[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"2 DBs, 1 Kupp" – LemonJello

Log In

A Very Carpenter Opening Day Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower

/

So we were just chatting in the back rooms

(It looks just like that, but with more crumbs and beer stains)

celebrating that in, (checks wrist), 13 MINUTES!?!?!?!?!?!? the 2026 football season will be upon us for reals, and we can all check out of the depressing reality that is day-t0-day life, and check in to various mild gambling addictions, fantasy sports, and dick jokes while watching football while ignoring our jobs, our families, and our basic hygiene requirements.

I know I’m excited for it!

Tonight the, (checks internet), New England Fahckin’ Pats play the reigning, defending, Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks, in Seattle.  Will Seattle repeat their Super Bowl beatdown of the Patriots?  Will the Patriots recover some shred of dignity and not just roll over and show their belly?  Will Mrs. Vrabel one-shot Diana Russini right out the press box!

TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!

EIGHT MINUTES PEOPLE!!!  EIGHT MINUTES!!!!

EMBRACE THE CHAOS!!  LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

4.5 8 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
368 Comments
2Pack

I gotta go run. You guys let me know how this one ends.

3
Horatio Cornblower

I turn off the TV and go to bed.

4
Horatio Cornblower

THIS GUY ROMEO DOBBS I CALL HIM MIKE VRABEL AT A ROMANTIC SPA WITH A WOMAN NOT HIS WIFE, BECAUSE THAT IS SIMPLY A MISTAKE YOU CANNOT MAKE!!!

6
Sharkbait

Damnit Romeo you fucking reject spaceball minion

6
fleshwound_NPG

MAYOCEPTION 2: ELECTRIC CHOLESTEROLALO

4
Gumbygirl

Why the fuck did I draft him?

1
WCS

For PRECISELY this moment, and you know it.

1
ThePirateSloth

comment image

10
litre_cola

We love the Drake!

3
Bogdanski

comment image

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Feeling very classy eating black beans and drinking an ice cold Coors Light out of a Hold Steady koozie.

3
Redshirt

SHUT UP, CRIS’S CLOSED CAPTIONS!

2
Unsurprised

You gotta learn Spanish, Dude.

0
fleshwound_NPG

a lot on the line here that you do not see:

if the pats can move the ball and get a score here, josh mcdaniels will get another nfl head coaching job again next year

if he doesnt, it’ll be the browns

3
Doktor Zymm

dare I mention the possibility of bonus footsball?

0
2Pack

Very possible

0
Redshirt

Now we cans have game!

2
fleshwound_NPG

dance a jig

0
Sharkbait

comment image

4
King Hippo

SUDDENEST CHANGE

1
Don T

GAME 🎉 🎈

1
Horatio Cornblower

Apparently any imagination the Seahawks had on offense was directly related to Darnold’s paste consume…

And there goes Smith-Njingba.

Well, never mind.

3
Sharkbait

God damnit

0
Doktor Zymm

That was neat!

0
Redshirt

Killshot backfired.

0
fleshwound_NPG

MAYOCEPTION

2
WCS

Barry Melrose died.

1
Mr. Ayo

RIP Mullet Master

2
Gumbygirl

He was my handsome boyfriend. I haz a sad.

3
fleshwound_NPG

josh mcdaniels and his 10-13 point offense is going to beat you, seattle

0
Sharkbait

Holy shit Cris. We get it. The O line was trash in the Super Bowl. Shut the fuck up

1
Don T

Serious question: between Skattebo’s dog food and Arby’s steak nuggets—which?

0
fleshwound_NPG

no meat is edible anymore

5
litre_cola

But it is 25% off!

3
Sharkbait

Local farm share FTW!

0
Doktor Zymm

Can I deep fry the dog food?

3
WCS

“You can deep fry a garden hose and it would be good.”

— Jim Gaffigan

(he’s right you know)

2
WCS

They’re both the same wombat meat with fillers, so it’s not like there’s any difference.

1
King Hippo

“At least they ruined the clean sheet” – Najeh D.

10
Doktor Zymm

NOOOOOOOP

0
Redshirt

We cans have game? No, we can’t.

3
herodotus450

Yaaaaaawn. Wake me up when the AFC South announces a meeting to announce a lawsuit to announce a vote to kick the Jaguars out of the division

4
LemonJello

comment image

Qards, Jest and Browns need to go first.

