Monday Morning Mock Draft: Horatio’s Big Stupid Mock Draft: The Return

Guten Tag, drones.  Have a seat.  It’s been a couple of years.  We’re roughly one month from the NFL Draft, so it seems like an ideal time to drop V1.0 of the DFO Mock Draft, brought to you by me.

The last couple of years I’ve been extraordinarily busy with work, and I haven’t been able to do my usually excellent job of plagiarizing a bunch of stuff I read on the internet, then making wild guesses at what a team might do while paying no attention to the combine or any off-season moves, and never getting more than 10-11 picks right in any one draft.

I mean, uh, researching stuff and making real good picks.

This year I managed to put aside enough time to get this out in advance.  Of course, I brought it out in stages, and before free agency, so probably half of these are totally wrong already, but there is no chance I’m going to redo it now.

All Top Needs are from Hayden Weeks at underdognetwork.com, simply because I liked the format.  Mr., (or Ms.; I don’t know or judge), would probably be horrified by this, and has no responsibility for the train wreck I will eventually turn this into.  Weeks also provides helpful reasonings as to why the top needs are top needs, generally because people are free agents rather than people presently at the position are not very good at that position.  The article is worth your perusal.

1. Oakland Raiders of Las Vegas by way of Los Angeles no make that Oakland again.

Record: 3-14

Top Needs: Doesn’t matter, they’re taking Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza.  Mendoza will reject God within 4 months of signing with the Raiders, and that’s probably being generous.  Sorry Fernando, you seem like a nice guy who doesn’t deserve what’s about to happen to you.  But that’s Rikki’s Raiders for you!

This is the correct pick based on need, available players, Mendoza’s ability, and all that crap.  It’s just that the Raiders destroy everything they touch.

2. New York Jets

Record: 3-14.  Again.

Top Needs: QB, OG, DT, Edge, CB

The pick:  Of course the Jets need a quarterback.  The Jets always need a quarterback.  The last “good” quarterback the Jets had was Mark Sanchez before he permanently damaged his brain trying to jam his head up someone else’s ass.  This year’s crop of college QBs, outside of Mendoza is, however, to use a technical term, “ass.”  There’s talk of the Jets trading down from the 16th pick to let someone else move up and overpay for a QB, (it’s from a fan site, so probably not), but they can’t afford to do that here.  I have yet to see a mock draft that does not have the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!! taking The Ohio State Edge Arvell Reese here, especially after they just unloaded one pass rusher, Jermaine Johnson, for an O-line occupying monster, T’Vondre Sweat.  That seems like the kind of move you make when you’re trying to open space for a rookie you hope will be a (cheaper) pass rushing threat.

3. Arizona Cardinals

Record: 3-14

Top Needs: QB, RT, RB, S, LB

The Pick:  The Cardinals, about two years and millions of dollars too late, realized that Kyler Murray was not only not big enough to play QB on anything but Madden, he was also too much of a dipshit to be relied on to get your Door Dash order to your, you know, door, and released him.  A fun might-be-a-fact that will have a certain Allegheny 911 operator making a call on his own behalf from inside the house, Murray’s been linked to the Steelers.  The Cardinals therefore need a QB but, Bidwill’s sexuality aside, like the Jets there simply isn’t a QB prospect good enough to take at #3.  The safe pick here is Miami OT Frances Mauigoa.  He fills a need and he’s certainly big enough to play the position.  The great unknown is how he feels about Call of Duty.

Mauigoa’s nickname is apparently ‘Sisi’ which is something I’m going to stand back and watch several other people call him before I give it a try.

