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Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 6, 2016

King Hippo

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Be warned – I feel like shit physically, and am still uber depressed from JV Saturday. Kinda mailing it in this week. Fleeting hope is just the fucking worst. I fucking know better.

Your top story has to be DAK! shitting all over the Favrenis slurpfest. It’s a clear 2-team party with Dallas and Minny in the NFC, as long as the meddling hands of ol’ Double J (“But he’s a GODDDAMNED STAR!!”) stay firmly planted on stripper tits where they belong. World’s greatest ham-headed rookie finally throws a pick (he’s human!…ish) but not before breaking Dreamboat’s record. DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK! Say it loud, say it proud! And yes, this version of the contending Green Bay Packers is official dead.

Despite only 3 games going on in the late window, it also featured the other game between pretty decent teams, with Atlanta furiously coming back against the Legion of Meh in the Pacific Northwest. Inspired by his (and my) alma mater, Steven Hauschka then tried mightily to give the game away when Seattle pushed back…but his third chance was the charm, as was the apparent suspension of pass interference rules in the final two minutes. Still, each of these teams look like probable pesky opponents for the Vikes and Pokes in the Divisional round.

A lot of good sides had the week off, and the Donks played (badly) on Thursday, so there were a lot of turds out there today. Sorry.

Speaking of turds, Dreamboat had little trouble pulling away from the striped pylons in the second half. Turd of equal measure Chip Kelly got plastered by Buffalo behind Shady’s monster performance. A little Karma for the universe, I guess. Kaep did ok.

Oakland had the chance to take over sole possession of first in the AFC West, and aside from their very first possession, shat all over themselves in a dreary home loss to the Chefs. Don’t look now, but Andy Reid and Tiny Hands are only a half game back!

The Iggles got two D/ST scores, and still lost 27-20 to the Kirk Cousins-led Redacteds. Playing without Jordan Reed. Yeah, that Prague Spring of competence is over.

Speaking of shameful performances, the Yinzers got the chance to play before their South Florida retiree fan contingent and got their TannyFannies whipped. It was all downhill after their early, cheeky two-point conversion. As a Le’Veon Bell fantasy owner, I would like to see Boss Todd drawn and quartered.

Fixture of the day? RAM IT! taking on the Lions in the Silverdome. Again, these are all professional footballists and you just never fucking know. Golden Taint decides to show up, and show up big, after every sane fantasy owner in the world has benched him. Did you know that fucking Detroit hadn’t given up a rushing TD all season, until Case Tapdancing Keenum bootlegged one in today? At 3-3, Los Angeles is right back where a Jeff Fisher team should be. Keenum was very good in defeat, which balances out what happened in Weeks 1-4.

Oh, Bearistocrats! (h/t, Old School Zero) Allowing a ginormous comeback AT HOME to the Jaguars is about as low as it gets. Abandon all hope ye who enter Soldier Field. Unless you are Cameron Meredith, apparently. Who the hell is that fucking guy? 11 for 113??

Speaking of New Wave AFC South contenders, the Titans are back to .500 after recovering the 2nd of 2 Factory on-siders. That…isn’t super impressive, but Marcus Mariota had a very good game for the 2nd week in a row, so there is something to build on. Still a more interesting team than either SNF participant.

PRO TIP – Not covering Odell Beckham, Jr. once is pretty fucking stupid, but TWICE, including with a 3 point lead and a minute and change to play…that’s a paddlin’ IMO. These are parallel shitshow teams, and each had 100+ penalty yards. It was a matter of who fucked up badly enough last. Neither belongs in the playoffs, that’s fer sure.

Saints and Panthers is an absolute shootout, raise your hand if ya saw that coming. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law, wins it with a 52-yard sidewinder at the very end. Carolina goes from mostly to fully dead, as the Superb Owl loser jinx grows in legend.

It is the 2-minute warning of the 2nd quarter of the SNF insomnia cure, and Brock Lobster just keeps getting worse and worse. Dumb lug Bill O’Brien should have stayed with Team Bad Touch, I guess. MORNING UPDATE: Yes, it’s true. The Humps’ D surrendered two scores in the final 3:00 and lost in OT. I watched it, and I’m not sure how it happened, either.

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Unsurprised

It's demoralizing for unemployed people to see that Jeff Triplette has a job and they don't— James Hell Brooks (@BobbyBigWheel) October 16, 2016

Meanwhile, the air in my apartment is toxic because I’ve been abusing the fuck out of my new rice cooker.

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Shogun Marcus

Moderation?!?! What in the ACTUAL F@$K?!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Easy there Skippy; the site has some software that catches spambots, but also catches a few stray posts. On another note; if anyone deserves moderation it’s me;

http://memecrunch.com/meme/150UH/yeah-if-you-could-stop-posting/image.png

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...

You are like a superbug that laughs at our puny, overused antibiotics!

