Bronze Vibrations: France v. England, Etc. Etc.

Hallo, ‘ello. The Mundial third place game is today. If forced to describe the game in one word, I would turn to one that is the same in English and Spanish, or written a bit different. The word is consolador, which is how most hispanohablantes refer to a dildo.

Yes, dildo is written the same in both English and Spanish. But consolador is the cultured choice for smut.

The third place match is a consolation game, no doubt. “Consolator”, in Spanish, applies both to people giving emotional support AND dildos and sex toys in general. As the name suggests, a consolador can be much more than a mere sex toy. Just ask people as diverse as “Everything is Empowering” influencers, incels, and Sex and the City fans. And just like a lonely orgasm can thrill*, FRA – ENG could be hella entertaining.

* Source: a monograph I read back in 1997, later adapted into the movie A.D. The Bible Continues.

 France v. England – 5 EST

Thoid Place, Mayami

 Two of the best squads in international Lesser square off and the stakes are a bronze medal and $30 million USD. As it lacks the pressure of a final, I would expect a loose game with the teams looking to score. In fact, three contenders to the Mundial scoring title are in this match: Mbappé (first with eight goals, tied with Messi), and Kane and Bellingham (six each).

On the other hand, ENG is playing on two-days rest (one less than FRA). Both squads are also expected to sit most starters. Surely all of the players’ clubs phoned the French and English FAs to remind them that real futbol season starts in August. And all that is additional to all agents to the players texting the coaches “Hey, don’t risk an injury to my boy for a gently-used fleshlight”.

The worst endorsement for the game came from one of the coaches involved: “None of our players and none of the French players want to play this match” Yes it was ENG coach Thomas Tuchel, a German who never shied away from pooping on every party.

Bears noting that England deserves all the shit coming their way for being in this match. It was 100% self-inflicted:

Este dato de @OptaJavier es demoledor.

Después del 1-0 de Inglaterra, la posesión de Argentina fue de 88% contra el 12% de los ingleses.

Hicieron 266 pases contra 38 de Inglaterra.

Fueron 37 minutos en los que Argentina arrasó a Inglaterra y los sometió completamente. Los 11… pic.twitter.com/KESsW1IOiK

— Juez Central (@Juezcentral) July 15, 2026

There was no need for any refereeing favoring ARG, because English cowardice handed them the match. This England team has to be in a deep funk right now. It has to come down to pride, and Bellingham and Pickford have it. Only pride can salvage some English dignity, but I guess most of ENG will only strive for professionalism.

The French stopped giving a fuck sometime on the second half against Spain, while still trailing 1-0. But if I know the French, they don’t pass on many opportunities to humiliate England. And England, after being so pathetic in their semi (save for Bellingham and Pickford), deserve moar humiliation.

Predicción: FRA 3 – 1 ENG. Yeah, Imma watch this one—maybe! 🤪

Banner via artnet, Paul McCarthy’s “Tree” (Paris, 2014)