It’s that time of year again; the clocks have sprung forward, the potato-eating countries have been celebrated, and random baseball teams are heading to Southeast Asia to play our national pastime. Yep, it’s definitely time for some Madness

no, not the 40+ year old ska band (but hey, they just put out a new album last year – good for them!) (wait…do we still say “album” or is that an old person term?) (how many parentheticals should one employ consecutively mid-sentence?) (four, I guess), but the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. Here at DFO we respect the ladies’ game with its crisp passing and Caitlins and sometimes-intentional bank shots, but this preview will focus on the men’s shindig. You need this information to win your illegal pools and to pay off any nine-figure fines you may owe the state of New York, so lap it up greedily but clean yourself when you’re done.

The last two years, this column has accurately predicted every game (editor’s note – let’s check this) (writer’s note – take a chance and roll with it, square), so you can rest assured this information is pure gold. We’re gonna preview each game SO HARD, so lie back and think of England…off we go!

EAST REGION

#1 Connecticut vs. #16 Stetson: An entire state versus a hat? That’s silly. Connecticut advances.

#8 Floriduh Atlantic vs. #9 Northwestern: The Owls surprised everyone and made the Final Four last year. But Owls are nocturnal and this is a day game. Northwestern wins despite being a vague direction instead of a college.

#5 San Diego State vs. #12 Alabama-Birmingham: This is a vibes pick. As in, I like fish tacos, and I don’t like when churches get bombed. Aztecs win a tight one.

#4 Auburn vs. #13 Yale: Charles Barkley went to Auburn, and George W. Bush went to Yale. So while Yale COULD USE an international airport, the pick is Auburn.

#6 BYU vs. #11 Duquesne: She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie…Duquesne. Wait, that’s an Eric Clapton song. He’s an ass. BYU wins here.

#3 Illinois vs. #14 Morehead State: Look, I get it. We all want Morehead. Heck, I’ve been clamoring for Morehead for years. If there’s one thing the guy on the other side of the screen in the confessional knows, it’s that I like Morehead. (Editor’s note – You mean the priest?) (Writer’s note – No, that pedo guy who gives out flatbread) But the Illini are just too creative (with basketball plays, not with team nicknames) and win.

#7 Washington State vs. #10 Drake: Passionate from miles away Passive with the things you say Passin’ up on my old ways I can’t blame you, no, no. Well this is stupid lyrically, so I can’t go with Drake. Go Cougs.

#2 Iowa State vs. #15 South Dakota State: South Dakota has this festival where a whole bunch of leather-bound bikers ride into a small town and look at each other’s hogs. Tolerant as I am, it still sounds like a bad time. Iowa State wins this.

#1 Connecticut vs. #9 Northwestern: Connecticut’s mascot is a Husky. We have a Husky. She’s insane and probably plotting my grisly death as I type this. You bettin against her? Neither am I. Connecticut advances.

#5 San Diego State vs. #4 Auburn: After spending a few days in Spokane, the kids from San Diego are ready to get back to their surfing and weed. Auburn takes this to avoid going back to Alabama.

#6 BYU vs. #3 Illinois: The BYU players are earnest and not hungover, but they worry about their wives and children at home. Illinois rolls.

#7 Washington State vs. #2 Iowa State: Washington State is one of two remaining teams in the Pac-12 (the others all found new homes). They can celebrate being king of all they survey except this particular basketball court. Iowa State wins easily.

#1 Connecticut vs. #4 Auburn: Auburn has played well to this point, but now they realize they’re merely a hair color of a middle-aged woman who’s pining for her 20’s. Connecticut rolls.

#3 Illinois vs. #2 Iowa State: The game devolves into fisticuffs as the kids from Champaign and Ames fight over which college town is more depressing. The Iowa State kids win the argument but not the game, as Illinois advances.

#1 Connecticut vs. #3 Illinois: Connecticut has more old money connections with which to pay the referees. Sorry, old Illinois chaps, back to the Central Time Zone where you belong. Connecticut reaches the Final Four.

WEST REGION

#1 North Carolina vs. #16 Howard Wagner: Don’t know much about this Howard Wagner guy, but North Carolina’s gonna kill him.

#8 Mississippi State vs. #9 Michigan State:  Mississippi State’s fans are known for ringing cowbells the whole game. That’s dumb as hell, so Michigan State wins.

