[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

“Pep Crushing Fat Sam” Lesser Open Sabado

King Hippo

/

, ,

The big (pin intended) news of the past week is Leeds making the ultimate panic move – hiring Fat Sam Allardyce aka Gravy Tits aka (many other nicknames).  He’s corrupt, a tactical dinosaur, solely interested in media attention and self-promotion.  Don’t cry for the Stupid White Male being left behind, Argentina.  Gravy Tits is proof positive that Whitey will always land on his feet.  Jeebus Tapdancing Fuck.

Anyway, City of Men HOME to Leeds is the sole TV offering in the 10:00 window (USA).  And there ain’t no Early Bird Special.  AND the Spotlight Dance is spunking all over the German Elton John and his mathematically-alive-but-come-the-fuck-on Top 4-chasing Redshite, home to Bees on the Beach (12:30, USA).

In other words, Saturday will suck the chrome off any trailer hitch ye set before it.  Spurs/Palace is maybe, MAYBE a watchable streaming option.

Weird schedule stays weird into Sunday, with Bonesaws/Gooners at brunchtime (11:30, USA), followed by streaming only Men Untied away to Rum Ham (2:00, Peacock).  Decent matchups on paper, at least.

Shit Smorgasboard abounds on Monday, must be some weird British holiday.  USA brings all three of a relegation special triple bill (Mighty Whitey/Leicester at 10:00; Trashbirds/Toffes at 12:30; Robins Hood home to Poor Ded Sham Town at 3:00).  Come on, we are Americans (and Americans Lite, for those of y’all in The Hat) here – we all goddamned love a car crash.  You’ll watch, in rapt attention.

Is something else/better going on in your world?  Please, do discuss.

Also, Marika can rejoice – the Nappy Heads are officially Serie A champs.  Scudetto, amore!

5 3 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
115 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Col. Duke LaCross

“ I don’t know if you know this, but I’m also ‘lightly raced.’”

~M. Tirico

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Same here!” – Mike McDaniel

2
Gumbygirl

The jockey thanked Cheesus Cry!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hunter Renfrow just scored a huge payday with his bet on Mage.

1
Redshirt

Me too!

1
Dunstan

The other horses failed their saving throws.

0
Redshirt

Who is “Woodford Reserve”? Wouldn’t “Elmer’s” be a better sponsor for the Kentucky Derby?

3
Col. Duke LaCross

Or Alpo.

2
WCS

comment image

2
ballsofsteelandfury

I haven’t decided whether to call my dick The Royal Scepter or The Royal Rod.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m calling my testicles “The Royal Blues”.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s an Ab-Dick-ation of the throne joke in there somewhere

0
Dunstan

Can’t believe they listed all the NFL QBs in attendance, and John Elway wasn’t mentioned.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh Lord protect the Rocket Can and all who bet their life savings upon the Rocket Can…

comment image

2
Gumbygirl

He’s gray too!

0
WCS

My pick is the same every year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJWnbd34Tfg&ab_channel=BigPimpin

1
Gumbygirl

You know, I think it was pretty damn rude of the Brits to try to upstage our century and a half old tradition with their silly “coronation.” They clearly have no respect for history.

2
herodotus450

They must’ve been attracted by all the long faces and inbreeding.

8
Mr. Ayo

Also, all the silly hats

3
ballsofsteelandfury

This is still my favourite king:

comment image

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shuffles off, kicks rock]

– The Donut King

3
Redshirt

“Actually, I kind of like the idea of a “coronation”.” – D. Trump, FL

1
WCS

comment image

3
Gumbygirl

I’m ready to make my annual, completely wrong, Derby prediction. Tapit Trice! Why, you ask? Because he’s gray. I always pick a gray horse, I think I’ve been right once.

3
Dunstan

I go with the coolest name, so it’s Cyclone Mischief for me.

2
Horatio Cornblower

They just showed Emmitt Smith on the red carpet, so I assume he’s running and I’ll pick him.