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Sill Bimmons

MOORSA

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Shogun Marcus

Hola peeps! Aside from a few missing pictures and editing, I’m ready to send in the thing I sentcha! So…how/where do I do it? To Dad?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Wanna send it to me? I’ll email you shortly.

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Shogun Marcus

It’s almost done. It’s a google doc? S’alright?

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entropy

I watched maybe 30 minutes of football yesterday, as it was an absurdly beautiful day and I felt like being outside for it… seeing as the Jets are going to piss me off tonight, the recharge was probably necessary. Now, it’s damn near 80 outside and I’m sitting in my office wondering how I can duck out early and get started on the drinking.

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jjfozz

I missed the Ravens’ flight in to BWI and was not able to shoot Harbaugh in the crotch with a pumpkin cannon.

Never fear, I’ll track down that greasy bastard soon. And say, “Harbs could you please stop the dick measuring contest when you’re on the field and making play calls that make no sense to even a goldfish? Save it for when you and The Ben are hanging out. Literally.”

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Unsurprised

In Baltimore, shooting someone in the crotch with a pumpkin cannon is known as an October Surprise.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t want to like that, but godammit that was funny.

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Doktor Zymm

“And Harbaugh is asking for a measurement…he’s gesturing the chains towards his crotch”

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Sill Bimmons

Here’s a thought.

Was the term “locker room talk” entirely invented by movies and the teevee?

Here’s Howard Stern on the subject:

“This idea of ‘locker room talk’… all the times I’ve been around guys ― and, believe me, when I’m around guys 85 percent of the times you’re talking about pussy ― but I have never been in the room when someone has said ‘grab them by the pussy,” Stern said. “No one’s ever advocated going that step where you get a little bit, ‘Hey I’m going to invade someone’s space.’ … A lot of [locker room talk is] real kind of desperate talk. The reason it’s in a locker room is because no one’s proud of it.”

Yeah…no. Call me crazy, but I’m fairly confident that Howard Stern was not a high school or college athlete, which is the “locker room” situation I think most people mentally associate with the term. Maybe the situation was different for gym class or is different when you’re in a health club surrounded by other dirty old men, but the fact remains that very few people who have ever actually been in the “locker room” report doing anything other than getting the hell out of there ASAP, eyes planted firmly on the floor.

So where, then, does this idea come from? Hollywood. Think of how much locker room time is featured in films and TV shows about sports. It’s fucking absurd, and it is a shining example of what happens when writers don’t know what they’re talking about so they just make shit up. It’s like the Big Bang Theory: none of those writers are hyper-intelligent nerds so they go into what they think being a nerd must be like and PRESTO! stupid, poorly conceived comedy show premise executed stupidly and poorly.

Most of the writers on sports films were likely never athletes either so they draw upon anecdotes and imagination rather than experience, and it’s why 99% of sports films also suck.

This has to be the origin of the term because it doesn’t derive from reality in the slightest.

PS–Howard Stern is a coward and a fraud if he doesn’t play back those Trump interviews live on the air.

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King Hippo

and in “Six Seconds of Panic” NPR ‘Business of Sports’ guy Stefon Fatsis rightly noted the depth and layers of philosophy within many an NFL player, after having the shit beat out of him FOAR a living. The notion of “pussy grabbing cavemen” is really just a figment of societal/Hollwoo imagination, except in Donald’s non-athletic ass’ case.

Like that former MIN/OAK punter who’s written for Deadspin and Esquire, etc. said the other day, “I played a few seasons with a guy who turned out to be a serial rapist, and even he never talked like that.”

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jjfozz

I had the same conversation with my wife – she said, “I know you say stuff when you’re talking to your friends.” And I said, “Yeah I do, but I never talk about physically assaulting women.”

She’s a big time republican, and I loathe politics. And she had no comeback for that.

Then I said, “you go get in that kitchen and make me a lasagna, with some garlic bread, and a nice salad with olive oil and vinegar. Maybe some meatballs. You capice?”

Then she pummeled me with an empty beer bottle.

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Unsurprised

At least it was empty

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...

Yeah, it’s how few people can separate the idea of men talking bluntly about sex and women’s bodies and men talking about assaulting women. Then again, so many of the people defending Trump fail to consider a woman’s wishes actually matter, so being unable to see that distinction shouldn’t surprise.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The most ridiculous part of it to me is now that women have come out and confirmed that he did the things he said he did, he’s calling them liars.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, those ones are the liars but the ones getting paid by the GOP that are Clinton accusers are all right.

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Shogun Marcus

I respect her restraint.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She is being practical; his asshole is still very tender from the last time he said something like that.