#5 St. Mary’s vs. #12 Grand Canyon: I’ve seen the long twisting gash at the base of one of these. But I like a little mystery, so St. Mary’s is the pick.

#4 Alabama vs. #13 Charleston: Seems to me that Alabama was a popular country group years ago. Couldn’t name one of their songs, but maybe you could dance the Charleston to their music. Is this a good time to pick an upset? Sure, Charleston wins.

#6 Clemson vs. #11 New Mexico: Pretty cool that Mexico let us have the new version. I think it’s pretty much the same except no Cancun. Regardless, the Son of Clem is gonna feel the wrath of our new country-state. New Mexico takes it.

#3 Baylor vs. #14 Colgate: Don Baylor was the American League MVP in 1979 while playing for the Angels. It’s a shame that his namesake university hired Ken Starr to help cover up a bunch of campus rapes. Fortunately, Ken Starr is now dead. As for Colgate, they’re gonna get squeezed like a tube of something. Perhaps a tube of Crest? Yes, that works and rapey Baylor advances.

#7 Dayton vs. #10 Nevada: Did you know Dayton is a city in Ohio? That’s the kind of quality analysis you’d normally pay double for on those mainstream sports sites that hide inconvenient truths from patriots like you! Also, Nevada is a big state. You could drop several Ohios in there without so much as breaking a cactus. And thusly, Nevada will win.

#2 Arizona vs. #15 Long Beach State: Snoop D-o-double-g is from the LBC, but did not attend the LBSU. If he had, I’d be inclined to pick them. Because “Gin and Juice” is a jam. LAID BACK. Instead, Arizona will roll easily.

#1 North Carolina vs. #9 Michigan State: Oh, how the announcers will wax rhapsodic at this matchup. MICHAEL JORDAN. MAGIC JOHNSON. Ugh, I hate this game so much. North Carolina will win, but we all lose.

#5 St. Mary’s vs. #13 Charleston: Wait, I picked Charleston? Let that be a lesson – always buy name-brand cough syrup. St. Mary’s nickname is the Gaels, which is so much more progressive than their former nickname, the Straightels. So the Gaels get to advance.

#11 New Mexico vs. #3 Baylor: Writing about that asshole Ken Starr a few minutes ago made me really mad. So New Mexico wins this.

#10 Nevada vs. #2 Arizona: These two states touch each other right around Laughlin. If you’ve ever touched anyone in Laughlin I suggest you get tested right away. That place is to culture what Tucson is to, well, culture. You know, there are a lot of crap places in this country. Maybe we could trade one of the Dakotas for Liechtenstein. You ever seen Liechtenstein? It’s really pretty! Anyway, Arizona gets the W here.

#1 North Carolina vs. #5 St. Mary’s: This seems like a good spot for a #1 seed to crap its collective pants. Why? Because, that’s why. St Mary’s moves on.

#11 New Mexico vs. #2 Arizona: The 47th and 48th states admitted to the Union meet here to decide which one gets to stay. It’s the Desolate Bowl, sponsored by Capital One. What’s in your wallet? (None of your business, can’t-keep-an-Affleck lady) Arizona wins this game because of having the higher score.

#5 St. Mary’s vs. #2 Arizona: This game would be played on Easter weekend. St. Mary’s will miss the game because they spend all morning trying to find a church, Advantage, and a trip to the Final Four, goes to public school Arizona.

SOUTH REGION

#1 Houston vs. #16 Longwood: Heh, “Longwood” – get it? That’s funny stuff. Long. Wood. Wait…their nickname is the Lancers? You gonna Lance me with your Long Wood? Can’t really pick against Houston here, despite the threatening penises.

#8 Nebraska vs. #9 Texas A&M: Did you know Texas just instituted a “show me your papers” law? Pretty cool. Nebraska will win this.

#5 Wisconsin vs. #12 James Madison: So here we have a bunch of bloated cheese-stuffed cow tippers playing against our shortest president. James Madison was only 5’4″ but I’ll bet he had mad hops. I saw a touring company’s version of Hamilton, and I don’t remember if Madison had any part in that. Better pick him to win, just in case. James Madison advances.

