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A Very Carpenter Opening Day Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower

/

So we were just chatting in the back rooms

(It looks just like that, but with more crumbs and beer stains)

celebrating that in, (checks wrist), 13 MINUTES!?!?!?!?!?!? the 2026 football season will be upon us for reals, and we can all check out of the depressing reality that is day-t0-day life, and check in to various mild gambling addictions, fantasy sports, and dick jokes while watching football while ignoring our jobs, our families, and our basic hygiene requirements.

I know I’m excited for it!

Tonight the, (checks internet), New England Fahckin’ Pats play the reigning, defending, Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks, in Seattle.  Will Seattle repeat their Super Bowl beatdown of the Patriots?  Will the Patriots recover some shred of dignity and not just roll over and show their belly?  Will Mrs. Vrabel one-shot Diana Russini right out the press box!

TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!

EIGHT MINUTES PEOPLE!!!  EIGHT MINUTES!!!!

EMBRACE THE CHAOS!!  LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

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368 Comments
Horatio Cornblower

Ooh, here’s a new rule for the last mock draft of the season: Anyone wearing one of those goofy-ass padded helmets cannot get the benefit of an unnecessary roughness penalty.

4
Doktor Zymm

yeah, how dare they try to protect their brains from CTE!

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Horatio Cornblower

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS, ZYMM!!!

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scotchnaut

I thought my duties started tomorrow. I feel shame.

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Doktor Zymm

It’s the US government’s fault, apparently there’s some broadcast rule that they can’t air a Friday game in the same week as LaboUr Day

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Unsurprised

I know there is football on. I don’t care.

The good news is Xcancel and other instances are back. The bad news is Xcancel and other instances are back. To wit, RaidLOLs

https://xcancel.com/KevinHarlanEfct/status/2097782758923788736#m

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scotchnaut

edited: I’m cranky

Last edited 9 hours ago by scotchnaut
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fleshwound_NPG

lets make tablets worse:

AI TABLETS!

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litre_cola

Sponsored by Draft Kings

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Doktor Zymm

At least now we’ll have an answer for “Why the fuck did they call such a dumbass play?!”

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Sharkbait

Gotta shoehorn in the fucking AI

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If anyone figures out how to embed gifs from the updated frinkiac, please share!

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Don T

heresy, in canonical dress

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ThePirateSloth

AWWW DREW LOCK

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Brick Meathook

.

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Gatoraids

Stone Cold Drew Lock of the Week

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King Hippo

Plus GIRTH!

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fleshwound_NPG

“a four-game suspension, by nfl rules thats two girlfriend beating sessions worth of football.”

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In other girlfriend-beating news, Alexander Zverev’s match is currently underway.

2
SonOfSpam

Tonight, a very special injury

2
Sharkbait

Ugh I did NOT miss Cris Collinsworth

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Horatio Cornblower

Not The Unabomber, unfortunately

3
King Hippo

Fun story behind the moniker – they call him “Horse Cock Lock” because he has a comically large penis. REPORT IT KAYLEE

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Col. Duke LaCross

Gentlemen. And Ladies.

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ArmedandHammered

This Wolverine game looks horrible.

1
Redshirt

Just give them a second.

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LemonJello

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Horatio Cornblower

I do like that Michigan fell out of the Top 25 after that game.

Cheating fucks.

4
Redshirt

Uh oh…

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LemonJello

Someone needs to remind the refs that isn’t Tawmmy Brady at QB anymore. Stop giving the P*ts the Russini treatment.

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fleshwound_NPG

BIG COCK LOCK TIME

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King Hippo

HORSE COCK LOCK THYME!!!!

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Mr. Ayo

God dammit.

0
WCS

Darnod going to the tent for apparent mono diagnosis?

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Moar like unnecessary touching.

What bullshit.

Last edited 10 hours ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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Doktor Zymm

UNNECCESSARY BUTT TOUCH THE MOST PERSONAL OF FOULS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

#58 is a fucking idiot. If you’re going to put both hands on a guy when he’s out of bounds at least get your 15 yards’ worth.

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Don T

Breathing on Glory Boy, defense, 15 yards—FOAR SHAEM

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Super soft call, but the defender’s gotta know better. He put both hands on the QB’s back. Of course they’re gonna pay tribut to BEERGH for that.

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litre_cola

Oh, we are over here. I thought that the server overlords had taken you all from me.

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Spur

Am running the full chat through AI and try to end my suspicion am chatting with bots

1
Doktor Zymm

I wonder what the points of emphasis for enforcement are gonna be this year? Not too many rule changes

1
ArmedandHammered

The point of emphasis will be to enforce only those rules and the timing of enforcement that could negatively effect the betting line.

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Horatio Cornblower

So status quo?

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LemonJello

Fuck it, I’ve been remiss in not saying this sooner.

“SHUT UP COLLINSWORTH!!!!!”

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

This should be our in season banner

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Horatio Cornblower

What’s the O/U on when the hamster falls off the wheel in the sever room? 11:23 of the second quarter sound good?