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jjfozz

Male spousal abuse is no JOKE!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Angry pegging is pretty funny tho.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Agreed. I was a below-Magary quality athlete in high school, which gave me access to locker rooms at their most juvenile, and I have also belonged to gyms shitty and hoity-toity as an adult. In the former, the locker room talk was muted complaints about the coaches, what are you doing this weekend, and the occasional “you like free CDs? SEE DEEZ NUTS” idiocy. Never anything close to the Trumpkin’s horrible assertions. In the latter, it was avert your eyes and get in and out of there quicker than a premature ejaculator, except for the old men flopping around and talking about golf and randomness akin to this:

http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/minor_differences2/7.png

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At one gym I belonged to for years there was one old guy that seemed to be in the locker/sauna constantly. He had what could be best described as a fat apron and he’d always talk. That was one fucking interesting ceiling in that place. Apparently his wife was much the same.

I never saw what several women told me about was women shaving de pubes in the sink.

OK, time for lunch, people!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

mmmmmmmmmmm cottage cheese!

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Unsurprised

I had to own the reality of being the smallest-dicked man in the lockers at my gym thanks to losing my towel to someone else showering and the shelf of towels being completely empty. So I had to stand around naked for five-ten minutes before I got a towel, but after that I just figured “fuck it.”

Still, the guy drying his balls with the hair dryer was universally deemed the worst.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unfortunately I agree with HS on this having been in “locker rooms” JHS, HS, college, and gyms, no one ever talked about forcing yourself on women. Even highly disrespectful language was called out by “DUDE! WTF?” The jokes usually ran with plenty of mom and sister jokes. One place in particular several of us would joke about “HEY SEXY; YO PANTIES IS COMIN’ DOOOOOOOOOWN”; this was used as a source of both laughter and making the other people (tennis or sauna guys) uncomfortable. The most prevalent being “THAT’S NOT WHAT YOUR MOM/ SISTER SAID!’ or “THAT’S NOT WHAT SHEEEEEEE SAID!”

Clinton has little self awareness or sense of irony, but holy shit, this dude is from a different universe.

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Doktor Zymm

What happened to Carolina in the off season? Is this the Curse of Jerry Richardson’s Statue?

I’m actually really looking forward to the Thanksgiving games this year. Well, except for Steelers @ Indy, that’ll probably be trash, but it’s the night game so I’m sure we’ll all be drunk and asleep by then.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Are you trying to say that I really missed on my lazily researched season prediction (11-5)? Not that you’d be wrong, but I feel the need to be offended anyway.
😉

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Sill Bimmons

They only brought back 3/5 of the defense.

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...

But three doesn’t divide evenly into elev–OHHHHHHH I get it now.

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Sill Bimmons

I would have said 33/55, but that’s just an appeal to the lowest common denominator.

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blaxabbath

I was just perusing the highlights of yesterday’s action and I’m getting more out of watching the fans than I am the game tape.

Also, I appreciate how the NFL has gotten the networks in line re: poor officiating. Through last season, it seemed to be worth talking about when the refs screwed the pooch. Maybe it’s the election season but the sports media is now firmly ingrained in the “call on the field is right” commentary and if you don’t agree with it, you’re just a cynical nihilist. I mean, if the viewers at home think it’s so easy, then they can go out there and call the games. Until then, they need to shut up and appreciate what the fine sponsors of the NFL give them, right Joe Buck?

comment image

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ballsofsteelandfury

Even the blatant PI at the end of the Seattle-Atlanta game got a cursory “they got away with one there” while the Falcons coach was ranting and raving. And then they went into “well, they shouldn’t have put themselves in that situation” which is like blaming a rape victim.

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King Hippo

I also want to take a moment and defend Hue Jackson and the Factory. I heartily SUPPORT going for 2 earlier rather than later, when you know you’ll need it eventually. Why? DUH – if you miss, at least you KNOW you need two scores instead of one and can plan/panic accordingly. Like the double onsides kick thingy, which ALMOST worked.

If you wait until the end…it usually too late.

What’s the best reason to kick the single first? It keeps the suspense alive for the viewer. That’s about it. I guess arguably, you can say it keeps “pressure on the opponent” but that’s some very vague bullshit right there. I don’t buy it.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I normally castigate Hue relentlessly because he takes too many chances, but in this case I agree with your assessment completely – going for two in that situation is 100% the right thing to do.

Sooner or later one of Hue’s crazy gambles is actually going to pay off, and I’m going to be a little bit sad, because that hypocritical sack of shit said he was going to “take a stand” against domestic violence then went ahead and brought in Art Fucking Briles as a consultant. Fuck Hue. I hope the Browns go 0-16 this season and keep him on for another year and go 0-16 again.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He has nothing to work with. The second part; sure.

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Unsurprised

A shootout in New Orleans? But I thought Katrina washed away all the criminal scum.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [upon waking up] You know, one of the nice things about the presidential election is that Trump isn’t suddenly going to score two touchdowns in a row and make a game out of this.

