Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2025 Season

Various happenings from our 2nd MANDATORIUM of the season.  Let’s roll through Sunday’s even dozen offerings, eh?

I like a 6/4 split.  To me, that’s perfect.  I start flagging in the late window, so 4 is plenty to keep me engaged without being overwhelmed.  You know what is overwhelming?  Being the 2025 Baltimore Ravens.  Inexplicably, their backup QB is Cooper Rush.  Not that one player or position group is really responsible for the result, when you get 44-10 rawdogged at home.  By the goddamned TEXANS.  CJ Stroud all of a sudden looks sentient, and the Ratbirds can officially be declared ded.

Remember when some dumb asshole predicted a 10-win season for the J-E-S-T??  Actually, please don’t remember.  They were home favourites to the Non-Gendered Cowpersons, but might as well have forfeited.  37-22, Dallas, and the whole damned game seemed like garbage time.  0-5 for the same group of supporters that generally also like the Mets.  Ouch.

Third ass-whipping?  We send you to the Gravy Boat, where the Geno Smith schiesse porn exhibition raged into an even grosser phase.  Vegas lost their punter during the first half, and Indy lost their placement man.  Again, not that special teams play could possibly explain the 40-6 gap between these two sides.  Shit, the Humps even let Anthony Richardson play a little.  2025 has not been kind to senior citizen comeback tours.  I guess Truther Pete can just be glad that dirty old man Belicheat is taking up so much media oxygen.

Surprisingly compelling, even for the neutral?  Vertically Enhanced Persons away to the no-longer-winless Saints.  Turnovers upltimately doomed the VEP, especially a back-breaking Q4 sk8rboi fumble.  New Orleans still had to play a bit of solid defense to salt away the victory.  NYG not being BUF, a bit was enough for a 26-14 final.  Jaxson Dart?  You still see a player there, even if the numbers don’t really check out yet.  At least there is a reason to watch now, for Scotchy and his brethren.

LOLfin supporters took over the Richardson Family Plantation, and it looked maybe like they had turned a corner with that MNF win, running off a 17-nil lead early.  Darren Waller was going nuts, Tua looked comfortable and aggressive.  But…they stopped.  Wee Bryce wasn’t great, but he kept chugging and showing fight.  17-7. then 17-10, 17-13.  One starts to notice that backup tailback Rico Dowdle was approaching 200 yards on the ground, and his 1-yard TD plunge pushed the Black Panthers in front, 20-17.  Surprisingly, Tua and pals had an answer.  A wide open deep shot to Waddle seemed like it would be decisive.  But the LOLfin defense was gassed and/or just terrible.  Young rose to the occasion again, converted a 4th and 6 to stay alive, followed by a short TD to some random TE.  Still almost 2-minutes to play, but Miami would net -8 yards, punt, and never get the ball back.  There’s NO WAY McDaniel makes it to the end of the season.  27-24 to Carolina.

Philly/Denver was just a weird game.  It followed a bit of a pattern, where the Iggles spend either the first or second half just kind of chucklefucking around.  A 17-3 lead at home after 3 quarters should be safe, but some truly wretched officiating kind of fucked them over (Q1 – VAR overrules a Nix fumble, which very much looked “empty hand”; Q4 – picked up intentional grounding BLEERGH; Q4 again – terrible late hit call, costing Philly at least 50 seconds of clock)…and they couldn’t find another gear on offense or defense to overcome it.  I feel bad that even counts as a win for my dudes, but that 18-point run in Q4 held up (despite a verrrrryyyyyy close Hail Mary from the 30 on the final play), 21-17.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the London game, which was somehow even worse than you’d expect for Vikes/#ThePauls.  Dillon Gabriel was cromulent, and almost won his rookie start.  Dakota Jeebus fought through a (non-throwing) shoulder owie, finding Jordan Addison for the late winner.  21-17 as SKOL go 1-1 for Europe.  Judkins looks legit for Cleveland, so at least they have that much.

Now we can talk late window.  The sweet, cottony embrace of opium was really going strong, so pardon my brevity.

Good God, Arizona.  Even for The Darkest Timeline, that Q4 shit was just so fucked.  Emari Demercado broke into the open for a long TD run (with 21-6 Qards lead), to eliminate all doubt.  But the dumb motherfucker re-enacted the Adonai Mitchell drop at the goalline.  TOUCHBACK after VAR.  Tennessee ran straight downfield for a quick score, electing to kick the extra point and get within one score.  OF COURSE, they missed.  By a country mile.  21-12 it stayed.  Over, right?

Certainly once the Qards made a pickerception inside the 10, with like 5 minutes left.  Except he stumbled to the ground, rolled over, and the ball came free.  AZ kicks the ball into the end zone where TN recovered for a 21-19 scoreline.

Qards pick up one first down.  Timeouts get used.  On 3rd and 7, just before the 2:00 mark…Arizona declines to even TRY to get another conversion.  They punt, Cam Ward makes one long throw to Calvin Ridley and the collapse completes at the death.  22-21, Tits.  Easily the dumbest loss I have ever seen.

Welcome back, Jayden Daniels!  After his Comintern colleagues dug a 10-zip Q1 hole, Daniels took over and rolled off 20 points in a row (with some Big Gay kicking help).  They were in line for MOAR, but Bill can has fumble to open Q4.  Herbert gimped his Clips downfield to narrow the margin, but threw an awful pickerception on 3rd and goal.  Daniels basically bled the clock completely dry, before a quasi-garbage time TD on 4th and 7 from the 8.  Commies obtain glory for the Motherland, 27-10.

Cincy was so bad in Denver Monday night, they couldn’t help but improve back at home against Detroit.  Except…they really didn’t.  This team is completely fucked.  28-3 after three, and only a laughable amount of garbage scoring made the final deceptively respectable (37-24, Detroit – as the last garbage score was a safety sack).

MRSA Men travelled to the Pacific Northwest, for the cool throwback kit Derby, and the game even met the fashion standard (after an uneven start).  Touch of Downs seemed to have laughed last and/or best, leading a meastly 99+ yard drive for the go-ahead score.  35-28 to the Truthers….and Baker answers with a dart to Sterling Shepard.  They WANTED to go for two, but too much time (like 1:03) remained.  Cooler heads prevailed, and it was 35-all.

Unfortunately for Seattle, there’s a well-known flipside to Sam Darnold, and he doinked a pickerception off a dude’s helmet, putting Tampa in instant long FG range.  They got to within 3rd and 7 of forcing a 50-yarder AND getting the ball back (after burning their last timeout).  But Rachaad White ran off-tackle for 13, and that allowed a kick at the death to win.  38-35, Creamsicle Bucs.

I am speechless as to how anyone could process STILL ANOTHER GAME, but they decided to play P*ts at Bills anyway.  Selfish dickbags.  Physical, fumbly, meh.  3-3 as we enter the 2-minute warning, and I go watch the rest upstairs.  Will I shame myself again??