Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Your 2026 Jets Season Preview!

They’re gonna suck.

This has been your 2026 Jets season preview.

Okay, fine, I have a minimum word count to hit. But I’ll be honest, I don’t really care, it’s like the 15th sequel of a hackneyed film series complete with all the shittiest clichéd tropes.

Look, it’s Geno Smith who became a competent quarterback after he left the Jets, like now-champion Sam Darnold! Except, he’s back with the Jets now.

Garrett Wilson is back with someone to actually throw him the ball, and Breece Hall and Braelon Allen are a solid run game! Except we’ve been trying to replicate the highs of the line since the Nick & Brick days (RIP Nick Mangold).

Look, the Jets special teams were historically good last year! Bye, Nick Folk. (Everyone else is back in that department, including returners Kene Nwangwu and Isaiah Williams, punter Austin McNamara, and long snapper Thomas Hennessy.) David Bailey’s having a really good training camp as an edge rusher, and him with Will McDonald IV is the building blocks of a solid pass rush! This website had as many interceptions as the Jets last year, so the only way to go is up!

Except, it’s the Jets. The Jets are like your modern America, in that there’s always a lower low to hit. Fittingly, the owner of the Jets is a one-time ambassador in this regime. But also, I should not feel so easy in using the word regime.

Best-Case Scenario: The Johnsons go to Iran and their attempts to make peace are foiled by Brick telling the Ayatollah he can’t negotiate with someone who only has a 45 awareness. Nukes fall, everyone dies. (I’d link to TVTropes here but you have to ad-whitelist them now, the bastards.)

Worst-Case Scenario: 5-12, missing out on a top quarterback.

Most-Likely Scenario: 6-11, missing out on a top quarterback and being just competent enough to think they can run it back with some slight tweaks… when the whole thing collapses in ’27 and they still miss out on a top quarterback, but with another year of Garrett Wilson’s and Breece Hall’s careers gone.

Anyway, what’s on tonight?

The Great American Pastime: Unfettered Capitalism Swallowing Up Everything You Love!
Fallen Husk of the Guy Who Finished 2nd in MVP Voting Last Year vs. Guy Who’s Been Hurt Since Maypril So We Haven’t Even Seen Him (SEA vs. NYY, 7:00, ESPN)

The One Team Without a Pride Night vs. Jesus Christ, Arte, You’re Fucking Useless (TEX vs. LAA, 10:00, ESPN)

Laughing at MLS (Leagues Cup)
Monterrey vs. Nashville SC (8:00, FS1)
San Diego FC vs. Puebla (10:00, FS1)

Lines from “Fuck KD” I’m Not Qualified to Say
TOR vs. DAL (8:00, USA)
CH* vs. GS (10:00, USA)

All right, tune in next week for whatever team I spin the wheel on next! (It’ll be the Browns or Raiders or something, won’t it.)