(feature image is things I’ve also forgotten)

Well, this is awkward.  Sort of dropped the ball on the whole “bye week” thing, and now the Cowboys are back to actually playing the games.  Well, what are ya gonna do, cut my pay?  Much like Michael Irvin with a pair of scissors, let’s just let bygones be bygones and move on.

Dallas has, this year, been the Nigeria of the NFL:  a team of contrasts.  They started out like a house on fire, squeaking past whatever it is the New York Giants are doing this year by a mere 40 points, then thumping a surprisingly not-shitty New York Jets team, (somehow .500 despite starting MILF-Hunter Z at quarterback while Aaron Rodgers rubs magic mud on his severed Achilles tendon), 30-10 in a game that really wasn’t that close.

Dallas then traveled to Arizona where they were to play a clearly outclassed Cardinals team.  Dallas made the strategic decision to, well, not try and, Bidwill’s sexuality aside, that’s simply not something you can do in the NFL and expect to win.  And they did not, falling 28-16 to a Cardinals team that has managed to win exactly no other games this season.  This was a bizarre game where the Cowboys seemingly decided that they could rest 60% of the starting offensive line, (which was already, two games into the season, nicked up), and in general just sort of fuck off.

Dallas then bounced back against the corpse of the New England Patriots, delivering a 38-3 drubbing that, trust me, up here in the northeast resulted in the sort of wailing and gnashing of teeth usually reserved for disasters of biblical proportions, or at the most an Italian funeral.

It was a glorious couple of weeks of sports radio, let me tell you.

Dallas stood 3-1, should have been 4-0, and cruising into their toughest test of the season, against also undefeated, and arch rival, and team that had knocked them out of the last two play-offs, the hated San Francisco 49ers.  Dallas, and especially noted ham-headed QB, Dak Prescott,

(shown here at a pre-game press conference),

promised that there would not be a repeat of those play-off losses, that this time the Cowboys were prepared, that Dak wouldn’t play QB with his eyes closed, and all sort of other things that they apparently didn’t mean, because oh Holy Christ did they go out there and get their asses handed to them.  I mean, they got killed.  The final score, 42-10, does not do justice to how bad this beating was.

Dak threw for less than 160 yards, managing more than 1/3 as many completions to the 49ers as he did to his own team.  Micah Parsons was completely neutralized.  Mike McCarthy had no answers, although that’s frankly nothing new.  Leighton Vender Esch injured his neck, again, and hasn’t played since.  It was, in short, not a great week for Ol’ Double J.

Let’s face it, no one’s unhappy about that.

Might be worth noting that the 49ers are 0-3 since that game.  It also might not.  But losing 42-10 to a team that promptly goes out and drops 3 straight may not be a good sign.

Dallas went into the San Diego Chargers game with, I thought, something to prove.  If they lost they were likely headed for, at best, a .500 season.  Pull themselves together and win against a team that, (at least then), seemed halfway decent, and something like 12-5 and a wild-card bid looked good.  Well, they won, but hardly in convincing fashion, squeaking by 20-17 to a team that it turns out really isn’t any good, and which is coached by one of the few individuals who makes Mike McCarthy look like a genius.

So at the real break, (more than a week before I could be bothered to write this), Dallas was 4-2, thumping 4 teams ranging in quality from ‘mediocre’ (Chargers, Jets), to ‘is that even football?’ (Giants, Patriots), managing to somehow lose to the clearly tanking Cardinals, and getting absolutely wood-shedded by the one really good, (but it turns out maybe not actually really that good), team they played.

Dallas also had significant problems with injuries, having lost most of their offensive line to injuries for one game, (Arizona, which as noted above they badly underestimated and were likely trying to rest players who really could have played), losing Trevon Diggs to an ACL torn in practice

(Maybe AI was on to something?)

CB C.J. Goodwin to a torn pectoral, and the aforementioned Vander Esch, (who was having a great year), to a neck injury.  Not great when two of the top guys in your secondary and your leading tackler are done for the year by Week 4.  The offense was generally healthy but, from what I could see, having real issues figuring out McCarthy’s newly installed ‘Texas Coast’ offense and frequently not seeming to know what they were doing from one play to the next.

Now, since I was late with this I have the advantage of seeing how Dallas did coming out of the bye.  They came out firing on all cylinders and laid the absolute wood to their opponent, winning 43-20 in a game that wasn’t that close.  Unfortunately that team was yet another squad that, to use a technical term, ‘absolutely sucks at football,’ the Los Anglese Rams.  The Dallas defense forced turnovers, knocked Stafford out of the game, and blocked a punt.  The offense seemed to know what they were doing on every play, although I’d also note that, at least early on when they racked up most of their points, they seemed to do that with frequent passes at least moderately far downfield, which is apparently pretty much the opposite of what McCarthy’s offense was supposed to be, which is ball control to keep his defense rested so that they can go 100% when they are on the field.  Once Dallas got way ahead McCarthy’s apparent desired offense showed up and, credit where credit’s due, did exactly what it was supposed to do, chewing up huge amounts of time and keeping the defense on the sidelines, sucking oxygen, huffing paint, or whatever it is they need to do to keep them foaming at the mouth and attacking opposing QBs like the defense had rabies and the QB was a small child playing outside of a shack in Arkansas.

The downside is that the Cowboys lost their first and second string left tackles during the LA Rams week.

The Cowboys are now 5-2.  Last week they looked fantastic, but once again they were looking fantastic against a really bad team.  Next week they get the Eagles, in Philadelphia.

I have no expectations of a win here.  Philadelphia is probably a better team than Dallas, although this season they’ve certainly not looked as overwhelming as they did last year.  Still, they should beat Dallas.  What I’m looking for out of a Dallas is a better performance than rolling over and showing their belly, like they did in San Francisco.  Play competitively and, win or lose, the season is probably looking good.  After the Eagles game the Cowboys get the Giants, the Panthers, the Washington Football Team, (not gonna say it and you cannot make me), and the Seahawks, before a rematch, in Dallas, against the Eagles.  They should be 9-3 going into that game.  For whatever reason Dallas and Philly always seem to split regular season games, (even if one team is better than the other; it’s a mystery), so call it 10-3 after Week 14.

Then there’s a tough three week stretch, with the Bills, Dolphins, and resurgent Lions on the schedule.  Based on the season so far, and especially the performance last week, (and maybe more importantly all three of the Dolphins, Bills, and Lions proving that they’re just as capable of a bad loss as the Cowboys are), Dallas could win all three of those games. They’re also, of course, fully capable of losing all three of them.  Really badly.  Let’s say they go 1-2.  They finish against Football Team.  They’d be 11-5, probably challenging for a wild-card spot.  Given recent developments* Washington will likely not even be trying at that point, so I think the Cowboys are finishing 12-5, likely destined for a play-off spot, and even more likely probably a wild car, with the Eagles winning the division.

Will they get past that wild-card game?  Well, I’ll let noted NFL analyst Bart Simpson say it for me.

*Author’s Note:  Since this hit the presses the Washington Football Team has traded Montez Sweat and Chase Young for draft picks.  Dallas now has two more games against an obviously tanking team.  The future’s so bright, they gotta wear shades.  Of course, they also have to wear shades because of that dumb ass decision to build a stadium with a glass wall to the west, but that’s another story.