4. Don T’s Magnificent Tits

Record: 3-12

Top Needs: EDGE, WR, RG, CB

The Pick:  The Titans have a new head coach in Robert Saleh, and Saleh made his bones with defense.  The Titans #1 need is, assuming Hayden Weeks, unlike me, did his (or her) homework, is an edge rusher.  That combination screams David Bailey or Ruben Bain going here BUT I keep seeing Notre Dame RB Jeremiyah Love going here.  He’s been called the best player in the draft and while it’s generally accepted wisdom that taking RBs in the first round is a waste of time, because they’re a dime a dozen and don’t last long, anyone who watched Bijan Robinson do his thing last year is probably thinking it’s worth a shot.

The Titans already have Jeffrey Simmons and as noted above just traded for Jermaine Johnson, so giving Cam Ward a safety valve certainly wouldn’t be the worst idea.  Also, if Love doesn’t go here he’s most likely to go to the Chiefs and I simply do not want that to happen.

5. New York Football Giants

Record: 4-13

Top Needs: RT, RG, WR, CB, LB, DT, (Jesus Christ, is that all?)

The pick:  Based on the listed needs I was all set to have the Giants taking another O-lineman here, something that would have had hobos streaming out of Ontario like lemmings off a cliff.  Perusing multiple sources since the combine, however, it seems nearly universal that the Giants are going to take Ohio State LB Sonny Styles at #5.  Styles apparently broke all sorts of records at the combine and, since no one has ever learned from the Mike Mike Mamula experience, and since the Giants do love their linebackers, I can see why this pick is trending the way it is.

Editor’s note:  And the Giants signed LB Tremaine Edmunds.  Probably means O-line here.

6. Factory of Sadness

Record: 5-12

Top Needs:  QB, OL, CB, WR, LB

The pick:  It’s not that the Browns need a quarterback, (they have something like 482 of ’em on the roster), it’s that they need one who doesn’t suck.  That they don’t have, and they’re probably not going to get one at #6 this year either.

Although let’s face it, they’ll be back in the Top 5 next year to take another shot at it.

Take a look at ESPN’s 2026 draft class.  Outside of Mendoza there isn’t a guy there I’d trust to hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat.  Or at least not enough to draft above #20, and preferrably #25.  I supposed the Browns could trade down, (helloooooooooo, Pittsburgh) (not that Pittsburgh and Cleveland would trade anything amongst each other besides shots), but the thing is, the shit show that is the Browns front office managed to allow their entire offensive line to reach free agency at the same time, and that time is now.  There is time to fix that, of course, and they did just trade for a guy from something called ‘The Texans’ which I assume is a USFL thing, but I think they’d be best served to address the line here as well.

We’ve got another combine bust-out here, as Georgia LT Monroe Freeling is getting a lot of love here.  Plus I guess Tytus Howard (the USFL guy from ‘The Texans’ that Cleveland traded for), plays RT so with this pick the Browns have solidified the ends of the line, giving Shedur Sanders all the time he needs to make the worst possible decision on every play.

7. Washington Football Team

Record:  5-12

Top Needs: WR, Edge, LB, LG

The Pick:  The top WR prospect in the draft, Ohio State’s Carnell Tate, is sitting right there.  You need a WR.  Do the right thing and pick Carnell Tate.  There’s a lot of noise about Washington going defense, taking Sonny Styles or Ruben Bain, but Styles seems likely to be gone by #7 and Bain has the dreaded short arm thing, so I am, for now, thinking the (slur deleted) Football Team will do something for Jayden Daniels besides destroy his kneenowaitthatwastheotherguy I mean elbow, and get him a nice threat at WR.

This is probably my pick Most Likely To Be Changed If I Get Around To V2.0.  The NFL GMs do love them some defense.

8. New Orleans Saints

Record: 6-11

Top Needs: LG, DT, Edge, WR, CB, LB, RB

The pick:  Here’s where things start to get tricky, assuming I’m not already 1-7 on these picks.  The Saints have several needs that could be met by guys like Bain, or David Bailey, but they seem to have addressed these, and RB, through free agency.  They’d love Sonny Styles to fall this far, but I don’t see Styles going past Washington, even if the Giants look elsewhere with their pick.  I tried calling in Kewpie for his, (her? its?), opinion, but got a phone message saying that they, (it?  if there’s one person and/or thing I don’t want to get on the wrong side of it’s Kewpie), were on a peyote bender in the high desert, so I’m kinda winging this one.

