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Hi everyone,
It’s your old pal Beerguyrob, once again here to show why October is the best sports month as, in conjunction with the NFL,
and MLB,
it’s time to rejoice and push that parlay because the NHL
is back in town. With that in mind, and before all of you destroy your devices to get these three cursed visages out of your eyes, it’s time once again for a semi-annual tradition, the Beerguyrob NHL Preview.
This year, as befits my mood, I have chosen to let the voices in my head write the preview.
It usually draws out my best work.
In any event, let’s get to it.
Atlantic Division:
Tampa Bay Lightning – still on the downswing from their Cup run. Haven’t really rebuilt enough to challenge Florida. “Bolts” is fucking stupid.
Montreal Canadiens – on the upswing but will never regain the glory of the 1970s. The NHL is a positive when the Habs are as good as their fans want them to be. Their visiting fans are much more fun than Leafs visiting fans.
Detroit Red Wings – can’t be as bad as last year, but we’re in the final year of “star former player runs the team far longer than a stranger would have been allowed” if nothing good happens. An equivalent would be when Bart Starr coached the Packers. Stevie Y will end up fired & then running some other team to three straight Cups.
Boston Bruins – in a rebuild despite what their ticket prices & advertising say. No Marchand = No fun. A sign of this is the impending retirement of Zdeno Chara’s #33, which any sports fan knows is a guaranteed loss because teams always shit the bed on celebratory occasions.
Buffalo Sabres – doesn’t matter because Pegula’s daughter is on a losing streak, which is the clear organizational crisis. The citizenry don’t care until the Bills go wide-right again in late-January.
Toronto Maple Leafs – the most toxic fanbase in the league, with a lack of success to match. Read about how they drove Mitch Marner out of town with their behaviour.
Ottawa Senators – Ontario’s Team. Follow along this season as these plucky underdogs scrap their way to a position one place ahead of, and one playoff round further than, the Leafs.
Florida Panthers – probably going to Threepeat.
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Metropolitan Division:
Pittsburgh Penguins – come for Sid’s retirement tour; stay for the discussion about his legacy while everyone ignore Evgeni Malkin as he walks out the door.
Washington Capitals – come for Ovi’s retirement tour; stay for the discussion about why Kash Patel was following the goal scoring tour.
New Jersey Devils – soon with three Hughes brothers!
New York Islanders – see the entry for the Canadiens, but swap 1970s for 1980s.
New York Rangers –
Columbus Blue Jackets – a team that should not exist, in a town that follows Buckeyes women’s hockey far-more closely. A waste of a franchise when Quebec City is RIGHT THERE!
Philadelphia Flyers – the Broad Street Pussies until they develop an actual team identity. Ron Hextall is the toughest player they’ve had since the 2000s. Once the Phillies are eliminated tomorrow they’ll have civic attention until the Sixers resume their own road to futility.
Carolina Hurricanes – go back to Hartford, you parasites.
Central:
Colorado Avalanche – should have won more trophies than they have, but they are also owned by Stan Kroenke so that monkey paw curls so fast & often it looks like it’s masturbating.
Dallas Stars – attendance & interest is directly proportional to how the Cowboys are doing, then how the Mavericks are doing, then how the price of oil is doing, and then whether or not Greg Abbott has passed a law allowing converted arenas to become churches after a sprinkling of Jesus’ real tears.
Nashville Predators – a great place to watch a not-great team play other great teams, because you can spill out onto Broadway after the final whistle & run into an average of three stagettes per block.
Minnesota Wild – the most boring hockey you can imagine being played in the ugliest jerseys you can’t imagine in front of fans who don’t remember that Prince made their city cool for five minutes.
Chicago Blackhawks – when they aren’t covering up sexual assaults by their employees, they are mired in bureaucratic incompetence that makes their three Cups in the 2010s seem like they were 100 years ago. The death of owner/ghoul Rocky Wirtz (right) means his son Danny is in charge, which sounds like the plot tease for the “Our Idiot Brother” reboot.
St. Louis Blues – they have tailed off so bad they should abandon “Gloria” by Laura Brannigan and switch to “Gloria” by Van Morrison & Them.
Winnipeg Jets – the one ray of light in this division. Their success infuriates Gary Bettman so much he keeps trying to put ANOTHER team back into Atlanta.
Utah Mammoth – used to be the Phoenix-Arizona-Phoenix-Arizona Coyotes, so now that the curse has been removed by Mormon Jesus they might make the second round. Logo is cool, even if it gives off Nashville Predator vibes.
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Pacific:
Edmonton Oilers – just signed McJesus to a two-year extension, so hopefully he can play goal as well because he’s the only one working in the relationship.
The only way he drags Edmonton to a Cup is if Florida’s bus crashes before the series starts & they are declared co-winners.
Anaheim Ducks – the worst jerseys in the Western Conference being played in by the chippiest players. God awful last year, with no real signs of improvement.
Los Angeles Kings – Onze Kopitar’s last year, which is amazing considering that he’s been a King for 20 years & won two Cups. He’s also literally half of the Slovenian national team, yet they keep making the Olympics & China (current population 1.414 billion) can’t.
Seattle Kraken – I honestly don’t care. According to BeerBrother their beers cost $20 each, so fuck that noise.
Vancouver Canucks – continue to hurt me deeply on a yearly basis. In a salary-capped, parity-focused league, this combination is lethal to the franchise’s ability to succeed on the ice. All of these other teams will win the Cup before the Canucks will.
Vegas Golden Knights – their regular season doesn’t matter, because their best players will sit on LTIR until the playoffs, when this invariably happens
and they make the third round, confounding the experts who forget this shit happens every fucking year.
Calgary Flames – God’s greatest mistake, the platypus of hockey teams. Are they competent? Are they a threat? Are they mammals? They laid enough eggs last year to convince me they were a diseased ostrich farm in Edgewood, BC. They’re so rotten Dr. Oz & RFK Jr. probably want to save them.
San Jose Sharks – At least they call themselves San Jose, not like those frauds in Santa Clara who are too ashamed to remove the “San Francisco” from their name despite working & living in an exurb of Oakland. BRING BACK THE SEALS!
So there you have it.
In terms of a Finals preview, it’ll likely be Edmonton – Florida again, much to Toronto sports media’s chagrin, with the diminishing returns for Edmonton resulting in them losing in five games this time ’round.
Tonight’s sports:
Other things are where you find them, but who cares? HOCKEY’S BACK!
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