Morning folks. Today’s the first Monday of Daylight Savings Time, thanks to those fucking farmers. Or something. Whatever. Hopefully you were able to get up on time and aren’t late for work, so you can spend the appropriate amount of time avoiding work by participating in this here draft.
The 1980’s were the formative decade in a young Horatio’s life. They started when I was 11, they ended when I was 21, or close enough for this already strained point. A lot happens in a youngster’s life during those years: you get taller, your voice changes, hair starts appearing where there wasn’t hair before, and boners-at-awkard-times become an ever present challenge.
Basically you grow up.
Last off-season, and courtesy of RTD, we drafted bands’ discography’s from the 80’s. This week we’re drafting movie from the 1980’s. I did consider doing something similar to the band draft and taking an actor from the 80’s and then you’d get his or her output from that decade. But then I’d take Eddie Murphy with the first pick, someone would take John Cusack with the second, and by the time Molly Ringwald went third we’d be out of movies.
So, your mission this week is to draft movies from the 80’s. If it’s a movie that came out between 1/1/80 and 12/31/89, (don’t give me any shit about how the zero year is actually the last year of the preceding decade: I promise you I do not care), it is eligible. Bonus points if your pick is an excellent representation of what the 80’s was all about.
Which is the rise of Reaganism and subsequent, and very much directly related, decline of America. But that’s another story.
Your commissioner for this week is the late and lamented John Hughes. The director of such 80’s stalwarts, (and now remarkably problematic), films like ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘The Breakfast Club,’ ‘Weird Science,’ and (and I did not know this before right now), the criminally overlooked ‘Uncle Buck.’
A true honor to have his ghostly presence monitor our draft, and perhaps explain how Anthony Michael Hall having banged that girl at the end of Sixteen Candles when she was passed out isn’t rape.
It was a different time.
Also you’re probably largely on your own today. Tomorrow is the 29th anniversary of Mrs. Horatio making a horrible, horrible decision, then somehow doubling down on it for the next three decades. Depending on her work schedule we’ll likely be out and about enjoying this wonderful Smarch weather.
With the first pick I will take the movie that was on the other day that inspired this particular draft.
1983’s ‘Trading Places.’ Directed by John Landis, (a/k/a “That Other John Guy With All The 1980’s Movies”), and starring the aforementioned 1980’s powerhouse Eddie Murphy, with Dan Akroyd and an absolutely smoking Jamie Lee Curtis providing able support, Trading Places spends it’s running time skewering insider trading, wealth disparities, racist preconceptions, the war on drugs, and many other things that made the 1980’s the, well, the 1980’s.
Also it’s really funny and Jamie Lee shows her boobs.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Here’s my One Last Pick:
The Cannonball Run
I’ll throw in one more pick since I missed most of the draft:
Other than ‘The Wrestler’ Mickey Rourke’s never been better.
Just back from walking the dog after an afternoon in Mystic, CT where, despite it being the official gift for the 29th wedding anniversary, we managed not to buy any furniture. We did have some decent pizza and bought Key Lime Honey, which is the shit.
You folks absolutely nailed this draft.
Happy Outkicking-Your-Coverage Day!
Our 29th is in a couple months, so I appreciate the furniture idea. Maybe George Clooney’s DIY chair from Burn After Reading.
https://youtu.be/knp9-GY6fHE?si=X1Gp8US2lFTDIlgZ
I’m not gonna go through all 231 comments here, and I have no idea when most films were made anyway, so I’m gonna skirt the whole issue and pick from the 1880s.
330px-Étienne-Jules_Marey,_Cheval_blanc_monté,_1886,_locomotion_du_cheval,_expérience_4,_Chronophotographie_sur_plaque_fixe,_négatif.jpg (330×165) (wikimedia.org)
already picked
https://ibb.co/qgmtzqh
Here are my free agent signings post draft:
Hollywood Shuffle
Hard Ticket to Hawaii
Savage Beach
I’m so glad They Live was chosen!
Road House, mainly for the seduction
GREATEST. MOVIE. EVER.
Die Hard may or may not be a Xmas movie, but Road House is definitely a rom-com.
Christmas vacation
Shitters Full!
Blair Witch is coming to dinner
So upset that one came out in the 90’s.
1980s Romeo and Juliet – Randy and Julie. “Valley Girl”
I had such a crush on Julie.
Alright you lily white bunch. I’ll take Do The Right Thing.
Stop Making Sense (1984) d. Jonathan Demme
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8al5cSQNmME
Once again, I’d like to offer my heartfelt greetings to any Deadspin refugees who found their way here today!
Except for Todd. That guy sucks.
tl;dr
“Thanks for getting me rich. Get the fudge out.” -CEO
Some say this is really Taxi Driver Part II and that Rupert Pupkin is in fact Travis Bickle, recovered from his wounds and living with his mother in New Jersey.
The King of Comedy (1982) d. Martin Scorsese
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
BFC done beat you to it.
I searched everywhere, back and forth, and couldn’t find it. If it wasn’t notated in writing it wasn’t drafted, therefore available.
It was notated in writing, sir. 1:46 pm DFO time.
I command-F’ed everywhere (and couldn’t believe it wasn’t there). I guess I missed it.
In your defense, they never outright typed it, just posted a gif
Ah, no wonder. You picked “ET” (that’s Entertainment Tonight with the delightful John Tesh), while I picked “E.T.” (a movie by Steven Spielberg). We both win.
Yeah, bc you all really want me criticizing your use of punctuation on the reg…
Me? My grammar is so precise and proper I even make myself sick.
Are Porn Parodies of the same two letters still in play? I’m asking for both myself and the good sense of humor folks at the FBI who joined me virtually once I googled “ET porn parody”.
We could do this all week and not run out. Blood Simple.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFzPVLdGtAg
.
“We could do this all week and not run out.”
You’re right, and looking at the results here I may run this draft back but with the original idea that you draft an actor’s work from the 80’s and once they’re drafted all their movies are off the board. Going to have to work something out about how much of a starring role they have to have had.
Tampopo (1985) d. Juzo Itami
Sorry I’m late. First round: Local Hero. Quiet respite from the 80s. Soundtrack by Mark Knopfler.
Gumby’s second pick- Cat People
HOT ZADDY