2
Spur

6pm PST
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Horatio Cornblower

That little guy’s working harder than I am!

0
Spur

is that tiny armed lineman still starting for the Pats.

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Horatio Cornblower

He is.

1
jjfozz

Let’s use ICE to stand outside of every Starbucks and tase every fucking jackass who gets a pumpkin spice flavored cup of shit

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fleshwound_NPG

the only PSL that matters

RomanianPSLRifle-770
1
Spur

Christin Gonzalez taking jobs from more deserving American players!

2
Redshirt

Uh oh, Darnard has a hitch in his get along.

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Horatio Cornblower

“This game reminds me of the Super Bowl!”

No shit, Cris; the NFL had the same teams start off this season on purpose.

Last edited 10 hours ago by Horatio Cornblower
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jjfozz

Happy back to football night you glorious basterds!

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WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

And BLEERGH is present and accounted for!

All hail BLEERGH!

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WCS

Yinzer, reporting for duty.

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Horatio Cornblower

“THROW SOME WATER ON THE BABY AND THE FIRE WILL GO OUT!! IT’S OPENING NIGHT I’M NOT GONNA HOLD YOUR HAND!!!”

Allegheny 911, about to experience technical difficulties.

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Spur

Those Ball State vs Umass uniforms look off. MACtion just feels different.

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Senor Weaselo

That’s 1-0 UMass to you!

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Spur

I know, am scared too!

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The Maestro

GOOD EVENING LADIES AND DEGENS

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK

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Senor Weaselo

DO YOU HAVE YOAH PATS MOUTHPIECE?

You know, a place to put your dip.

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SonOfSpam

Ok let’s go rookie RB Jardiance Price!

1
SonOfSpam

(he’s starting in the Hippo Lawyer Math League, and I’m up against a certain Caribbean islander)

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litre_cola

Eddie Grant?

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SonOfSpam

OH NO

2
Jimbo

Billy Ocean?

1
SonOfSpam

Get outta my dreams

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Don T

Móntate aquí*
* pointing to my Hyundai

3
Don T

Imma mut the TV and put on blues playlists. Because I eant AJ Brown to have a HoF career bit, you know…

1
fleshwound_NPG

look, the MAC has been shit on quite a bit this week after the michigan screwjob

but nfl football on a wednesday? that’s gimmick infringement

3
Spur

How was everyone’s Summer? So the neighborhood samoan/tongan rivalry has entered its Romero & Juliet phase. The last of youngest kids have paired off, Samoan son and Tongan daughter. The BBQs have ceased since each family doesn’t want to invite the other kid over. We’re all poorer for this overreaction.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Summer was hot. It was 109° here today, which surprisingly was not a record.

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Don T

Oh yeah. It can get contentioUs
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Horatio Cornblower

On the plus side you’ll probably get to learn how to carve a war canoe.

1
Redshirt

I survived the offseason. Also, drivers that cut off or interfere with a funeral procession should be drawn and quartered.

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ArmedandHammered

Well, a hole has already been dug, grave can hold two as well as one.

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Don T

I’m so in for Vrabel fielding infidelity questions at press conferences and dicking flying plates at home. Hey, Imma romantic k?

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ArmedandHammered

Her tell all book is supposed to be coming out soon. Gonna be a fun news cycle when that hits.

1
litre_cola

Is she still with her hubby?

0
Doktor Zymm

Guh, hopefully there will be some sort of horrible tragedy that’ll preempt all coverage of such a book

1
Brocky

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ArmedandHammered

You Sir are no Jimi Hendrix.

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SonOfSpam

I ain’t complaining, that was cool.

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ArmedandHammered

Look, becoming an even grumpier old man is not an easy transition, it takes practice.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey, at least it wasn’t St. Vincent.

2
Spur

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ArmedandHammered

The downside of football season, Collinsworth is in full mealy mouthed bullshit form. Mushmouth idiotic fuckstain.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In Los Angeles, Telemundo is on Channel 52 and has the game. For some reason Peacock doesn’t have Spanish as a language option, though they usually do.

4
ArmedandHammered

I would probably understand that commentarty more than anything Collinsworth would ever utter.

0
Horatio Cornblower

The great thing about the Yankees-Rockies game is that Collinsworth isn’t on it.

3
Senor Weaselo

And you can see what actual hitting shortstops look like for yourself, Anthony Volpe! Now go play 2nd and try not to suck.

1
Redshirt

Time to see how long I can go without accidently hearing Collinsworth.

1
jjfozz

Unfortunately, Colinsworth is still alive. Motherfucker flies all over the country and we can’t get his plane to crash into a volcano.

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ArmedandHammered

The terroorist would never hurt their most well hidden asset which slowly destroys and erodes American’s will to live with his vile presence on our airwaves.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…

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Doktor Zymm

If he gets anywhere near my volcano the anti-air defenses will take him out long before he crashes into my living room

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