#4 Duke vs. #13 Vermont: Look, we all hate Duke. It’s fine. No need to feel bad about it. They’re like USC with shitty weather. But I just can’t pick Vermont here. Mainly because I’m not entirely sure it’s a real place. Duke advances.

#6 Texas Tech vs. #11 North Carolina State: Jim Valvano coached the 1983 North Carolina State team to an upset win in the finals of that year’s tournament. It was inspiring to teenage me, showing that if you never give up and believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. Then Jim Valvano died and North Carolina State never won another damned thing and I spent high school eating lunch at the virgin table. So to hell with NC State; Texas Tech advances.

#3 Kentucky vs. #14 Oakland: So this Oakland is in Michigan. There should be a law against cities impersonating other bigger cities. Like, did you know how Portland Oregon got its name? Two guys moved West and founded the town; one was from Portland (Maine) and wanted to name it thusly, and the other was from Boston and wanted to do likewise. So they settled it by flipping a coin. Just imagine, we were a “Tails” away from having a bunch of annoying Bostonians on the West Coast. Anyway, Kentucky wins.

#7 Floriduh vs. #10 Boise State or Colorado: Floriduh sucks. I mean, maybe the team’s decent, ain’t none of my business. But the state is unnecessary. The winner of the play-in game will beat Floriduh.

#2 Marquette vs. #15 Western Kentucky: When I need beer or pickles, I go to a superMarquette. It’s convenient and I appreciate the value and good service. By contrast, there is no need to go to Western Kentucky for anything other than an attractive cousin with loose morals. So Marquette wins.

#1 Houston vs. #8 Nebraska: Houston used to have an NFL football team called the Oilers. Then the Oilers moved to Tennessee and became the Titans, Remember the Titans? Anyway. Supposedly, Houston got another team called the Texans, but that’s a stupid name so it’s probably not real. HURR DURR WE NAMED OUR TEAM THE TEXANS BECAUSE IT’S TEXAS DURR HURPADURP. And yet, that’s still a more interesting story than anything that’s ever happened in Nebraska (save maybe the BTK killer). So Houston wins.

#12 James Madison vs. #4 Duke: What a great matchup. Not because of basketball, but because James Madison’s nickname is the Dukes. SO WE HAVE THE DUKES VERSUS DUKE. This is all too stupid, so let’s take the plural. James Madison moves ahead.

#6 Texas Tech vs. #3 Kentucky: Neil Diamond had a song called Kentucky Woman. Pretty good song. I have no idea if anyone ever sang about Lubbock, Texas, but rest assured if such a song existed it would be the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked. “Your Lubbock eyes speak to my heart, I’m holding in a broccoli fart” or some twangy bullshit like that. Gross. Kentucky wins.

#2 Marquette vs. #10 Boise State/Colorado: Seems unfair to have two teams playing against one, but that’s the wacky NCAA for you. Let’s go with the combo platter. BoiseRado advances.

#1 Houston vs. #12 James Madison: This seems like a good spot for our 250 year old short president to rest. Great work, Mr. Madison. Now walk into the lake with stones in your pocket like a dignified colonist. Houston wins here.

#3 Kentucky vs. #10 BoiseRado: This weird amalgam team can’t possibly keep functioning like this. At some point, ten players is just too many to run an efficient offense. So despite being toothless and bourbon-drunk, Kentucky gets the win.

#1 Houston vs. #3 Kentucky: You know that song by Led Zeppelin called The Crunge? It’s kind of a funky tribute to James Brown. It’s pretty cool. It ties into this game in an unexpected way, in that I don’t know what I expected when I started typing this sentence. Kentucky advances to the Final Four.

MIDWEST REGION

#1 Purdue vs. #16 Montana State/Grambling: Grambling sounds like a portmanteau where you were roaming aimlessly while playing blackjack. Like, Bob Seger’s first hit song was Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man, and he totally could’ve saved time by singing Gramblin’ Man instead. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to do all those Chevy commercials in the 80’s. LIKE A ROCK, STRONG AS I COULD BE. Ha, now it’s your earworm. In any case, Purdue wins easily.

#8 Utah State vs. #9 TCU: You know what’s nice? After all this typing, I get a school called TCU. Simple, three letters long. And they’re the Horned Frogs, which is fun! And their primary team color is purple! Ok, sold, TCU wins here.

