That’s The Stuff: Tuesday Open Thread

Well that was a pretty reasonable Opening Week, all things considered.

Apologies to Fozz and the rest of the Ratbird Faithful- your team earned a victory there, except for Jaire.

Most outcomes were relatively Chalk, although the magnitude in many cases were Surprising. Did I think Indy was going to beat Miami? Yes. Did I think Miami was going to get boat-raced by Daniel Fucking Jones, with Jonathan Taylor providing less than 100 yards from scrimmage? No, and anyone who did should be evaluated for either severe delusions or psychic powers.

The only thing better than the massive overreactions to a single data point are the smugly-knowing “Real or Overreaction?” articles by the same dumb fuckers who confidently predicted something completely different than reality last week.

As I am something of a Dumb Fucker myself, I figured I’d give that a go.

THE THING: Miami is actually as bad as they looked on Sunday.

OVERREACTION?: Fuck no. If anything, it’s an underreaction. Nothing Indy did was particularly unique- new DC Lou Anarumo called a good game, but “make Tua fear for his life” isn’t exactly a subtle and nuanced battle plan, so I expect the rest of the league can act on the notes taken.

Mike McDaniel has exactly one (1) week to get his team’s shit together for their home opener against the Patriots, and nothing in his tenure to date suggests he has that in his skillset. The boy-genius/tech bro thing can work, making Good Times into Great Times. But the last 30 years have shown it doesn’t translate to crisis management. Let’s hear from the man himself (start at about 6:30):

It was tough to get punched in the mouth like that, because it was not a result of lack of intent…there’s a lot of guys out there trying to make plays, all things equal, that’s not necessarily a bad, villainous thing to desire. However, when your mind isn’t focused on your exact responsibilities as it relates to your teammates, and when you’re not playing…collective team football, where you are doing your job, and then one or two players on the field get to make the play. There’s a cost.

What. The Fuck. Does. Any. Of. That. Mean? This is not an NFL coach. This is a crypto kingpin who showed up for his sentencing hearing tripping balls. Your vibes-based coach has switched from “Coke and MDMA” to “Ketamine and Ditch Weed”. I hate these teal-and-orange chucklefucks, but this shit makes me feel legitimate pity for them.

Until I remember how many of them sport Tyreek Hill jerseys.

Miami is going to collapse like a Surfside condo and become the most talented team to ever have a one-win season. The best thing anyone could give the Dolphins right now (other than a misericorde between the facemask bars) is a Tyreek Hill suspension based on the latest set of allegations. The talent level will sink, but at least they could treat it like an exorcism.

Storm Duck was the only thing you had going for you, and now he’s injured.

THE THING: Justin Fields has revived his career in the swamps of New Jersey

OVERREACTION?: Fields may finally rise to the level of a low-average NFL quarterback. Now, given his trajectory up until this point, “low-average” does probably qualify as revival.

The Jets gave him a legitimate run game and an offense that is (competently) schemed for his style- two novelties in his career. Problem is that the element of surprise isn’t going to last- teams will scheme against him, and he has not been terribly good at adaptation so far. If the defense continues to be porous and force him into must-pass situations, look for Fields to go back to the struggle bus.

THE THING: the Niners are the class of a surprisingly strong NFC West.

OVERREACTION?: Yes, but also no. Kittle’s on IR, Jennings is banged up, Purdy may be out with two seperate injuries, Aiyuk is a ways from being ready, and even St. Christian of McCaffrey can’t carry the team in the face of Mac Jones, Starting QB. [LATE EDIT: and you pissed away a third-round pick AND Robbie Gould on the kicker you just cut).

Problem is that the rest of the West wasn’t very good even with their A-Teams playing. Arizona struggled with the goddawful Saints, and it’s not even CoD season yet. The Rams looked stiff against a Texans team tailor-made for Los Angeles to exploit (turnstile offensive line, questionable linebackers). And Seattle looks like they bought a used Sam Darnold from the Vikings without bothering to read the instruction manual (Step 1: Play-action).

So SF can probably still carry the division (Stafford getting sacked three times is capital-o Ominous). But it’s likely to be ugly.

THE THING: Lions are Ded, Long Live The Packers.

OVERREACTION?: Yeah, probably. The Lions didn’t do much to beat the rap on “All the brains left town with Aaron Glenn and Ben Johnson” although the parts I’ve watched weren’t embarrassing- just more pedestrian than the Nü Lions have been the last couple years.

The Green Bay offense wasn’t great- but they didn’t have to be. Their average starting field position (their own 37.something) was second best in the league. The Packers defense did a great job bottling up the run until there was enough of a lead to force Detroit into passing-only situations.

The Lions offensive line misses center Frank “The Plumber” Ragnow more than expected. Maybe a matchup at home against a shellshocked Bears team will help them get right.

THE THING: Josh Allen is Our Lord and Savior.

OVERREACTION?: Not for me to say, but how many yards did Jesus throw for in the fourth quarter against the Romans?

NFL NEWS:

-The Broncos want to build a new domed stadium. Ostensibly it will be privately financed, but I think we all know to wait for the requests for tax abatements, infrastructure improvements, incentive dollars, eminent domain seizures, etc. start rolling in before we start applauding a team for doing what every team should do.

Also: a dome? In Denver? Are they going to up the air pressure inside to take away any unique aspects?

-Jalen Carter will not be suspended for the Iggles upcoming game against the Chefs, despite being truly disgusting. The NFL decided that, since he was ejected before kickoff, that counts as a one-game suspension.

I dunno. Spitting is a personal Issue for me, so I can’t give an unbiased Taek here. This is probably a rare case of common sense juatice by the NFL. Plus, it likely benefits the Bills to have Patrick Mahomes crushed to a fine powder early in the season.