Kicking Down: Mundialito Revue

Good morning to everyone, especially to those somewhat disappointed right now. I know, I know. King Hippo doth rawk, but I requested to substitute. So I am familiar with your feeling let down, but…

South Korea’s own Ulsan HD exited the Mundialito with three losses, scored two goals and showed NOTHING except a mission to not be blown out. Club World Cup haters (a decent lot, maybe too fond of fruit rotting in the ground), predicted that teams like Ulsan LD would be overmatched chum before the tourney becomes a Shempiens light, full of Europeens. Well, the knockouts start today and only 9 of the remaining 16 are from Ye Olde Incontinent. So let’s desecrate then bury those who didn’t make it.

RB Salzburg, Austrian giants, world class blehs. Harsh? No, being the fluffer that gave real madrid their legs back in a 3-0 that wasn’t that close—that’s harsh. Fuck them all the way to Hungary, like old times.

Atlético Madrid sleepwalked against PSG in the first game (4-0!). Then played well enough to be ignored, instead of ridiculed. This would’ve been a more compelling ending for Madriz Jr.’s Mundialito campaign:

You say Porto, I say Eyesorto. Showed nothing against Palmeiras and lost to Team Pink, who are a buncha CONCACAF geriatrics. Then Porto played with Egypt’s Al Ahly, who still had a chance to qualify. It ended 4-4 in a cracking game, which I missed because of work and brooding. I just can’t do more than two things at once 🤷🏻‍♂️

So Al Ahly’s out, just like every other African teams. Surely a sentimental favorite of Ivanka Trump, Wydad FC, parked the bus against Man City (and lost 2-0). Then got socked by Italy’s Old Lady 4-1. Oh yeah, being in a group with City of Men and Juventus is like being a novice stepping into a 1950s-style hazing. Still, how about a little fucking courage, Al Ahly, or at least a knee to some pretty boy’s kidney?

South Africa’s Mamelodi Sundowns, I will always remember them. Because in Spanish mamelodi suggests having both sucked AND given it away.

I had high hopes for Espérance Sportive de Tunis. (I’m OK with being literal, gracias.) I watched E.S. Tunis’ first two games; they were fierce defending their box and, well… I can only guess that that short-field defense exhausted the team because they were slow to mount any kind of attack. From what I saw, E.S. Tunis came to the Mundialito to play last-line defense and don’t run too much—maybe emulating their head coach, the only fat guy in a leadership position I’ve seen in a big-deal fútbol sideline.

Asia fared better, but definitely not through Al Ain, owned by the President of United Arab Emirates. I’ve said too much about them. Japan’s Urawa Red Diamonds lost all their games, most deservedly. But the Red Diamonds embiggened the spirit of their opponents. They filled Argentina’s Ríver Plate with hubris (3-1), got Inter off its two-month funk* (2-1), and gave cojones to the pride of Secsi Mecsi: Monterrey Rayados, who goes to the knockouts with the momentum of a 4-0 thrashing.

* I think 2Pac theorized about Inter being shook after losing the Scudetto to Napoli.

/about to tap the Marika signal in Morse Code

//mq1nbb)üdf-1

From the U.S.A., LAFC lost their first two games, but finagled a tie against Brazil’s Flamengo in their last game. Flamengo had already clinched the top group spot by that time.

Meanwhile, the Seattle Sounders got in a group with Atlético Madrid, PSG, and Botafogo (who beat PSG). No wonder, then, that the Sounders kept their MLS commitments. Today, the start of the Mundialito knockouts, the Sounders play against Austin. Then against Derek next week, with a tough match against Clay the week after.

TODAY’S KNOCKOUT GAMES

Early affairs, all times Central.

Palmeiras (São Paulo) v. Botafogo (Rio de Janeiro) – 11:00 AM @ The Linc

All Brazilian battle in Philly today, #Sad

Six South American teams entered the Mundialito, four of them Brazilian. These four Brazilian clubs qualified for the knockouts, and LATAM Hispanic media has adopted them as stewards of our culture–that is, when taking a break from slobbering the club from Europe’s  Spanish-speaking country [spits on floor nearby placed napkin]. Botafogo looks as solid as any team in the competition. Why not say it again: Botafogo, the current campeón suramericano, a week ago beat PSG, this year’s Shempiens shempien.