#5 Gonzaga vs. #12 McNeese: The 12 seed used to be called McNeese State, and now they’re just McNeese. Budget cuts are a bitch. Can’t really pick a team that can’t afford to keep a State. Gonzaga moves on.

#4 Kansas vs. #13 Samford: Keep in mind, this is SAMFORD, not STANFORD, not SANFORD (and/or Son), just SAMFORD. They’re a gutty little bunch of overachievers, which is the kind of thing you say when you don’t know squat about the team or the school or really anything at all. So I guess Kansas wins.

#6 South Carolina vs. #11 Oregon: When I was a kid, I heard a joke that went something like: What’s better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ. I didn’t get it then, but I laughed anyway because I was unpopular enough as it was. Now that many years have passed, I think I get the joke. It has to do with Kierkegaard .and his existentialist views in a modern world and the irony inherent therein. It’s a good joke, so Oregon wins.

#3 Creighton vs. #14 Akron: A bleak matchup between Nebraska and Ohio schools. Yikes. Well, let’s break it down. Akron is known as the Zips. Creighton is known as the Barrels. I enjoy mid-quality glassware, so Creighton takes it.

#7 Texas vs. #10 Virginia/Colorado State: Man, these NCAA guys really don’t like our Rocky Mountain State, making both Colorado and Colorado State play in the early games. Then again, they say Texas is only known for two things: Steers and Mr. Belvederes. Did you know the actor who played Mr. Belvedere once accidentally sat on his balls and missed filming for a few days? Ha, only in Texas, so they win.

#2 Tennessee vs. #15 St. Peters: Fun fact: St. Peter was the Catholic Church’s first Pope, and he was crucified upside-down. He apparently didn’t feel worthy to die the same way Jesus did, so he requested the inverted pike with the half-twist. Just kidding, they barely even had diving boards back in those days. Pools were also sadly waterslide-free. All this is to say that Tennessee wins.

#1 Purdue vs. #9 TCU: Purdue or TCU? Is it me or you? Whatever we do, know our love is true. That’s from my upcoming album titled Songs About Things and it will be on Tidal, streamable exclusively for Apple Newtons. Let’s take Purdue in this game.

#5 Gonzaga vs. #4 Kansas: Legend has it that if you get sucked up into a tornado in Kansas, you’ll wake to find yourself surrounded by little people in pancake makeup. That sounds horrible, yet still better than the alternative (being in Kansas). Gonzaga advances.

#11 Oregon vs. #3 Creighton: I think Oregon will stiffen and play in spurts and play beyond their seed and come correct. Luckily they’re not playing Longwood. So Oregon moves on and gets to rest.

#7 Texas vs. #2 Tennessee: The rap group Arrested Development had a hit song with Tennessee back in the day. That was a good song. Pretty much everything else they did was preachy and terrible. Meanwhile, Texas has Ted Cruz. So Tennessee wins.

#1 Purdue vs. #5 Gonzaga: The Big Ten is so pathetic they had to import USC and UCLA. Based on this scientific data, Gonzaga will win.

#11 Oregon vs. #2 Tennessee: I think we’ve played with Oregon long enough. Starting to go blind. Tennessee advances.

#5 Gonzaga vs, #2 Tennessee: This is a tough one, but when in doubt, we always go with the school that doesn’t employ (as many) kiddie touchers, so Tennessee is the pick to make the Final Four.

FINAL FOUR

#1 Connecticut vs. #2 Arizona: Did you know Connecticut has the country’s best pizza? Well, if you meet someone from Connecticut, you’ll know that within 15 seconds. Because otherwise the only thing Connecticut is known for is being Massachusetts’ taint. So sure, Arizona is a desert hellscape that’s a small drought away from going full-on Mad Max, but it’s still interesting enough to win here. Arizona makes the finals.

#3 Kentucky vs. #2 Tennessee: Someday I’d like to attend the Kentucky Derby, despite having to physically be in that state. I have less than zero interest in penetrating Tennessee. Maybe Beale Street is cool, but the rest of the state is white people who got priced out of Orange County. Gross. Kentucky advances to the finals.

#2 Arizona vs. #3 Kentucky: Congratulations to the Wildcats on winning the 2024 NCAA Basketball Championship!

Enjoy the games and tip your waitresses!