Hey there. I didn’t know you were awake.

Yeah, last season was great. We laughed. We cried. That thing you did with the new kickoff rule? Yeah, that was…no one has ever done that to me before.

Where am I going? Oh, nowhere. I was just very quietly putting on my pants and shoes before I went…to the kitchen. To make you breakfast in bed. I always wear my shoes to go to the kitchen…

Listen, that was so fun. And I’d like to see you again for more Hot Pigskin Action.

But maybe we should slow things down a little. I’ve got a lot going on with the rapid implosion of the American body politic, and some really busy weeks at work. And I know you are busy with your combine and your draft and deciding how openly you want to mouth-service the ascendant openly-bigotted power structure.

So why don’t I call you in like…July? You can tell me all about those mini-camps you were talking about. It’ll be fun.

Have you seen my keys, by the way?

NFL NEWS: Not much but the Expected and the Inevitable

-RIP Virginia McCaskey. In an era marked by the increasing corporatization and hedgefundification of NFL ownership, you preserved an older form: crumbling hereditary monarchy. A huge cast of failsons. Incompetent courtiers each vying to become The Power Behind The Throne, only for each one to be executed in increasingly ruthless manners when they cannot fulfill their promises. Sending out armies of young men to die on the field without the least hope of effective generalship. Fuckin’ Merovingian up in this piece…

-Kellen Moore took the Saints head coaching job. Credit where credit is due: Moore has run a bunch of offenses that rack up impressive numbers. The only years where he hasn’t had a top 10 offense are 2020 and 2023, when his star quarterbacks (Justin Herbert and pre-expiration-date Dak) were injured for large parts of the season. Good thing he’s got [looks at Saints depth chart] Derek Carr’s corpse and Spencer Rattler to work with.

-Brick Johnson has fired Aaron Rodgers. Or maybe Aaron Glenn drove him away by insisting no more Pat McAfee Show appearances. Or maybe Aaron is seeking to complete The Final Favre and heads to Minny (having already jumped ahead to Revealing He Is Human Trash).

Regardless, the funniest thing he could do now is retire- his cap hit would go from $14 million (assuming post-June 1 cut) to $49 million, promptly erasing the Jets cap room entirely. As with most things Rodgers, even the funny things aren’t really funny. Davante Adams isn’t sticking around without Rodgers, and cutting or trading Adams will save them $30 million. Alas.

WHAT TO WATCH:

Sirens!

Starring That Guy! And That Other Guy! And Bill Nunn!

Like Formula 51, this is one that I seem to be the only one whose ever heard of it, let alone enjoys it. Despite Denis Leary being involved as a producer, it has more of a Rated R Scrubs feel than anything else. Plus, Lawn Darts!