Musings and Queries – Kicking Off EPL 2026-27

Thank fuck, the methadone drip speeds up a bit this weekend!

First, the matches.  We get an early glimpse at just-how-fucked-are-newly-promoted-Hull, home to Men Untied (7:30, USA).  Maybe the festive environment keeps this one entertaining, at least for the first half.  But probably not.  Darkest Timeline, yada yada.

Three in the 10:00 window (USA for one, Peacock for the remainder), with Forest hosting Leeds as likely the most interesting to the neutral.  Two super high variance squadrons, no idea what to expect.  Somehow Already Disappointing Everton are home to decimated Palace, which will make it even MOAR gross when they pip us at the end (like they always do).  Ipswich also host regression-bound Sunderland, I suppose the potential exists for a mild upset.  But probably a limp draw.

Praise Beesus host the Spotlight Dance against massively-renovated Spurs (12:30, NBC).  Maybe this is wishful thinking, but Hippo ain’t seeing Spurs as completely out of the woods/Shemp contenders just yet.  Brentford reload yet again, and I see them as top half material.  (Kiss of Death)

“I see them as top half material.” How high are you? – litre

Big picture musings follow, and I’ve invited the other footy and footy-curioUs authors to join.

Will King’s Afrikan Water Pistols Absolutely Piss/Dogwalk the League?

KH – Look, I get it.  The Salford Hoodrats Shield is really just a glorified exhibition.  But Handsome Mikel and his merry men look locked in, and fully motivated.  There are no real chinks in the armor.  They have the best keeper in the world.  They can now attack in wave after wave (and don’t rely on a dominant striker – feature, not bug methinks).  Boss midfield.  Somebody will make them kinda sorta sweat, but fucked if I know who that might be.  Almost certainly not City of Men under Temu Pep.

Ballsy: Since Pep has left, the question really should be who will step up and win the league? I’ve heard rumblings that Man United might (gasp!) actually be good. Chelsea, for some reason, also lurk as a potential challenger. The third candidate is (Hippo spits on ground) Liverpool. I don’t like how Arsenal play, so I’m hoping one of those three can take the league.

litre – I do believe that they’ll win it again and it will be done far easier than last year. When a club ist shipping out the likes of Martenelli, and Nwaneri you know they are deep as fuck. My question is will Gabriel get as many cards that he deserves? He’s the biggest shithousery merchant in the land, well maybe, except Enzo who deserves to be flogged. I actually foresee Liverpool being the club that gives them the best run throughout the campaign. No Pep, no party, Citeh will be in a battle all season for a Champs Lge spot, it will be nice to see. (hopefully)

Horatio:  This is absolutely gonna bite me in the ass but yes, I think Arsenal, barring injury, is going lock the Premier up sometime in March, if not before.  They won last year and didn’t play particularly well.  The monkey’s off their back now, and as any heroin addict can tell you, once that happens you’ve got…I dunno, one less thing to worry about?  Less itching?  Clearly I’ve lost this metaphor.

Arsenal has the best keeper in the world in David Raya.  I think Man City takes a big step back without Pep, and I don’t see anyone else in the Premier ready to take their place.  Liverpool and Chelsea are there, but I think at least a year away from being serious threats.  I would be happier if Arsenal had a legit threat at striker, (I like Gyokeres, I do, but he ain’t making me forget Haaland, an unfair comparison if ever there was one), but Arsenal won the Premier without one last year, so there’s no reason they can’t do it again this year.  I expect big things from Lewis-Skelly this year, Tzolis looked great in the Shield game, (but it is, of course, the Shield game, so let’s not get carried away), and I love Eze and Rice.  I want to like Madueke but goddamn he can make that hard to do sometimes.

I don’t like Saka.  He’s a transcendent talent, to be sure, but too many times his strategy is to dribble into three guys, fall down, and hope for the whistle.

Litre is dead on about Gabriel:   great defender, but maybe butch it up a little, sister.

Litre also raises another great point:  Arsenal is, by all accounts, ready to move on from speed-demon and genuine-if-erratic offensive threat Martinelli, and apparently doesn’t have room for the promising Ethan Nwaneri, and if they’re willing to part with both of those guys, (full disclosure, I think I was more of a Martinelli fan than most Gunner faithful), you have to believe they think they’re stacked.

Finally, Mikel Arteta remains extremely handsome.

Who (that few are talking about) Goes Down (PHRASING) Or Makes It Way Too Close FOAR Comfort?