7
Dunstan

He’s aiming for third place, though, because he misheard that it’s called “snow”

2
Mr. Ayo

I pick Reincarnate because I have no idea what I’m doing

1
Gumbygirl

Again.

1
Col. Duke LaCross

I’m assuming the 17 horses in the field that are related to Secretariat will all cancel each other out, so give me Derma Sotogake!

4
Dunstan

Hasn’t Secretariat’s stud record been pretty mediocre, considering how many descendants he’s had?

1
Gumbygirl

Lookit my boy

f1a1357c-d20e-481f-846a-3d827f1e1465-DerbyworkoutsMon_22.jpg
0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know, I’ve heard that the old gray mare ain’t what she used to be.

4
Redshirt

Redshirt’s Brain: “The joke was right there, people! How did we miss it!?”

2
Redshirt

I just put $10 on three favorites and three long shots. Equal chance to win a little or a lot.

Narrator: “Redshirt didn’t win shit.”

3
Dunstan

Jesus fucking Christ they’ve giving us Tom Brady? Fuck you, NBC.

1
Redshirt

Now, hold on. Maybe they’re putting him on the finish line to be trampled.

3
Dunstan

Horses, ranked:

  1. Bojack
  2. Mr. Ed
  3. Secretariat
0
Gumbygirl

WRONG!!!

mr-horse-no-sir-i-dont-like-it.gif
5
Dunstan

NO, YOU’RE WRONG!

There’s not enough horses to go around, but “fictional animals” would make a good Monday draft. I mean, Snoopy is pretty versatile, but Scooby-Doo is great for team chemistry.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Let me start working on my board…

comment image

3
Dunstan

Rules: must be a non-human Earth animal.

So Lassie is ok, but Poochie is out.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sea?

1
Redshirt

Oakland Athletics’ announcer apologizes for using racial slur | CNN

I have a speech impediment. Even to this day, I have a tendency to mispronounce words. That being said, I would find it hard to slip the word he said (uncomfortable writing the word) into what he said. That wasn’t a simple slip of the tongue.

No word on if Castellanos hit a home run.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
2
Dunstan

Yeah, I cut people a lot of slack for slips of the tongue, but I don’t know how that word comes out of your mouth unless it’s one that you use frequently.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d ask the folks he grew up with. That’s when those habits develop.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Best thing on TV right now is the NCAA Beach Volleyball championships in ESPN2.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

It has now moved to ESPNews for no reason I can think of.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Because it’s newsworthy, duh.

0
Mr. Ayo

Go Checo! And eat shit Max!

1
Dunstan

Just tuned into the Derby coverage in time to hear the panelists all declare how horse safety is a top priority.

Sure, Jan.

3
WCS

It’s not the track, trainers’, or breeders’ fault all those horses kept standing in the way of all those shotgun blasts.

6
Redshirt

I can still understand it. While the horses are broken and taught how to run at full speeds, even a moderately successful horse can demand decent fees when they are put out to stud/breed. It would be simultaneously cruel and stupid to run a racehorse into the ground.

0
Mr. Ayo

Only 7 deaths? Nailed It!

1
WCS

Lil’ WCS ran about a 14-minute mile in her first ever kids’ “marathon.” The practice definitely showed; she kept a set pace for almost the entirety, while most of her classmates spirinted for 200 yards and quit.

Looks like there’s another runner in the family.

5
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Wow, She’s quick
-Most of DFO thinking about running a mile

3
Gumbygirl

I can’t run. Even when I was young and springy, I’d make it a few hundred yards and then shin splints. Painful as fuck.

2
Redshirt

Tell Lil’ WCS nice job and keep it up. I’m able to average a 13-14 minute mile and that nearly kills me.

Me training for a 5K (“Artistic Conception”)

Why Speedrunning In Video Games Is Torture (Pixel Pete) – YouTube

1
herodotus450

Any Sip heads around?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRhLZM-cJZ0

0
King Hippo

May is such a bullshit month. As is Pretend August 2191, where we have lost BOTH our opening matches. Fookin’ disgrace, me.