I am tempted to give the Saints one of the top two WRs still on the board, as it fills a need and both of them would be solid value at this spot.  BUTT, (the extra T is for Balls!), the Saints also need a CB, and there’s a local kid, LSU CB Mansoor Delane, right here, also good value at the draft position.  And taking Delane here would screw the Chiefs, who have a CB need of their own one pick back.

And let’s face it, ‘Mansoor Delane’ is a name that just cries out to be chanted on Bourbon Street.

9. Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 6-11

Top Needs: CB, FS, RB, Edge, WR, a parole officer with a sense of humor

The pick:  Great Googly Moogly, how the mighty have fallen, and dear god how much did everyone here not named The Revanchist enjoy it?  Where is that guy, anyway?

Please remember, we have a strict “no dying” policy that some people have been ignoring.

/pours out a 40 for VTR

//hits on a waitress with very debatable tattoos for tWBS

///goes to the wrong concert for Gumby

Where were we?  Right, the Chiefs!

They’d love to get Jeremiyah Love, (no pun intended), and they’re probably super pissed about the Saints taking Delane right in front of them, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to see them try to trade up to get either, but especially Love.  If they don’t trade, however, I think they try to get Kermit some help at WR.  There are two WRs available here who would, much as I hate this, really help Mahomes out.  Flipping a coin I will say the Chiefs take USC WR Makai Lemon here.

10. Mike Brown’s Discount Football Team

Record: 6-11

Top Needs: DT, S, RG, CB, LB, Edge, you gonna use the nickel?

The pick:  I really want to say Ruben Bain goes here, because the Bengals do need an edge.  And Bain has short arms, which means he can’t reach his wallet, which means he doesn’t need as much money, which means he has Mike Brown’s attention.  The Bengals also, however, need a safety, apparently more than an edge, and Ohio State S Caleb Downs is right there, somewhat surprisingly according to the mocks I’ve seen.  If he is, the Bengals should take him.

Editor’s Note:  The Bengals signed two (!) free agents a few days after I wrote this, a safety and an edge, and this pick has no chance of happening now.  Probably helps Dallas, though.

11. Miami Dolphins

Record: 7-10

Top Needs: QB, Edge, WR, CB, RG

The pick:  Miami Edge Ruben Bain reaches out with his short arms and stops his slide, going to the hometown team and filling their top need that isn’t a QB, because the QB prospects this year are a dumpster fire outside an abortion clinic.

12. Jerry Jones’s Syphilitic Madness

Record: 7-9-1

Top Needs: CB, WR(really?), Edge, RB, LB, S, new ownership

The pick:  Mansoor Delanne is gone.  Caleb Downs just went two picks in front of you.  You just franchised George Pickens.  No one named Tyler seems available at this spot.  What do you do?  Several folks seem to think they’ll trade down.  I think that, if he’s still available here, Jerry Jones will no be able to resist the siren song of a home town guy made good and take Texas Tech Edge David Bailey.  Bailey apparently went off on the combine, and I’ve seen more than one mock draft having himself go as high as #2.  That seems like a stretch to me, but he’s definitely going to move up and Dallas has a history of missing out on secondary guys and having incredible linebacker/edge types fall into their laps.

Of course, they then trade those guys to Green Bay for a handful of magic beans, but if Bailey is still around, and if the Cowboys can use the money they saved on Parsons wisely, instead of giving it all to Pickens and watching him mail in a seas…oh.  Oh, dear.

(in reality I think I’ll probably need to rethink where Bailey goes, and while I don’t do trades in these mocks I tend to agree that Dallas is going to move down from this spot)

Editor’s Note:  I suspect Bailey is now gonna go way before this pick, but with the Bungles doing what they did in free agency there’s a better chance Dallas takes Downs, which is fitting because Jones GMs the team like he has Downs.

