Luv 4 USA, 4 Reelz!

[Video plays]

[Fade in to a mostly steady selfie video of a shirtless handsome man, shot from the neck up, sitting at the beach on a beach chair]

Hello, ladies. My name is Dónal Yandel T and I’m speaking live from my Latin American country, Puerto Rico. This around here

[turns camera to the beach]

is where you’ll find a huge number of Boricuas from today up until July 4.

[turns camera back, shot from neck up].

And yes, the independence of the United States is a holiday celebrated here in Puerto Rico,

[ears turn red]

which is an unincorporated U.S. territory. Hrrm. Me cago en…

[bites half of fist, camera turns to the sand]

GRRMMM.

[shot from neck up]

But OK. I will not let deep… VASTLY documented and uninterrupted political and economical fuckery get in the way of appreciating the… Uhh, undisputably wonderful, genial, and very, very awesome stuff produced by co-citizens of the United States of America. So I’m gonna do that, and I mean it.

My beef is with the federal government, which is wholly apart from the actual people of the United States. Setting aside the racists and homophobes and right-wing nut jobs which… Let’s be honest.

[puts phone in sand]

Hang on.

click click click  

 Ffffffffffooooooh. KAKH KAKH

 [camera moves sideways, shows kinda hairy gut the size of a 7-month pregnancy]

There are prejudiced folks everywhere, so that is not a problem particular only to the U.S. It is everywhere and it is a damn disgrace. Discrimination cuts across cultures and society. Understanding and having a baseline of respect for other persons is a human quality, shared by

[turns camera back to face]

Shared by many Americans. Women and men, but let’s be honest. Mostly women, We suck heh heh. But you now, I have to be honest

[sets phone on sand]

Click click

 Ffffffkhooohh

KAKH KAKH Este dispensario lo que tira es pangola

 kakh

Uuuf. OK. Just so you don’t think I’m not trustworthy. I value the work of the Puerto Rico desk of the U.S. Dept. of Justice. During my lifetime, the U.S. Attorneys have prosecuted, and the federal courts have jailed, the immense majority of Puerto Rican politicians and their flunkies caught taking bribes, kickbacks, and worse. So now you know I have enough tellectual tegrity to throw the Feds a bone for that. Hear that, all of you over at the NSA? This better show up in response to my 2024 FOIA request.

So, ok. American stuff I love or value. One, originality. That is a quality I think America has lots of. In technology and research and development, bof. It’s beyond argument. In art, America’s footprint in the world is not stepping on your neck, but more Jesus carrying you at the beach. Jazz, rhythm and blues, films both overproduced and on slim budgets, serving fried chicken with waffles and syrup… It’s the creation and development of something unique, for which there are no centuries long tradition like in that dusty antiquary called Europe.

[switches phone to other hand, points to neck and face]

America is a nation of firsts. We left-leaning Hispanics like to say that Améerica spans from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego and that many countries are named The United States of. But I acknowledge you were the first to use both America and U.S., back in the late Eighteenth Century. So OK, mesdames, American and Americans it is.

Qué calor puñeta

 [puts phone on sand]

PSHHHHSSIUT CLACK glug glug Aaaaa.

 [shot from neck up]

America is a country built on paper, and what a piece of paper: the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution incorporated several progressive ideas from the Enlightenment much in the way, in the early Twentieth Century, the Bolsheviks cast the Soviet Union from the ore of philosophical masturbatory soliloquies in European cafés.  The U.S. Constitution established

[glugs from can of Medalla beer]

Wermf aaahh the separation of powers. Hrm. Separation of powers is big. It was an innovation back in the Nineteenth Century and has been, until then up to the present, as the test for whether a state functions as a dictatorship. The Constitution also went above the Magna Carta’s restrictions on governmental powers and codified specific rights

[sets phone on sand]

click click  

Fffffoooh. KAKH kakh

 [picks up phone, points at neck and face, shakes away smoke with other hand]

Hrrm. Aah. Wow. Almost went blind there. Hah hah. Hrrm. I gotta say another kickass right is the prohibition of warrantless searches and seizures. That is prettay, prettay, pretty big even in the Twenty first century. Also, the right to assemble peacefully, which may someday apply to Puerto Ricans if we keep gatherings at below 85 decibels.

To be clear I was pointing out a cultural quirk, not mansplaining. I apologize for any confusion.

[stretches arm for wide shot, taps can of beer on chest]

That’s on me

[taps]

only.

[zooms in on neck and face]

The Constitution was also novel in protecting the rights of scientists over their inventions and of artists over their works. Rights which you sign away to your employer when you need the job and have zero experience but anyway,

[sips beer]

It’s pretty great in the abstract. If we briefly suspend disbelief to imagine a world without pharmaceutical giants and music industry executives, IP protection is the great kind of capitalism. Ooof! Man I should eat something soon.

But I think the big one, the right above all other rights, undisputably American, is the right to speak freely.

[switches phone to other hand]

Giving folks a right to complain and express themselves against the government is a biggie. I have exercised that right many,

[points toward cellphone with one-hitter]

Many,

[points]

Many times in my life. It’s a biggie, buh. Pshht! Emeritus King Juan Carlos I of Spain is a certified drunk, conniver, embezzler, and philanderer, yet Spanish rapper Pablo Hásel is in jail for saying that. And that’s in a relatively groovy European Union country, mind. And when this extends to satire and comedy, well: there I can say the Americans take the world’s cake.

The Simpsons, oh my god The Simpsons. Democrats hate themselves and can’t govern; Republicans are just plain evil; Fox has a chemical weapons lab in Syria; if you’ve ever handled a penny, the government has your DNA. I haven’t liked anything more in my lifetime and it’s so thoroughly American. And AND, Stephen Colbert’s 2006 White House Correspondent Dinner’s appearance is… Performance art is hit-and-miss and Andy Kaufman was brave and innovative. But none of that compares to doing crowd work with generals, dumping on the lapdog press, warming up at the start with a getting shot in the face swap at Dick Cheney—Colbert reached Another Level. He bombed and was The Bomb while being thoroughly American: witty, no-holds-barred, hot fire truth to power. I love and admire

[pans phone over whole body]

that performance with all of my being.

[points phone to neck and face]

I cannot refer to myself as American in the way it’s used in the US. I am and will always be Puerto Rican first, then caribeño, and then the list gets crowded. But it honors me to be your friend and that has nothing to do with nationality and even language.

[chugs beer]

I do favor

[burps]

Perdón. I favor Puerto Rico to become independent, and to develop a relationship among peers with the USA. That is what I want, peace, respect, and commerce among equals. I imagine, happily, a world where boricuas could refer to Americans as ‘mon earnestly, not as shorthand for hegemon.

[pauses]

OK taht’s sexist, but I stand by the joke, which, heh heh, you gotta admit is pretty witty. Hey blame the patriarchy amirite?  

But kidding aside, I am honored to be considered your friend. I love what you stand for as Americans, with a clear purpose of taking initiative and seeking equality and justice. My sharing most of your values prove that true kinship goes beyond where you were born and raised. Setting aside antiquated notions, like nationalism and promiscuity, truly is a way to bring persons closer together. And I am proud that you chose me to address this dynamite and necessary community. Hope to actually meet all of you in real life. Forever your friend, Don.

[gives head tilt and wink, “see ya” finger salute]

[turns off camera]

Video essay originally submitted for publication on 3/24/21 for the Summer edition of the Loose Daughters of the American Revolution Newsletter, transcribed and reviewed. Them LDOTARs sure know how to ghost. Very UN-American, ladies. Feh.

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