It’s Alright, Ma- I’m Only Bleeding: Tuesday Open Thread

Ok. There’s officially Too Fucking Much Going On Right Now.

Politically, the “Flood the Zone With Criminal Actions” plan has been wildly successful from my point of view. Even my deep reserves of molten fury are being taxed.

Also, Dr. Mrs. Mayhem is out of town for the second work week in a row, leaving your Supreme Spiritual Leader at the mercy of the cute-but-ravening horde who have the misfortune of being my children.

So it is a hell of a time for NFL Free Agency to invite itself in and plop it’s dirty boots on my mental couch. I’m busy processing the implications of Geno Smith: Desert Savior when suddenly Aaron Rodgers is playing footsie with both the Giants and the Steelers. Then the Other Bosa goes to Santa Clara, Milton Williams shits on the Panthers for Patriots, and Daniel Jones is in an honest-to-God quarterback competition in Indy. And that’s 24 hours into PRE-free agency.

I am a shit-disturber, not an analyst. However, since I agreed to write a regular football-ish column, I am bound by obligation to Have Instant Taeks. So here are Rev’s Football Feels:

LOVED: Sam Darnold to Seahawks. They got him kinda cheap, and he gets to show that last year’s success wasn’t wholly due to an amazing group of receivers and great offensive line. Because he doesn’t have either of those in Seattle.

HATED: DK Metcalf to Pittsburgh. If Chicago is where good receivers go to die, Pittsburgh is where they go to get their brains melted. Antonio Brown, Plaxico Burress, Martavis Bryant, George Pickens, Dionte Johnson…you gotta go back to Hines Ward to see a high-performing Steeler wideout who wasn’t Deeply Disordered. DK doesn’t deserve that, no matter how much money they’e giving him.

PUZZLED: Everyone jumping ship in San Francisco, except the guys they pushed out of the boat. We knew some guys were gonna leave, but between trades (Deebo) cuts (Kyle Juszcyzk, Leonard Floyd) and free agents who are definitively Gone (Dre Greenlaw, Mooney Ward, Aaron Banks, Talanoa Hufanga, etc.) the Niners may be turning over half their starters. Whereas a lot of teams are re-signing their own, nobody seems to want to stay in Santa Clara.

LOVED: Zach Wilson to Miami. Has there ever been a better city-player Vibe Pairing? I think not.

HATED: Mack Hollins to New England. Mack Hollins is cool. Mack Hollins is fun. Mack Hollins is a board-certified Different Kind of Cat. New England is none of these things. You think Mike Vrabel is gonna tolerate a guy coming to the stadium barefoit in a Flintstones costume? You think Sentient Inflammed Hemorrhoid Josh McDaniels is going to find his M&M Water shit endearing? What a fucking waste.

SOMEWHAT BEMUSED: Why Mike Tomlin puts up with this shit. Maybe he’s not the mostly-cool dude I project him to be. Maybe he thinks FedEx McFailson just needs a different aged, broken, crackbrained motherfucker at quarterback to light the toughest division in football on fire. But if I were a man of his resume and tenure, and I heard my team was even sniffing around Aaron Rodgers, I would be out the door and behind a cushy pregame show desk so fast, the Rooneys wouldn’t even have time to don their monocles.