KH – It’s always somebody the punditry don’t see coming.  I look in the mirror, and see trouble ahead for Everton.  Davey Moyes should NOT have come back, given his reticence to rotate his squad or play younger players.  Now he’s holding his breath, trying to force club hierarchy into spunking precious funds on old glue horses.  Squaky.  Bum.  Time.

Ballsy: Everton were certainly flirting with relegation last year before pulling something out of their asses and getting back in the safe zone. Same story for Tottenham. As hilarious as that would have been, we touch ourselves too much. I don’t think any unexpected names will be in danger this year. It will probably be one or two of the newly-promoted teams plus one of the teams that sucked last year

litre – Hull City, Ipswich Town, and Palace are going down. Palace lost their cooch, and in recent years a shit tonne of quality players. Their time is nigh, but I would prefer if it were Newcastle so we could all laugh.

Every God damned year that Hippo and I have become futbol text friends, he says Everton will go down. Every year I tell him he is wrong and that they will be fine. Guess what? They have always survived.

Horatio:  Hull City is out.  Book it.  One of these years Hippo is gonna be right about Everton, but I don’t think it’s this year.  It’ll be close though.  I hate to pick a fight with a guy who once carried a drunk Brad Marchand out of a bar, (and who unforgivably didn’t throw his ass into the Charles River), but I think Fulham’s gonna cause some sleepless nights in April as well.  I think it comes down to the three newcomers, Hull City, Ipswich, and Coventry getting a brief glimpse of glory and then heading right back to the Championship.

As usual here are predictions that are always right:

Ballsy Note: I will be focusing my attention this year on the Championship as Wrexham tries to promote to the Premier League. Thus, no predictions. However, I will give my predictions for the only league that matters: La Liga.

Real Madrid will improve from last year’s performance but the problem is that Barcelona will also improve. I look forward to Mourinho pissing everyone off and eventually destroying Real from within.

One can only hope.

And now back to your regularly-scheduled predictions:

Arsenal

KH – 1st, consistent with as noted above.

litre – So the Champions added Guimaraes, and Tzolis to an already deep squad with the only notable name leaving is Trossard. I feel that Lego man will lift a trophy or two this season. (1st)

Horatio:  Arsenal win the league.  The flag obtained in Baltimore under nefarious circumstances once again flies over Mansfield.

Aston Villa

KH – I worry that I am wishcasting too much with these guys.  But they’ve replaced fading and/or “on the precipice of fading” veterans with hot-shit young talent.  I want to believe.  Plus, they replaced that Argie fuckweasel wth a BLACK Japanese guy in goal.  I don’t want to live in a world where that doesn’t work.  Surprisingly strong 2nd.

litre – I’ll admit that Unai Emery can indeed coach. Villa is just annoying and I never want them to have success. They sold Rogers to the tenants for 117 million pounds, Tielemans to United for 35 milly, that’s a lot of poundage coming in, plus selling Watkins and that sweet Europa league money they are flush. They bought something called Manzambi for 58 mill, I’ve never heard of the bloke but that seems steep for a dude from Freiburg. They’ve also added Joao Gomes from Wolves and noted cry baby Garnacho on loan from the tenants. They did look quite good in the Super cup game against PSG with a couple of the youngsters playing really well against the worlds best. They will be in the mix for a Champs League spot. (7th)

Horatio:  I like Emery and I don’t think he got a fair shake from Arsenal fans.  I’ve enjoyed watching his success at Aston Villa, but this year I think they take a step back.  I’ll agree with Litre and put them 7th.

Also fuck Martinez.

Bournemouth

KH – Losing Iraola will hurt, but not as much as Glasner/Palace (in my opinion).  Looks like they will hold onto Wharton, sufficient talent remains to be safe-if-unexceptional.  11th

litre – I don’t know how they do it year in and year out. Looking at their transfer season they have spent a good amount of money (50 mil) and brought in 3 latin/spanish guys to shore them up. They had a great season last year even with their best striker leaving and going to Citeh mid season. I don’t think that they can achieve such levels again. (15th)

Horatio:  Bournemouth somehow never seriously risks relegation, but also never seriously threatens so much as the Europa.  14th.