[checks news, sees that Trump is within two points in latest poll, starts hyperventilating]

[realizes that the poll is by Rasmussen]

[relaxes]

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...

Yeah, just follow Sam Wang’s site and you’ll feel fine.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[accidentally googles “Sam’s Wang”]

[instead of feeling reassured, now feels tremendously inadequate]

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Horatio Cornblower

MSNBC has Clinton up 11, if that makes you feel any better.

I will feel either better or suicidal on 11/9.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know better than to fall for Rassmussen’s schtick. He’ll call it close (no matter what his actual numbers say) until the last week or so before the election, at which point he’ll creep back and get as close to the true result as he can.

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...

Oh, Bearistocrats! (h/t, Old School Zero) Allowing a ginormous comeback AT HOME to the Jaguars is about as low as it gets. Abandon all hope ye who enter Soldier Field.

Let’s be honest, there’s little hope outside Soldier Field either.

https://twitter.com/DavidSharp_11/status/787767956935704576

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Enrico Pallazzo

How many goddamn times are the Packers going to honor the Land Baron anyway? They do it every other game now. They’re running out of reasons. I think yesterday was “Bart Starr made it through this past week…HERE’S BRETT FAVRE!!!”

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LemonJello

They’re waiting on his Croc’s to come back from being bronzed, so, at least one more time?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fuck the fucking Colts. Thanks to their defense deciding to let Lamar Miller look like Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson for one shining moment (and then continuing to collapse in a spectacular display of incompetence) the one single bright spot in my weekend – a fantasy game where I had a thirty point cushion with only Fitty left to face – is in jeapordy.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m good with any reason to say “Fuck the fucking Colts”.
Carry on, Sir.

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Horatio Cornblower

I suspect that most of my “Cowboys at the bye” post is going to consist of the sort of threats against JJ that will get me a visit from the FBI.

If that fucker puts Romo back in as starter on an 8-1, 7-2 team I will not be held responsible for my actions.

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King Hippo

Bearistocrats! shadow GMs – would you take a 6th round pick FOAR Catler, or do you hold out for a 5th rounder?

This Donks fan wants him back in time for Chargers re-match. OH YEAH!!!

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Don T

I’d rather have the PHI Prague Spring of Competence than the Zeke Velvet Revolution (sponsored by DAK).
Get better soon KH.

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King Hippo

Thanks, man. Mostly STRESS MIGRAINES, fucking house that won’t sell. It’s just really fucking big, but not overly fancy, so it’s in a weird spot for the market.

IDEAL FOAR HIDING FROM 3+ FERAL YOUNG CHILL’UNS ,, ppl forget that

Looking forward to NOT AT ALL RAYCESS taeks when Tony gets his helmet back about “if the Pokes could just have DAK!’s body and Tony’s brain” as if DAK!’s brain hasn’t been the most impressive part of his overall play so far. And Tony’s IQ….uh….

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theeWeeBabySeamus

He just needs to get fellated. Then he be OK.
I’ve offered, but he keeps telling me he likes girls.

Hippo, it’s all the same with your eyes closed. Call me.

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Don T

This on all pulse points helps as well.
comment image
Not judging, just lending a hand.

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King Hippo

With The Ben The Out, I have to debate moving next week’s Survivor from GB to NE. But I HATE picking road teams. Just HATE it.

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ballsofsteelandfury

If you don’t take New England next week, you are the type of guy that will say no to this:

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/mltmp.gif

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King Hippo

ok FINE. Your shaming worked. Hee hee.

/I really, really wanted to say FUCK YES on Tom Hanks’ behalf, or at least get in there as a drugged up Marvin the magical sexual mule

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Unsurprised

I don’t know if I could ever bet on NE even to save my own dick.

That’s not fair though. It’s not like I use it.

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Unsurprised

The screenwriter must have a crotch smoother than a ken doll to write that shit.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have never been so relieved to have skipped watching a Bears game as I was yesterday. Beat by the Jaguras and the turf monster? :shame:

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Fleeting hope is just the fucking worst.

You have no idea how happy I am I could only keep up, just barely, with the score via spotty cell coverage. When the VT dude called his buddy for me for an update (which seriously was nice of him…mtn folk be all great and shit when they ain’t raping you anally) and he told me we were driving for the winning FG, I said “No, we aren’t…trust me”.

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ballsofsteelandfury

You guys are cute with your “hope”. I have completely disavowed my alma mater, UCLA, and am now legitimately surprised when they do a good.

In other news, it was a nice season while it lasted. RIP GREY PENIS!

Just like the old gypsy woman said!!

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LemonJello

RIP GREY PENIS – GAME TIME DECISION

-NFL injury report

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Unsurprised

http://replygif.net/i/221.gif

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Sill Bimmons

DNP: RIPPED GREY PENIS

-NFL game summary

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