0
Dunstan

Pretend Bernard Guikey (?) must be so disappointed in you.

0
King Hippo

Gilkey. But yes, so very disappoint. Like God DAMN, muthafucka

0
2Pack

There is a great garden center a 20 minute drive north of us. FIL always went there, best selection best quality around. I buy plants maybe when I retire I’ll give growing from seed a try but right now I just don’t have the time. I planted my usual stuff. Moderate inflation this year, but not too bad. I spent 70 euros for this. On the left top to bottom, 6 celery, 4 zucchini. Center top to bottom, 6 eggplant, 6 yellow bell pepper, 6 red bell pepper, 8 mild pepper (wifey), 3 basil bushes. In planters (some not visible) 4 cucumber, 2 parsley, 3 strawberry. Right top to bottom, 6 salad tomato, 6 cherry red tomato, 6 cherry orange tomato, 6 red cabbage. Remaining from previous years, rosemary, sage, thyme, chives and 4 vases of strawberries.

IMG_20230506_183257.jpg
7
2Pack

And the severity of my OCD requires I keep the labels each year. So if something does well I make sure to plant it again. If it doesn’t I switch to something else. If you are starting out I recommend you do that. I’m getting to the point where I really don’t need to anymore but… OCD…

IMG_20230506_190006.jpg
3
Fronkenshteen

Anyone else just see that outside-of-the-left-foot banana pass Salah just played right before he scored there? Fucking unbelievable.

0
King Hippo

DON’T PRAISE THE FOOKIN SHITE

0
2Pack

Last year on a Sunday Gravey chat we were discussing gardening and I promised to give a start to finish report this season. Back in February I went over soil prep. It’s planting time now so we (and most of the region) are putting it in the ground. Prep is to do a good final raking to level the ground. Each weekend between fertilizing back in late February and now, I rake the soil real good to mix it up. I use matting material for a couple reasons. First is weed control. My garden is fucking jurassic by July if I go naked soil. Been there – no longer doing that. The weeding drove me nuts. The second reason is layout. See the grid pattern? When you lay out spacing, plant compatability and amount of sunlight are the main considerations. So the first year you pay close attention to that, cut your holes, and in subsequent years you are cookin with Crisco. I’ve been using these mats for the last 5 years, still in good shape. I think they help with moisture retention in the soil also which has been important in recent years. It has been unseasonably dry now for a couple years. I then lay the plants out and put up the vine poles for the tomatoes. I’ll post what it looks like planted, and what I plant here in a bit.

IMG_20230506_172300.jpg
Last edited 2 years ago by 2Pack
3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s planting time now…

Meanwhile in California I’ve already had some stuff (bok choy, chard) bolt on me.

1
2Pack

Are you guys still getting a bunch of rain?

1
yeah right

Just yesterday it rained. It’s been crazy.

4
Gumbygirl

My SIL is using those mats too. That reminds me, I need to water her garden. We had some rain the first couple of days I was here, but it’s sunny and nice now.

2
2Pack

Once you go mat – you never go back. Those squigally vine poles are like that too. No more tying off vines. Most fun an old guy can have with his pants on.

2
King Hippo

Anyone ever whack off out of sheer boredom, hoping to stimulate a nap?

Nah, me neither. WEIRDO.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, and my neighbor’s crack of dawn coronation party went through more than a dozen bottles of sparkling wine. I’d suggest people avoid my block until nap time.

2
King Hippo

I speak on behalf of humanity – please set their goddamned house on fire.

0
Gumbygirl

I watched the highlights of Chonk and Sasparilla’s coronation on BBC America. What a collection of miserable, pissy-faced wankers. I was rooting for a meteor.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Morning. I’m on the bike and starting to watch the GWS-WB replay, no chance I finish this until at least tonight so no spoilers!