Brentford

Horatio:  They’re the Bees, right?  Fuck if I know anything about them.  Uh, 11th.

litre – A yes, the bus stop in Hounslow with their legoland stadium and plastic fans. They’re so delusional in that they think that they matter to fucking anyone. They do not. They’ll survive as the promoted teams will not be good this year and they have enough players with pedigree, but Fuck them. (14th)

KH – Scared straight of predicting Praise Beesus to plummet.  10th

Brighton and Hove and Albion and

Horatio:  I despise Brighton because years ago they employed some French guy who broke the Arsenal keeper’s leg, and I can hold a fucking grudge.  I’d love to relegate them but the people who know more than me seem to think they’ll be fairly successful.  Litre’s probably right about 10th being realistic, but out of spite I’m putting them 12th.

litre – Let me guess, they sold a bunch of guys for 200 million and reloaded with random guys their incredible scout team found in the backwoods of Moldova. Welp, looks like I was wrong. Yes they sold some guys but they also splashed some cash on Vuskovic (50 mil), Yohanna (21.5 mil), and Struik (18 mill), while selling Van Hecke, Rushworth, and Coppola to balance the books. They will remain a middling of the table side. (9th) After this prediction they have now signed Canadian Promise David on loan from St. Gilloise. Dude is huge and can score.

KH – Always such a pain the arse, these.  Always have contingency plans lined up, MUST BE NICE sez the Bitter Blue.  7th

Chelsea

Horatio:  My father roots for Chelsea because he was in London and went to a bar where the owner was very friendly and liked Chelsea.  Then he and my brother got drunk and my brother left the shirt he had bought for one of his girlfriend’s sons, (this happens to people in their 50’s, don’t make it weird), in a cab.  None of this has anything to do with how good Chelsea will or won’t be, but it does show I have a soft spot in my head and for this stupid team.  I’ll say they finished 3rd.  I’d move them to 2nd, but Cole Palmer has a stupid haircut.

litre – These fucking guys, they rank #2 on my hate list falling just behind Jerrah’s boys. They spent 250 mill pounds (Rogers, Lacroix, Pallestra and some other guy). Can someone explain the financial rulez of the Prem to me? I see teams getting nailed for financial improprieties (Citeh not included) yet these guys spend more money than the Saudis and no harm no foul. They also seem to have a partnership with Strasbourg which in effect is just laundering money.

The funniest thing to me is that they used to be so young and flashy, with the usual red card, but they have brought in Danny Welbeck and Jordan Henderson who are old as hell. Do you know what they should do with all their money? Fucking move to their ow god damn neighboUrhood. One of my good friends is a Cowboys AND a tenant supporter, I do not know how we are friends. 4th

KH – Fuck these with the 2nd-rustiest dildo in Merry Olde Inglen.  6th

Coventry City

Horatio:  I have them being relegated but not being as bad as Hull City.  Uh, 18th.

litre – Soft spot alert. I have a friend who I met in Hvar, Croatia in 2008 and we have remained friends. He is a Cov season ticket holder and sends deci and I Cov gear. I want them to do well just for him. Seems that they have splashed 100 million on some guys, I know none of them. Lampard is a tight pantsed ass but I hope these guys survive. 17th

KH – I really want Frank Lampard’s feel-good story to continue.  But I also want society to pull back from the abyss, and look how that shit is going.  18th

Crystal Palace

Horatio:  17th, and they make their fans sweat until the end.

Honestly I’d probably bounce them but I’ve always liked their red-and-blue checkerboard kits.

litre – Bye bye. They have had a good run but have been utterly dismantled, all their fire power gone, their cooch gone, and this all adds up to a relegation battle. They have not spent a single cent this offseason. This does not bode well. From Europe last year to this. 18th

KH – Do the wheels fall completely the fuck off this season?  Hippo think so.  19th

Everton

Horatio:  16th.  Safe from relegation by mid-spring, but only because the three new teams and Crystal Palace have bollocksed everything up for themselves.

litre – Every year is the same. Hippo panics, I talk him out of it, Everton stays up. Lather, rinse, repeat. I would say that I do lurk on the Everton reddit feed to see how the rest of Hippo’s ilk handle things, I will say they do not handle things well. There is a lot of pressure on old man Moyes and some on these boards say the game has passed him by. They definitely have added some serviceable Prem players which will carry them through the term safely.They will give Hippo a worry until about Xmas and then they will be fine. 10th

KH – Is this the season that finally kills Hippo ded?  Like I would EVAR be so fookin’ lucky.  17th

Fulham

Horatio:  15th.  I think Fulham and Everton are going to have very similar seasons, and that’s not a compliment.

litre – Hi there no bias here whatsover. We lost Raul back to Wolfy, at 34 years old he was getting on and wanted to play his days out there. We lost Harry Wilson to Leeds because they paid him waaaay too much for a guy that had 4 good months and then went into the witness protection program. We then lost our manager to Benfica, which was understandable as he is Portuguese and they are in the Champions League. We hired Arbeloa who most reently was the leader of the Real Madrid Academy squad and stepped in to coach the Madridistas when there was a vacancy. He then brought 2 20 year olds with him who look damn fucking good they are not slight lads and love physical contact, I am so pumped. We do need to replace Andersen as he has lost a step, and King Kenny is rumoUred to be on the move.

