The 2016 “Houston Texans” Preview

George Berkeley was an eighteenth-century Irish philosopher who’s primarily known for his ideas on immaterialism (later known as “subjective idealism”). This idea is that visible objects, even the world itself, only exist in the mind that perceives them. It is certainly counter-intuitive but contains a valuable insight that has been passed on to successive generations of thinkers: the independent existence of things apart from our perception of them cannot simply be assumed, no matter how obvious it may seem. For example, every year the “Houston Texans” are scheduled by the National Football League to play a full season’s worth of football games, and yet no one can be sure the “Houston Texans” are anything more than a fever dream concocted by overzealous ESPN executives. With that in mind, please understand that the following season preview of the “Houston Texans” is predicated on the tenuous notion that George Berkeley had no fucking clue what he was talking about (which is possible, since he was Irish and therefore drunk).

COACH

This alleged team is coached by Bill O’Brien (Irish! Like George Berkeley!), who has led the Texans to 9-7 records in his first two seasons in Houston. Last year, this was good enough to win the AFC South over the Jacksonville MRSA, the Tennessee Crashin Kickers, and whatever was left of Andrew Luck’s kidneys. Considering the primary quarterback was Brian Hoyer, Coach O’Brien might just be good at what he does. If he exists.

OFFENSE

Houston spent a crap ton of money on Brock Osweiler, a big dumb (Arizona St.) stiff last seen getting benched for a cyborg in Denver. He can’t be worse than last year’s quarterbacks, which seems like damning with faint praise because it is. They also brought in Lamar Miller from Miami, where he was used sparingly despite actually being pretty good (The Miami Way). Miller replaces longtime Texans’ mainstay Arian Foster, who somehow didn’t sign with Chip Kelly. Meanwhile, Osweiler will throw approximately 85% of his passes to DeAndre Hopkins. “Nuk” (his nickname due to the brand of pacifiers little DeAndre preferred) is the best skill player on this team, and should have a nice season. They drafted Will Fuller to start opposite Nuk (which I’m warming to – only three letters!), and his speed will theoretically open up the offense. If you play in a fantasy league (NERD!), target Nuk in the 2nd round, and Miller in the late 1st (where he will disappoint), and maybe Fuller in the 10th or so. Or not. What am I, your mother?

DEFENSE

J.J. Watt is the cornerstone of the defense and possibly the greatest human ever to walk the planet. He is really really great. His skills include building a cabin or whatever and representing America better than any commie backup quarterback. Also, he’s hurt all the time and probably won’t contribute much this year. Or he’ll be MVP because he transcends space and time. America. There might be other players on this defense, but we don’t care. He puts the “Watt” in “Flyswatter” and shut up, YOU don’t make sense.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Their kicking game is who cares, and their punt team is I mean really who cares.

OUTLOOK

Mine crashed yesterday and I lost like a hundred e-mails.

PREDICTIONS

1. The Houston Texans will go 8-8 this season, which is totally appropriate since they probably don’t exist and will therefore have no bearing on the league as a whole.
2. The Houston metropolitan area will be a hot swampy mess with no redeeming societal value.
3. Donald Trump will not be President, because God’s sense of irony only goes so far.
4. Door Flies Open will politely decline my offers to write any 2017 Team Previews.