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A Very Carpenter Opening Day Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower

/

So we were just chatting in the back rooms

(It looks just like that, but with more crumbs and beer stains)

celebrating that in, (checks wrist), 13 MINUTES!?!?!?!?!?!? the 2026 football season will be upon us for reals, and we can all check out of the depressing reality that is day-t0-day life, and check in to various mild gambling addictions, fantasy sports, and dick jokes while watching football while ignoring our jobs, our families, and our basic hygiene requirements.

I know I’m excited for it!

Tonight the, (checks internet), New England Fahckin’ Pats play the reigning, defending, Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks, in Seattle.  Will Seattle repeat their Super Bowl beatdown of the Patriots?  Will the Patriots recover some shred of dignity and not just roll over and show their belly?  Will Mrs. Vrabel one-shot Diana Russini right out the press box!

TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!

EIGHT MINUTES PEOPLE!!!  EIGHT MINUTES!!!!

EMBRACE THE CHAOS!!  LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

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368 Comments
jjfozz

I have been drinking beer since i was 3, would open beer for my grandfather, take a sip to make sure it was ‘not poisoned.’

Beer has been my go to for my whole life. I have drank it, abused it, and drank it when I shouldn’t. I have passed out with it, have it spilled on me, shotgunned it, and regretted drinking it.

But I continue to love it, no matter how much it hurts me.

Oh beer, never leave me. I won’t hold all the dumb shit I do when I drink you.

Beer, it has helped me become an idiot. Well, make me more than an idiot than I already am.

Beer. You are my buddy.

3
WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWV8J4hO4z8

0
Gumbygirl

https://youtu.be/l7TWLxCIgwE?is=yD_2t5HRdN4F_umr

0
2Pack

I just missed a torrential down pour this morning. 10 minutes after getting back home it cut loose. It’s OK though, first rain in over two weeks so no lawn and garden watering for the kid this morning.

2
fleshwound_NPG

the pats running game is basically “maye, do a rose bowl vince young thing.”

2.5/carry without maye’s bailout scrambles

3
jjfozz

I am:

Unemployed and watching my wife carrying the load

Lighting candles to St Jude (patron saint of lost causes) relax, it’s a Catholic thing

Applying to jobs all day, every day

Trying not to go insane and go on a kill spree

Worrying about what my sons must think of me

Kinda lost, but at the same time digging it

Happy I have you idiots

6
Gumbygirl

And we have you Fozzie!

3
WCS

Allegheny County Emergency Services is hiring, if you’d be interested…

1
2Pack

Keep networking and applying Buddy. You will get something soon, dig in and drive on.

And don’t fool yourself, your family thinks the world of you. You are no quitter and they admire that.

4
Sharkbait

Happy to have you. You got this.

1
Don T

-Coach Vrabel, you had a perfect chance for a field goal but strayed off by calling a pass to stick it to Seattle in a fit of testosterone.

-Is there a… Question?

-How’s AJ Brown?

3
BugEyedBoo

TIL that the other fantasy team I’m in doesn’t have playoffs. Every week the last place team is eliminated and their players are put up for auction. I’m intrigued!

3
Don T

Tell me more about this Khmer Rouge league

3
Brocky

I’m in one of those on sleeper, called a guillotine league

Its intriguing for someone like me, who always scores a shit ton of points but always loses the head to head matchups

2
BugEyedBoo

The call it a death league now.

It’s Dungeon Crawler Carl themed, so death league fits. I’m Goblin Copper Chopper MC.

Eighteen teams is pretty tough. You’re drafting the cream of the crap in the last few rounds.

0
Doktor Zymm

Ooh I’ve heard about these leagues! Interested to hear how it plays out, report back please

2
fleshwound_NPG

feel like dianna russini could’ve raised the standard higher than “nfl coach that cannot beat drew lock”

4
Doktor Zymm

You can understand why she was embarrassed to report the relationship to her editor tho

5
Brocky

comment image

5
Horatio Cornblower

Time to tune into NESN and kick back for a few minutes of schadenfreude.

2
Doktor Zymm

The original NES has its own network? When does the Duck Hunt Dog’s show come on?

1
Gumbygirl

.

1000011522
0
fleshwound_NPG

if i had a nickel every time i saw pats/chox end with a dumb throw and a pick at the goal line

5
Doktor Zymm

You could almost buy a gumball!

3
Gumbygirl

In this economy? Maybe a Chiclet.

2
fleshwound_NPG

used.

2
WCS

Does that count as “revenge”? Over a decade later, and not exactly the same stakes..

0
Doktor Zymm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo9t5XK0FhA

Nope, Maye be definitely wrong

1
Downfield Matriculator

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH — OMG, Maye outderped the Seattle defensive derps. Chef’s kiss, no notes.

5
Gumbygirl

You fucking idiot. And I mean me, for drafting him.

4
King Hippo

Lookit that footwork WOO

1
Horatio Cornblower

That is, bar none, the worst decision I’ve seen a QB make this season.

4
Horatio Cornblower

Mike Vrabel thinks that was a bad decision, and Mike Vrabel knows bad decisions!

3
Downfield Matriculator

Trying again:

https://youtu.be/mGfBEnBw01A?si=2pI2SyZUymy948Oo

Last edited 7 hours ago by Downfield Matriculator
1
Downfield Matriculator

For the preseason, I’d go with letting Grabby McGrabberson a press conference in Cleveland.

1
Mr. Ayo

LOL Drake

2
Redshirt

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

2
fleshwound_NPG

MAYOCEPTION 3

3
Sharkbait

What the Cinnamon toast fuck

5
Horatio Cornblower

If I were the Seahawks I’d take a shot at covering Hollins.

Couldn’t hurt.

1
Horatio Cornblower

See what happens when you listen to me?

1
ThePirateSloth

Your mom can check the chains!

3
Doktor Zymm

NFL Chapter 1:
In which we discover that Bo Nix’s ankle is more valuable than Darnold’s hip

4
LemonJello

I CALL UPON THE GODDESS SHAN’KHLOR TO MAKE HER PRESENCE KNOWN TONIGHT

6
Gumbygirl

I just remembered I have wine!

2
Doktor Zymm

You should drink it!

1
Gumbygirl

I am!

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’m starting to think the Patriots success last season was very much a fluke, and related to a near-last place schedule.

4
fleshwound_NPG

if they lose just ONE of their gimmies against the jest and phins, they miss the playoffs

0
Horatio Cornblower

It’s about time Mike Vrabel took a risk.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“…it oozed out of him, and it was infectious…”

– lady on ESPN, eulogizing Barry Melrose

5
Horatio Cornblower

Ma’am, this is an Arby’s.

5
Sharkbait

He’d need a fishing net as a hairnet to work at an Arbys

3
Gumbygirl

He was a sexi bitch!

0
fleshwound_NPG

feel like seattle purposely derped there to give maye false hope and throw again

0
Sharkbait

How is McDaniels gonna fuck up this drive?

0
Brick Meathook

..

IMG_0031
1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Christ, what an asshole.

2
Jimbo

Christ, what an asshole.

–-Pontius Pilate

1
Gatoraids

Christ, what an asshole.

–M Vrabel

3
Bogdanski

My brain any time I see a New Yorker cartoon… and so many other times since then

0
Mr. Ayo

HOX!!!

0
Redshirt

I’m starting to think Maye isn’t that good…

2
Gatoraids

Heye Heye, Maye Maye hope the Patriots always die

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