That’s right, today we celebrate poles of all persuasions: beanpoles, foulpoles, magnetic poles, fishing poles, Warsaw Poles and even (shockingly) Ryan Poles. But not William de la Pole, you dumb late-medieval bastard.

-First, the most surprising one: Ryan Poles. Rating a team’s off-season during training camp is only slightly stupider than Instant Draft Grades: you may be able to see a trend, a good start/bad start situation, but it’s way too early to start giving congratulatory handjobs yet.

However: it has been a very long time since I’ve seen my Bear Fan Friends have a legitmate gleam of hope in their eyes. At least, seen that gleam without the haunted, desperate madness of a cult member who desperately Needs to Believe.

And yet here we are. No one I know is expecting the New Look Offense to take the world by storm out of the gate. Caleb Williams has looked a little shakey against the blitz in practice, and DJ Moore is paying more attention to Keenan Allen’s contract than the playbook.

But Williams and fellow rookie Rome Odunze look like an excellent match. Everyone’s feeling warm and fuzzy with Devin Hester and Steve McMichael getting into the Hall of Fame last weekend. Yes, it took the sheer incompetence of the Carolina Panthers front office, but Poles may have finally set the Bears on a sustainable upward path.

-Second, Anthony Ammirati. “Hard luck” always plays a part at the Olympics, but seldom as literal a part as for Monsieur Ammirati. The 21 year old pole vaulter, a former Under 20 World Champion, went down to an ignominious defeat on home ground, finishing a heartbreaking 15th.

Well, I say “ignominious”. But if you are going to fail at your sport’s highest level in front of the whole world on television, “because your schlong was too big” is probably the best possible reason.

Wikipedia, in its typically staid style, put it thusly:

Ammirati qualified for the 2024 Summer Olympics; however, he failed to advance to the finals when he did not successfully execute the clearance phase of the vault.

“Did not successfully execute the clearance phase” is up there with “rapid unscheduled disassembly” in terms of underplaying the reality. He ran. He hefted his pole, planted it in the “box” (Jesus, this is dirty already) and soared skyward in a balletic launch-spin weirdness that beggars belief.

Then his dick hit the crossbar.

Turns out you can’t do that. Bar came down, all of Ammirati’s brilliant work with his pole undone by his…other…pole.

Ammirati is reluctant to talk about this, and I get it- a significant portion of his life was spent training for this event. But you are 21 year old handsome Frenchman and the world is talking about how grande is your croissant. Maybe look at the silver lining here?

-Texas assistant head football coach and his girlfriend Danielle Thomas got hitched recently. What does this have to do with poles? Why, the most recent Mrs. Banks is none other than the infamous Pole Assassin, whose stripping adventures with her emotional support capuchin Gia ranged from Jerry Springer to the infamous Halloween Monkey Biting Child incident. That saga remains one of the highlights of my time writing for you sorry little ingrates. So I was going to congratulate Mr. and Mrs. Pole Assassin.

UNTIL I READ THAT GIA WAS NOT INVITED TO THE WEDDING.

Listen, I can’t speak for others. My wedding was one of the four happiest days of my life (wedding, two births and the Four Seasons Total Landscaping fiasco). But even happy days can take a huge emotional toll. If there was ever a day that you would need your emotional support simian (“ESS”), wedding is up near the tippy fucking top of the list.

Plus, Gia is the sole reason you’re famous. That’s gotta earn a spot as Flower Monkey at the very least.

NFL NEWS:

-We are finally on AiyukWatch 2024, with the 49ers giving Brandon Aiyuk permission to negotiate trades and contracts with other teams. Details are sketchy, but the Browns and Patriots are confirmed as bidders with Pittsburgh as a dark horse. All deals are presumed to include at least one “high” draft pick as well as an immediate replacement at wideout- Amari Cooper for the Browns, Kendrick Bourne for the Patriots, and presumably George Pickens from the Steelers. All of these represent an immediate downgrade for San Francisco in a year that they need to make the Super Bowl before the roster self-destructs. Pickens is inconsistent. Bourne is WR1 in New England only due to the convention that you can’t have a depth chart that lists everyone as WR4. Cooper is fine but is a free agent after this year, making him either an extremely pricey rental or (if extended) as expensive as Aiyuk, only older and slower.

I referred to John Lynch as the Mr. Magoo of NFL GMs, and I stand by that. If they hadn’t lucked into Brock Purdy, SF would be in the midst of another rebuild and likely a coaching search. You pay the man his money in April and none of this shit is an issue.

-Giants’ Daniel Jones and Malik Nabers starting fights with the Lions in consecutive days of joint practice. No doubt New Jersey Meatheads are reveling in this show of “grit” “fire” or “attitude”. But you know what they say: it’s all fun and games until someone’s kneecaps get eaten.

WHAT TO WATCH TONIGHT

Logan!

I have not seen Deadpool and Wolverine, because I have not earned that treat yet. But Logan is a genuinely moving meditation on aging, regret, what it means to be a father (biological or otherwise) and the stains that won’t wash off.

I don’t mind saying I cried during the last 15 minutes. Laura screaming “Daddy” in her first display of anything other than Aloofness or Rage. “So this is what it feels like.” “No more guns in the valley.”

Plus, you know- snicksnick