[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"2 DBs, 1 Kupp" – LemonJello

Log In

A Very Carpenter Opening Day Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower

/

So we were just chatting in the back rooms

(It looks just like that, but with more crumbs and beer stains)

celebrating that in, (checks wrist), 13 MINUTES!?!?!?!?!?!? the 2026 football season will be upon us for reals, and we can all check out of the depressing reality that is day-t0-day life, and check in to various mild gambling addictions, fantasy sports, and dick jokes while watching football while ignoring our jobs, our families, and our basic hygiene requirements.

I know I’m excited for it!

Tonight the, (checks internet), New England Fahckin’ Pats play the reigning, defending, Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks, in Seattle.  Will Seattle repeat their Super Bowl beatdown of the Patriots?  Will the Patriots recover some shred of dignity and not just roll over and show their belly?  Will Mrs. Vrabel one-shot Diana Russini right out the press box!

TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!

EIGHT MINUTES PEOPLE!!!  EIGHT MINUTES!!!!

EMBRACE THE CHAOS!!  LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

4.5 8 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
368 Comments
Redshirt

I go to take out the trash and AJ Brown dies?!

0
Spur

AJ Broken

2
LemonJello

How much stoppage time will this add to the game?

3
Horatio Cornblower

“Mike, what improvements have you seen in your offensive line, and also your ability to grasp the concept of monogamy?”

5
fleshwound_NPG

THIS SAM DARNOLD LEMME TELL YA I CALL HIM CHARLIE KIRK BECAUSE TOMORROW IS SEPTEMBER 10TH AND THE NEWS WILL BE HIM BEING LISTED AS OUT

9
jjfozz

Banner

1
Sharkbait

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mike Tomlin without a hat.

4
Gumbygirl

Bless his bald head ! I wish nothing but good things for him. He took too much racist bullshit from some of the yinzish hillbillies, that was always embarrassing and shameful.

2
Doktor Zymm

Pam in the Tan Suit

2
Horatio Cornblower

Thanks, Obama!!

2
Gumbygirl

I bet she uses Dijon mustard, the commie.

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Who’s the make a wish head coach for Seattle?

1
Horatio Cornblower

So Sam Darold is dead, huh?

1
Redshirt

Going offsite to look at hip. Doesn’t sound ideal.

1
King Hippo

Cue Doctor Hibbert

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is Dr. Nick only working for the Chargers?

1
fleshwound_NPG

*checks injured list*

and the niners!

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pretty sure the 49ers team doctor is in cahoots with the substation.

comment image

1
litre_cola

Remember when he wanted to sue us due to Maestro’s articles? Good times.

3
Spur

comment image

6
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The NFL opening its season on a Wednesday is wrong and I won’t abide it

5
Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, I quite enjoy the double-header the first Monday night, but this sort of blows.

2
Spur

You’ll watch and like it.

6
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nope

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I said, you’ll like it.

comment image

2
fleshwound_NPG

they deserve this upcoming 10-3 final score

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Not really paying attention to the game but every time I look up, there’s a punt

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t look now…

0
Don T

3 timeouts + Drew Lock = search party in swamp for missing person + chihuahua

6
ArmedandHammered

The NFL has a youtube channel and they have the game streaming there as well.

1
ArmedandHammered

At this point I am watching more TV and movies on youtube than any where else except Tubi.

1
jjfozz

Fullmoviesonyoutube is a fucking blessing

0
Redshirt

If Collinsworth also on the YouTube channel?

0
King Hippo

That look on Vrabel’s face, of a man who has lost his side piece privileges

5
Spur

You know she has a snitch watching him on the away games.

2
scotchnaut

“Mina Kimes has blocked me? Wtf? I just want to be friends.”

7
Redshirt

Darnold has a hip owie.

1
Spur

comment image

1
Horatio Cornblower

Those don’t lie.

2
Doktor Zymm

If I gave a shit about whatever water purifier Brady uses I would give it directly into his purified water

8
ArmedandHammered

Let me give him some personal water and let’s just see how well that filter actually works.

2
fleshwound_NPG

-probably a bad spot that should have been challenged
-probably a bad “offsides” call intentionally called by the refs to send a message to philly

1
Spur

They better call that shit against the Philly fucks.

1
Redshirt

Offsides…Offense?

Now they start calling it on the Tush Push?!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was interesting, the score bug turned yellow and showed a false start before the false start actually happened.

0
LemonJello

Look, just because your Make-A-Wish QB is gone, that doesn’t mean you all get to act like ret…uh, very special people now, Seahawks.

5
Fronkenshteen

Why doesn’t a team ever decide to have Super Bowl rings made that they can reasonably, you know, wear?

1
Doktor Zymm

I would get one I could use to poison people

3
litre_cola

You would also have a cane that is really a sword.

2
Gumbygirl

And an eyepatch.

1
Gumbygirl

My squarshed tits and I are home. Let me just say, shut the fuck up Cris. I had the wunnerful Kevin Harlan on my radio, should have stayed in the car!

12
Gatoraids

Jeff Fisher nods

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry to hear about the hammered yams.

2
Gumbygirl

Dented cans.

2
jjfozz

Somewhere there’s a reference to 80s porn and Christy Canyon but I can’t figure it out right now

1
scotchnaut

“The only thing better than a Pats TD is a Russini tiddy f*ck, and you can take that to the bank an adults-only hook-up spot somewhere in Arizona!”

