NSA Telephone Transcript #14B688UC11

[brief ringing sound, then a phone picking up]

OSZ: Hello?

[No response. Background noise sounds like a large group of people talking all at once, as well as “Fly Like An Eagle” by the Steve Miller Band]

OSZ: Hello? Who is this?

[Still no response, but a voice cuts through the background noise] GET ‘ER TOP OFF AND WE’LL TALK! HA HA HA HA!

OSZ: Ah, shit. Is that you, Roy?

Drunk Uncle Roy: OH SHIT, MY PHONE DIALED SOMEONE. HELLO? WHO’S THIS?

OSZ: It’s your nephew, Uncle Roy. And you don’t need to yell.

DUR: ZERO! My boy, how are yaaa?

OSZ: Good, Roy. You out at the watering hole?

DUR: Anywhere I go, there’s a watering hole nearby, if ya know what I mean! Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask… how’s your mom?

OSZ: What? Uh, she’s fine.

DUR: Good, good. That’s good to hear. She need a plumber?

OSZ: A plumber? You’re not a–

DUR: ‘Cause I could lay some pipe if she needs it!

OSZ: Oh jeez, Roy, that’s not–

DUR: I’m just bustin’ yer balls, Zero! C’mon, now! She dropped my brother off at the first curb in Dumpsville about twenty years ago now, I think the statues of limitations has expired. She’s a fine, mature woman, and I’m an irresistible hunk of man meat, and I should be able to–

OSZ: Roy! I do not want to hear this, all right? Not okay.

DUR: Ah, quitcher bitchin’. You always were such a momma’s boy. Anyway, didja hear your boy Antonio Gates is a big cheater?

OSZ: Don’t remind me. That’s just depressing news.

DUR: What did you espect, though? Guy’s built like a juice box and runs about as fast anymore. Hell, I can’t take a satisfying shit anymore without making sure I chase my metamucil with some mineral oil. Doc says it’s the oxy, but what the fuck does that nerd know? These guys are getting old, and I say give ’em all the drugs they want. Yer state just legalized the loco weed, so let’s legalize opening up the pharmacy to these old players, right?

OSZ: You make a good point.

DUR: Speakings of the old guys, ya hear the other news?

OSZ: Uh, what’s that?

DUR: MY BOY FAVRE’S COMING BACK!

OSZ: I don’t think that’s true.

DUR: That’s where you’re wrong. I have it from reliable sources that not only is he coming back… BERNIE! WHERE’S FAVRE PLAYING NEXT YEAR? [a voice in the background yells “DA EAGLES!”] THAT’S RIGHT! MY MAIN MAN CHIP IS GONNA SLING SOME GUNS!

OSZ: Roy, I really don’t thi–

DUR: Quiet yer yap hole. Chip Kelly is a GENIUS! First he got a bargain for STUD BRADFORD, got Jesus behind us with some Tebow, and got the hispanic vote with Sanchez–

OSZ: Sanchez really isn’t–

DUR: BUT NOW HE’S GONNA GET A CHAMPIONSHIP WITH FAVRE! Bernie, here, he’s the most connected Eagles fan I know, and he’s got the REAL inside scoop, the stuff the papers won’t tell you.

OSZ: Wasn’t he just a ticket taker back in the 70s?

DUR: HE KNOWS PEOPLE! Listen, you may not get why this is important. First, ol Chippy gets rid of some dead weight in our more thuggish elements.

OSZ: Roy, that’s rac–

DUR: AND THEN he loads up on the MOST IMPORTANT position, quarterback. I mean, thass smart football. Thass where you wanna put yer money. This is what we need! Thissis gonna bring back GLORY to our lovely state.

OSZ: You don’t even live there, though. You’ve never set foot in Penn–

DUR: I don’t need your gotcha journalsm questions! SOMEONE PUT THE SONG ON! [“Fly Like An Eagle” cranks up loud in the background] WE’RE GONNNA WIN THE SUPER BOWL!

OSZ: [audible sigh]

DUR: [background noise and music]

OSZ: [flushing sound]

DUR: Anyway, how’s your mom? She need a plum–

OSZ: You already asked that.

DUR: Ah, whatever. You see Brucie Jenner’s new wife? That Caitlyn is HOT as FUCK! I’d put the cream in her cannoli, know what I mean?

OSZ: Uh, well, she’s not really–

DUR: I have it on good authority from my man Bud that she’s into some FREAKY stuff. Make the hairs on your toes curl.

OSZ: Ugh.

DUR: Yup. I just need to find me a damn fine woman like that, and my luck’s gonna change. I just know it.

OSZ: [silence]

DUR: [long stretch of background noise and music]

OSZ: [clears throat]

DUR: I’m so lonely.

OSZ: I gotta go. It’s been fun.

[call ends]