I don’t know what happened to Tony Khaaaaaaannn but he may be paying attention right now. It will be difficult to rp=replace the two departing players production but from what I have seen we will be aggressive, press and be a lot of fun to watch. We will finish just outside of Europe as is custom. 8th

KH – Everton’s vice-presidential running mate under the Banner of Despair.  16th

Hull City

Horatio:  20th with a bullet.

For the record I would like to be very wrong here.  I like Hull City and their tiger kits.  I want them to stay up.  But I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

litre – These guys may get twenty points. Maybe. 20th

KH – These are just shite.  Sorry, I got nuthin.  20th

Ipswich Town

Horatio:  I have one relegation spot open and it’s #19, so Ipswich Town will finish 19th.

When the microbrews started coming out there was a beer called Ipswich that you could get growlers from.  The beer was OK, but if you drank the whole growler you’d get fucked up pretty cheap.  Anyway, that brewery folded and I suspect Ipswich Town will do the same in the Premier.

litre – Not this year. I think that they will not finish last and not challenge for the lowest output. Their coach who got them here, up and quit in the spring once the season was done. They basically changed their whole team, their transfer list is absolutely astounding, so they are going for it. However, they’re going back down with some tidy TV money. Enjoy. 19th

KH – Fuck it, somebody has to be the surpirse package.  PHRASING.  15th

Leeds United

Horatio:  I actually did a little, (/insistent tugging on pants), OK, very little, research on Leeds and learned that they finished 14th last season and spent over $70 million to make sure they did at least that well this year.

8th place because fuck Newcastle.

litre – These guys waaayy overpaid the wages for Harry Wilson. He was lightning for Mighty Whitey for about 3 months, then disappeared. Leeds supporters always say that they are one of the big clubs in England, I am 50 and not in my lifetime. They brought in 3 players and spent about 80 mill, so I would say this “huge club” is content being middle of the pack getting that sweet tv money. 13th

KH – Give them the bad luck number, because I don’t like them but totally think they’ll be safe.  13th

Liverpool

Horatio:  They got rid of Slot, which was apparently the biggest issue holding them back last season.  They also lost Mohammad Saleh, which I can’t imagine is actually a positive even if he isn’t as incredible as he once was.  Virgil Van Dijk is still there, another year older but likely still able to run people over like a Mack truck through a puppy farm, followed by bitching at the ref for daring to suggest he did anything even remotely wrong.  Not sure how that helps, though.

They finished a dispiriting 5th last year.  I’ll put them at 5th again this year, but a more optimistic 5th if for no other reason that they’ll successfully incorporate some younger plays in, and that Arne Slot is currently unemployed.

litre – Oh lord they reloaded and they look fucking good. Lord help me with my friends and my son (no DNA test as of yet). Brother Mohammed left but they still have the Hungarian guy whose name I can’t spell and Isak has to do something this year no? They are rumoUred to be getting Bradley Barcola from PSG. I like to dabble in my Ligue UN and this guy is electric and is built to play the physical game in England. Teh Hippo is in for a looong year. 2nd

KH – Fuck these with the very-rustiest dildo in Merry Olde Inglen.  4th

Manchester City

Horatio:  FC 115 will finish 2nd because, despite likely taking a step back and very likely to have committed financial fraud on a scale not seen since, well, probably yesterday in the White House, they still employ that Viking terrorist up front and Doku on the wing, and that combination is gonna get you points no matter what.

litre – Cheaters going to get away with it when they have money. This isn’t Pep’s team and I think it will show. Enzo Maresca has big shoes to fill and with Arsenal humming, Liverpool reloaded, and the stupid tenants in West London, Citeh could be in for a bumpy ride (for them). Haaland isn’t human but a lab created cyborg and he will have to be otherworldly, and at the end of the season he and Semenyo were cooking so I wouldn’t think that their tumble will be too far. 3rd