Last edited 8 hours ago by LemonJello
1
litre_cola

Cooper Kupp didn’t retire eh?

2
King Hippo

Maybe he did but Trent Green forgot

6
LemonJello

2 DBs, 1 Kupp

11
King Hippo

Just kick the FG now, assdicks

2
Gumbygirl

And the assdicks kicked.

2
King Hippo

As it was foretold, as it shall be written

2
ThePirateSloth

Here I am!

1000003045
11
King Hippo

We’uns all waved hey

4
WCS

Prick didn’t even bother to acknowledge us smgh

6
King Hippo

#Uppityamirite

3
ThePirateSloth

Same energy

1000003049
3
Gumbygirl

.

1000011521
6
Sharkbait

Stop. Running. Up. The. Middle.

0
LemonJello

Odds Skattebo has tried the dog food he’s shilling?

10
WCS

There’s a reason he’s shilling it. Goes down great with a hearty serving of CTE, bro!

1
Gumbygirl

In a bowl on the floor.

6
Don T

“You’re the only one who understsnds me” /pets pup, is licked in face all over with 2nd hand dog food

4
fleshwound_NPG

fyi the mets and marlins are both outscoring ne/sea right now

0
Unsurprised

Evergreen reminder that you can watch in Spanish.

1
Don T

1st down on a D penalty, drive stalls, punt at the 5. Pray for a safety. Purists cum.

0
jjfozz

Backrooms freaks me the fuck out, and I love it more than bourbaon.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxMAY0dJWkA

1
King Hippo

Oh go for it ye gashes

0
Doktor Zymm

Taking an extra laptop to Greenland so I can stream Red Zone, mmmm addiction

4
Gumbygirl

Oof, GTD, there goes your wr. And he’s also my qb’s wr. Our fantasy game is off to a craptacular start, we’ll each be lucky to get to 60 points at this rate.

Last edited 8 hours ago by Gumbygirl
3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’m hoping for double digits at this point, like total for the week

2
Spur

We waited half a year to watch Drew Lock play football. Something is wrong with us.

5
Sharkbait

Not liking McDaniel’s decision making here

0
fleshwound_NPG

double digit insurmountable

0
WCS

Okay, Yinzer reporting for duty again.

2
LemonJello

Wouldn’t it be humorous if instead of the challenge flag, Vrabel tossed a pair of Russini’s ‘dainty underthings’ onto the field?

4
fleshwound_NPG

that would insinuate that she wore them in the first place

4
Don T

Ah yes, the Vrabel review threat. Weak thatRe

0
Horatio Cornblower

If, early in his career, you would have told me that Billy Bob Thornton would be shilling for cell phone companies in this year of our Lord 2026 I would have called you a rotten doody-head liar, but here we are.

3
jjfozz

Follow the money

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you have Angelina Jolie (at her peak) and then lose Angelina Jolie (still pretty much at her peak), there’s pretty much nowhere to go but down.

2
Don T

Maybe the magic wears off after the 7th adopted child.

5
Horatio Cornblower

Yeah at some point that goes from “you are a very generous person who is making a difference to the world and a vast difference to an individual” to “you have a hole in your life that you are trying to fill with children not your own, and I need to get out of here before The Lifetime documentary crew shows up”

2
Horatio Cornblower

Maybe he should have gone down more often, and then she would have stuck around.

3
Gumbygirl

He looks like Bad Santa for real now.

2
King Hippo

Now HE don’t shit right for a week smgdh

3
Fronkenshteen

Every single second of NFL content beyond actual game action is completely unwatchable, and listening to even that raises the blood pressure. Did anyone read or hear anything positive about Cris Colinsworth’s performance or style after last season? I didn’t. But I heard exhaustion and irritation regarding his persistent horseshit from all directions. Yet here he is week 1 in midseason form, absolutely smothering the viewer with his unnecessary gushing and fawning, refusing to let the viewer relax. All I want is a button to turn it all off; just cut the booth and leave the sounds of the stadium. I genuinely do not understand, with the technology that now exists, why someone can’t make that happen.

5
jjfozz

THIS GUY COLLINSWORTH, ICALL HIM PETER NORTH BECAUSE HE COMES LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

3
Horatio Cornblower

I’ve been working this entire time and have him blocked out entirely. It’s been great.

0
Sharkbait

Well fuckity doo

0
1 2 3 4
368
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x