On the other side, Palmeiras is somewhere between whole and chopped liver (source: the debut Palmeiras 0 – 0 Porto and the second game I glanced at between too-long phone calls and fielding snide emails).

No matter who wins, there will be a revenge game in the Brazilian Serie A on August 16. By which time the preseason will be happening and Fantasy Football obnoxious-team-name building will be in full force

To clarify: if the realization that the preseason is a handful of weeks away does not tingle your spirit like it has been smothered with a mixture of Vapo Rub and cocaine, I pity envy you, for being an unfeeling husk.

Predicción: Botafogo 1 : 1 Palmeiras (Botafogo goes through on PKs). This is my way of wishcasting a tedious game because I have a prior engagement.

Benfica v. Chelsea (@Charlotte) – 3:00 PM

Benfica’s tough, very tough.

On the other side, “Chelsea Dagger” used to be my go-to happy tune. Until one of ya’s here on DFO said that song was insufferable. That was the first complaint I’ve encountered about that song and it stuck in my mind. About a year or two later, I got tired of it, like it got played out for good after hundreds of listens. Have never played it again, took it off playlists and everything. Whether taste might be temporary or not, I dunno. But I do know that fighting against taste is dumb.

Anyway, fuck Chelsea. The English fútbol press too, while we’re at it, just because. And no; there doesn’t have to be a transition between every sentence Jesuschrist…

Predicción: Benfica 2 : 1 Chelsea (goal on a VAR penalty).

FINALLY,

Argentina’s most famous clubs are River Plate and Boca Juniors. When they play each other, it’s not a mere clásico, but a Superclásico. Ríver is the posh club, nicknamed El Millonario. Boca fans, not making this up, call themselves “The biggest popular movement in the world”.

Boca fans showed up at the Mundialito in droves, and had a lot to cheer about in the first game against Benfica. It was 2-0 near the end of the first half, but Boca committed a penalty during injury time, 2-1 halftime. In the second half, Benfica lost a man to a red card at 72′, but tied the game at 84′ on a header by creaky Argie defenseman Nicolás Otamendi. Which I liked because, first, fuck Boca Junior fans and their delusional grandiosity, frontin’ like their rinky-dink team were the New Zealand All Blacks. Second, it was redemption for Otamendi, whose defensive mistake was the cause of the second Boca goal. Plus Argie on Argie crime is quite enjoyable, in a monkey knife fight kinda way.

Boca’s second game was against Bayern Munich, a not great / not terrible 2-1 win for the Tcherman club. Boca’s third game was against semipro Auckland City–again, a team of day jobbers and students who had to get permission from bosses and schools to participate in El Mundialito. In their first two games, Auckland City scored zero goals and allowed SIXTEEN. So Boca fans had… expectations:

At halftime, it was Boca 1 – 0 Auckland City, to plenty of Internet giggles. In the second half, Auckland City tied it 1-1 on a corner kick, headed by bald defenseman Christian Gray, a teacher. With this, Boca fans reacted reasonably,

And my favorite:

It ended Boca 1 – 1 Auckland City. Forget about this being the biggest embarassment so far in the Mundialito. This 1-1 could be a bigger than Buster Douglas KOs Mike Tyson, the most unexpected sports result I’ve seen. Not really; Buster Douglas was a professional boxer, not a plumber or a stylist who happened to box. And you could always count on Argie clubs quitting when confronted with their own incompetence.

Of course, Ríver fans went ape, getting a day of laughter and venom, only one day. Inter v. Ríver was, in theory, what the Club World Cup is all about, pitting regional giants who would never play each other for stakes, instead of that sweet and easy preseason friendlies dough. And yet, Ríver was fucking terrible, thoroughly outclassed by Inter. Inter, BTW, is starting to resemble the bully who dispatched Barcelona a coupla months ago in the Shempiens semifinal, which was gangbusters dynamic footy.

Anyway, fuck Argentinian fútbol and their waaay overvalued clubs.

Didn’t set out to end on a high note, sa ree 🤣😂😅😁