0
yeah right

Wrexham is playing the LA Galaxy in July right up the street in Carson if anyone is interested.

2
TheRevanchist

What are the ticket prices? These exhibition game prices so far have been well over 100 per ticket.

0
yeah right

Looks like 130 to 150. There really are no bad seats in this place. Just ask the Chargers.

2
herodotus450

Buying some tea today and throwing it in the nearest body of water, just for old times sake. Might invade Canada later.

7
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I CAN’T BELIEVE SLEEPY JOE DIDN’T ATTEND THE CORONATION! WHAT KIND OF AMERICAN WOULD SKIP THAT?

1
Gumbygirl

If he had gone: I CAN’T BELIEVE SLEEPY JOE WASTED ALL THAT MONEY GOING TO THAT CORONATION! WHAT KIND OF AMERICAN WOULD DO THAT?

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Does your presidential residence need a new paint colour?

1
Fronkenshteen

I wish Pep and Fat Sam switched clothes at the half. I can’t decide who would look funnier. What I have decided is not since fucking Columbo has someone almost stunk right through the television screen as badly as Sam. He just LOOKS like halitosis, even while maniacally chewing gum.
Need goals in this window from Ouattara, Olise, and Cunha. Already home with Gündogan.

0
litre_cola

Out of pure luck my buddy and his wife are on vacation in Italy. Where did they stay the last 3 nights? Naples. It was insane from the pics he sent me.

4
King Hippo

A sportsball celebration-cum-riot is sommet to be treasured. ALWAYS participate, if given the opportunity. It may NEVAR come around again.

/yes, I absolutely BEGGED my Dad to drive us up to West Raleigh that April Monday night in 1983, but he refused to let us miss school the following day

2
Fronkenshteen

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

0
LongtimeLionsLoser

You didn’t go out for the Vichy Whalers celebration in 2006? I lived in Raleigh then.

0
King Hippo

A Vichy celebration just wouldn’t have that same feeling!

0
Dunstan

Pretty good, though I think a tampon would have been funnier. I like a good callback.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Agreed, that would have been much more inspired.

1
Gumbygirl

+1 Squidgy.

0
LongtimeLionsLoser

My wife kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I ceded control of her to an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the Portuguese.

11
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Found a funny!

2
King Hippo

BANNER!

1
herodotus450

At least the old guy is her 1st cousin.

3
Gumbygirl

Incest is best!

habsburg-kingds.jpg
1
ballsofsteelandfury

In high school, our fall dance was called The Coronation and that’s when the Homecoming Queen and King would get announced.

This is the extent of my experience with coronations.

0
Fronkenshteen

Hammers need one win in four to stay up. I say, put this kid out there for the home games & catch lightning in a bottle. Pull the trigger, Moyes-ey!
https://www.footballfancast.com/west-ham-divin-mubama-danny-ings-david-moyes-premier-league/

0
litre_cola

Haven’t been this comfy in the Prem for 8 years!

1
Fronkenshteen

I’m actually going to see the Mighty Whites in D.C. this summer! We got tickets to that Summer Series thing and our games are Brentford vs Aston Villa at noon followed by Chelsea vs Fulham at 3:00. July 30 in Snyder’s trash palace. There will be photos! 🤓

2
yeah right

Still not comfortable but the AC is on and there’s beer in the fridge and it’s getting close.

0
LongtimeLionsLoser

Royal-adjacent joke:

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess. This is how I know this to be empirically true:

I had a friend who was really into Cinderella and he exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that’s why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

7
WCS

comment image

3
ballsofsteelandfury

Eight year olds

2
2Pack

Marika heard that Hippo. She’s giving you that look…

IMG_20230506_122250.jpg
3
WCS

World watches as old white guy accepts older white guy’s gift of even older jewelry.

3
LongtimeLionsLoser

Fuck, now you come out. This would be the perfect place for the “Princest” joke.

2
WCS

comment image

4
115
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x