-M. Vrabel

5
jjfozz

It’s September. Summer over = me going on an insane bourbon shopping trip. Oh, I’m unemployed? WELL FUCK YOU CAUSE IF I DON’T DRINK I MIGHT JUST AXE MURDER THE ENTIRE GODDAMN STATE OF MARYLAND!

5
Redshirt

Fozz is going to make a still like Hawkeye in MASH.

2
jjfozz

My middle son could figure that out. Do I need some kind of mash or corn or soemthing? I can buy sojme acres of shit to grow something…

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh! Late Rule Change draft pick: if a defensive player makes contact with the ball, there is no pass interference. So if an underthrown ball hits the defender in the back (like we just saw), it’s no interference.

Also, this means a defender can maul the living shit out of a receiver as long as they (or one of their teammates!) manage to get a finger on the ball before it hits the ground.

1
The Maestro

WE AHH GETTIN’ SOME FACKIN’ REVENGE! THIS IS OW-AH DIVINE PRAWVIDENCE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Last edited 9 hours ago by The Maestro
5
Horatio Cornblower

Definitely trade a Super Bowl loss for starting the next season 1-0.

0
Sharkbait

Woooo

0
litre_cola

I am sure AJ Brown is happy.

0
Redshirt

Insurmountable Lead?

0
fleshwound_NPG

the joe flacco flea flicker PI play!

0
Doktor Zymm

A flea has been flicked!

0
Spur

That’s the guy who got pancaked in the SB, Will Campbell.

0
Horatio Cornblower

NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL PASS INTERFERENCE, VOL. I

2
LemonJello

I’m surprised the starters are playing this far into a pre-season game.

4
Don T

🏆

1
The Maestro

While I have no doubt that almost all these guys are gonna get CTE, I posit that if one were to crack open all their skulls and feast upon the goo within, the helmet cap would probably make Romeo Doubs’ extra soft and delicious.

4
Doktor Zymm

That raises an interesting question, how does CTE affect zombie outbreaks?

2
Horatio Cornblower

Is it wrong that an increasingly large part of me is increasingly hoping that we get to find out?

4
scotchnaut

[offers up a olive oil-drizzled crostini recipe that can scoop up the goo]

-yeahright

2
Redshirt

Wednesday Night Football is scaring me.

2
SonOfSpam

*scarring

3
ArmedandHammered

Why can’t it be both?

3
Spur

AJ Brown gonna start complaining

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hearing the browns complain is pretty much the entire reason I get up in the morning.” – Stephen Miller

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s funny how too many punts make for a boring game in the NFL, but *any* punts in an NBA game make it delightfully unforgettable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFz5u4cdH8c

3
King Hippo

Out route off his back foot. Yep, that checks out

0
ThePirateSloth

SIR

1
Redshirt

I first questioned why there was no Bengal. Then I questioned why is JaMarr is paragliding?

IMG_4160
Last edited 9 hours ago by Redshirt
1
Spur

Burrow dies week 8 and that’s the only way for JaMarr to reach the Flaco overthrows.

2
jjfozz

Just a reminder that my mother in law once claimed that Oprah and other people killed children to reap their adrenochrome to put it into cosmetics so they would stay young forever.

3
ArmedandHammered

with some of the crap going on in the world, that would not be the weirdest thing if true

1
Unsurprised

So, she’s jealous.

2
Doktor Zymm

And DK Metcalf believes that there is a whole society of (I assume) Lowratios living under the ice in Antarctica

3
jjfozz

Which pro athlete claimed that dinosaur bones were fake?

0
Spur

The big guy is still up
comment image

5
King Hippo

He’s finally convinced Richard Gere ain’t walking through that door

6
ArmedandHammered

Or he is working on his cardio, you know, just in case.

3
Sharkbait

Was another Carrie remake necessary?

0
Horatio Cornblower

What’re they gonna do, pay for original content? What are you, a communist?

2
SonOfSpam

The twist is this time she’s CYBER-bullied.

(May watch because of Flanagan, but I’m not enthused)

0
LemonJello

comment image

1
Horatio Cornblower

That man could wear a suit.

1
Gumbygirl

Oh nooooooo! I had a (not so )secret chub for Barry Melrose. Could never explain it, he was so far from my type, but lust works in mysterious ways.

1
Spur

PUNTER ACTION! How have I missed you.

1
Don T

Uff. SEA D nasty.
Just celebratin’, not ninny mansplainig #Honrst

0
King Hippo

NEW IDEA – as I perused Week 1 lines, I decided we MUST HAVE a DonT/Senor Weaselo collaboration on “Watching Titans/Jets and actively caring about it”

3
Don T

I counted. There’s 11 TEN – DFO darbys (phon.). Titans going over 0.3333… in those would be Biblical.

1
Sharkbait

Just an awful decision not to audible out of that. 9 guys on the line. That was never gonna work

1
Doktor Zymm

You can’t spell Dynasty w/o D nasty!

(is what I would say if I were a seahawks fan)

2
fleshwound_NPG

congrats if you bet the under

1
King Hippo

There Will Be Punts

1
fleshwound_NPG

make thursday night football worse? play a day earlier!

3
King Hippo

First safety wins!

2
1 2 3 4
368
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x