KH – I’d guess lower, but so long as they have HULK SMASH, they can only get so crisis-mode.  3rd

Manchester Untied

Horatio:  I’m going to out them 4th, for no other reason than I haven’t put anyone else 4th yet, and none of the remaining 4 teams seem likely to finish that high.

litre – I preferred when these bastards were struggling. Their supporters are easily the most annoying of all. Why yes they have been unreal in the past, IN THE PAST. Fergie was an abusive cunt and an all around bell end but he won so he got a pass from the faithful. They really haven’t done much in the transfer window, grabbed a guy from Villa, and a guy from the tenants, no wonder their supporters have been questioning the club being bought by INEOS and  Sir Jim Ratcliffe.

Now that I did a bit of reading I would rate them lower than what I did. Anywhoo Rashford is back and I bet he is going to give a large fuck you to the doubters. I can’t understand why a young millionaire would have preferred staying in Barcelona than Manchester. 5th 

Also fuck Bruno, he is as bad as Gabriel for Arsenal, and Enzo the prick.

KH – Father Time comes for everyone, and this year he comes for that weaselly fuck Bruno.  But they’ll just scrape back into the Shemp.  5th

Newcastle Untied

Horatio:  I’ll suck a cock on the Golden Gate Bridge, (tips hat to Patton Oswalt) before I say anything nice about Team Bonesaw.  What’s the lowest number I have left?  8th?  No, fuck that.  I’m swapping Geordie Arabia with Leeds.  They’ll finish 13th.

litre – They have sold everyone (Tonali, Gordon, Guimares) , at a profit mind you, and Eddie Howe is gone. Fuck em. 12th

KH – Fucking toothless Geordie twats deserve lower than this, but ordinal numbers impose their limits on my hopes and dreams.  14th

Nottingham Forest

Horatio:  A surprisingly good team over the last few years with an awful owner who doesn’t deserve good things.  Also they should wear green, not red.  The only number I have left is 10, so by that scientific method Nottingham Forest will finish 10th.

It’s just math.

litre –  Their owner also owns Olimpiakos in Greece, and I have stated before that he is an absolute lunatic. He is throwing ridiculous amounts of money at this club.

Getting Ollie Glasner as a new manager from Palace was a good move. That being said the owner has no patience so I don’t think he will last as long there as he would have at Palace. Money talks and since these guys are recyclable he won’t be out of a job long. They did sell Eliot Andersen for a tidy fee to Citeh but they only brought in Diomande so I don’t know what their direction is. 16th

KH – I think Oli Glasner can make this work – for ONE SEASON.  Next summer, the fat fuck meddling owner will do what he do, and it all will go tits up.  But FOAR now?….8th

Sunderland

Horatio:  I like Sunderland, mostly because of the ‘Sunderland ‘Til I Die’ documentary on Netflix, so I’m inclined to look favoUrably on them.  They finished 7th last season, somewhat surprisingly, and I’ll be optimistic and say they not only maintain that position, but jump up one to 6th place and make the Europa competition, which is almost but not quite as prestigious as winning the Little League World Series.  Come on, you Black Cats!!

litre –They’ll get wrecked by playing extra games should they progress in any competition. Their squad is thin and any injury will fuck them harder than a Bonnie Blue session. It appears that they have yet to strengthen their squad. That being said as the Arsehole above me mentioned, I have a soft spot for them due to the Covid must watch doco series on them. I much prefer this lot to the Barcodes so I do root for them. 8th This is really wrong they will be much lower.

KH – They’ve not really done any transfer business, and would be deeper into Brown Town if the bottom half weren’t so weak.  12th

Tottenham.

Horatio:  Supposedly vastly improved, which is a low bar considering how much they sucked last season.  Something I enjoyed immensely.  Let’s go ahead and agree with that and move them up to 9th.

litre –  Sadly these pricks are back. Harry Kane has to be wondering where the hell was all the money when he carried them. They spent the square root of fuck all when arguably the best striker England has ever produced played there. Plus he played with Son the greatest ever Korean player. (Kim jong Un excluded) Christ on a cracker, they have spent 300 milly so I fear that them in relegation battles is a thing of the past. Tonali is a baller, van Hecke, Fernandes, and Robertson are reaal good additions, and as of time of writing they were about to overpay for a Citeh reject. Sadly, they’re back. 6th

KH – I like the manager, hate the squad.  9th