. 300

Brocky

Jackie chan

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I will not be elaborating

Brocky

Don’t make me post a gratuitous shoulder pic

Brick Meathook

Adam West

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be clear, the PRODUCER of Request Line is not a sleazy Hollywood type, he’s just a regular dude who works at an imaginary radio station alongside a time-traveling magical robot deejay. RTD and DTZM are the sleazy ones. And their dads.

Last edited 20 days ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, eleven years of kontent makes for quite the tangled web.

Brick Meathook

William H. Macy

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Fronkenshteen

Not sure why he’s still on the board, but Charles Grodin.
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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Ryan Renolds.

Love me some Deadpool movies

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like holo-Graham, amirite?

Cause he’s dead, you see. Lindsey Graham, I mean.

NotShogunButShogun

JCVD

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jean Claude Van Damme, in case you are like me and wondering how on earth he was still available (the answer being “he’s not”).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Tom Cruise. Can’t pass up on this kind of value, and the man has made many fine action movies in his career. Weirdness aside, if you hire Tom Cruise to be in your action movie, you will absolutely get your money’s worth.

2Pack

She’s got crazy shoulders

2Pack

In the 4th round, Xena should count, was an animated movie with Lucy doing the voice. For obvious reasons I will not post the animated movie Pic here, but rather a still from the TV series… just for clarity mind you…

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2Pack

I did the research. Smokey this is not Nam…

jjfozz

New #1 position on my hate-kill-pulverize list: “talent acquisition” in any company.

These shitburgers call you and are as excited as a puppy on MDA. Then they ghost you.

Look, fuckface, be honest. Be real. You gonna be real dead.

Also, fuck the world and my old boss, who has yet to respond to my “thank you” email and request for a reference. He can eat a dick.

BugEyedBoo
Brocky

I didn’t know Keanu was in the Blair witch movie

LemonJello

2nd Pick: Keanu Reeves

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BugEyedBoo

Oh goddamnit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Kurt Russell is still on the board? Sure.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Lots of great choices still on the board. I almost want to create a burner account to snap some of them up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Harrison Ford.

NotShogunButShogun

No Chuck Norris?! I take Chuck Norris.
*He’s plotting your doom as we speak*

Doktor Zymm

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I like this actor, not movie thing cuz Bruce Campbell was in tons of good shit

2Pack

Anne. I know the role wasn’t notable, but the outfit is certainly worth 3rd round value.

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Doktor Zymm

The people who say that about vacation are either sad workaholics, or people with small children who took them on vacation but have child care when they’re at work

Brocky

Pick #2:

Mother fucking Danny Trejo

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Last edited 20 days ago by Brocky
2Pack

In the second round, Pam. I’m nothing if not predictable.

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2Pack

Gal in the first round. I’m nothing if not predictable

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2Pack

Hippo also, is nothing if not predictable.

Brocky

I’m going to draft Chris Evans

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Fun fact: Hayley Atwell “improvised” touching his muscles during this scene

But fuck yeah captain america/human torch/others

Gumbygirl

I’m just impressed you can tell one of those Chris’ from the others.

Downfield Matriculator

Stallone: Maybe not Rocky but John Friggin’ Rambo!

Rambo
Brocky

Also, the worst character assassination ever seen on film

Goes from a film about commentary about ptsd and how soliders are treated to every negative stereotype of Reagan era foreign policy personified

Downfield Matriculator

Yup. Went from “They drew first blood, sir” to “Kill ’em all, let God sort ’em out”

Sharkbait

They say a good vacation has you chomping at the bit to get back to work and get back at it.

Who the fuck says that? If anything my time off/vacations makes me want to travel more and work less.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I presume “they” refers to “employers”.

2Pack

Yeah, WTF are “they”…

peter-sellers_a56975
Brocky

Objectively speaking I’ve been in a situation where I wanted to go beastmode on whatever stack of work was piled up while I was away, but that was more for necessity than enjoyment

WCS

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Bruce Willis, the master of getting his ass beat, cracking one-liners, and killing bad guys.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(Bruce Lee)

LemonJello

1st Round pick is in: Jason Statham

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