13. Los Angeles Rams (from Atlanta)

Record: 12-5

Top Needs: CB, S, WR, RT, C

The pick:  Well it probably won’t be a cornerback.  Getting McDuffie for the 29th pick and a couple of late round picks probably addressed that need better than anything they were going to draft.  I haven’t seen any safeties considered worth drafting here, (full confession, I haven’t really looked, either), but I do see Arizona State WR Jordyn Tyson sitting here all set to make a fantastic pairing with Puca Nacua.  Maybe even enough to keep Stafford one more year away from his dreams of that doughnut franchise.

14. That’s Rikki’s Raiders!

Record: 3-14

Top needs: QB, (addressed at #1), and a whole bunch of other stuff

The pick:  When I started this mock draft the Raiders had one pick, and since it was obvious they would take Mendoza I didn’t bother listing their needs, which are legion.  I went back and looked just now, but the list seemed really long.  Also I noticed that they needed a LG.  Utah OT Spencer Fano has fallen a bit in my mock draft, so I’ll ignore that he plays tackle and the Raiders need a guard and draft him here.  Make someone else move, Mark, and tell your Today Girlfriend that your Tomorrow Girlfriend is on the way over so she needs to make herself scarce.

15. Factory of MRSA

Record: 8-9

Top needs: Edge, DT, TE, LB, WR, CB, to go back to the Creamsicles

The pick:  The latest news seems to favor the Buccaneers taking Oregon TE Kenyon Sadiq here.  There are also strong opinions about various edge rushers and linebackers, but Sadiq seems to have the most wind at his back at the moment.  And it makes sense, as Mike Evans may not be back and Baker, Baker The What The Hell Was That Maker could use a good safety valve at the TE position.

16. New York Jets (from Indianapolis)

Record: Still 3-14

Top needs: QB, OG, DT, Edge, CB

The pick:  At least one person has the Jets trading up with Dallas to get Makai Lemon with their second pick, at #12, and I actually don’t hate that, for either team.  The Jets could absolutely use some besides poor Garret Wilson to catch passes.  Of course, the Jets would still need someone to throw those guys the ball, but fortunately someone else has the Jets picking up Kyler Murray, which doesn’t solve that problem at all.

I, however, am not doing trades, so for our purposes the Jets stay at 16, and Lemon isn’t going to be around at 16.  Tyson might be, and if he is the Jets should grab him.  If not, I read a lot about Florida DT Caleb Banks while poking around to see what Tampa Bay might do.  Ultimately it didn’t look like Tampa Bay would take Banks, and if they don’t I’d think Banks might give the Jets a chance to replace Quinnen Williams.

/Tampa Bay draft Banks

Ah, yes.  Well.  Nevertheless.

17. Detroit Lions

Record: 9-8

Top needs: Edge, DT, LB, CB, LT, C, RG

The pick:  Miami Edge Akheem Mesidor.  Reading through the various options that all the other mock drafts had it struck me that a) some people are absolutely delusions about who’s going to be available at 17, and b) the Lions really need another edge to take the pressure off Aidan Hutchinson.  He’s apparently 25(!), but in the case of the Lions I think that may be a plus.  They were on the verge of Superb Owl contention two years ago and took a big step back this year.  Rather than mold someone like Banks, get a grown-ass man on the line and start biting kneecaps again.

18. Minnesota Vikings

Record: 9-8

Top needs: QB, (JJ McCarthy ain’t it, huh?), S, CB, LB, WR

The pick:  Harrison Smith is probably going to retire, and we have another combine monster who just so happens to play safety here.  Oregon S Dillon Thieneman apparently made all the pretty girls blush in Indianapolis, (hang on, being told that’s just one of the effects of clogged arteries), and would fill a real need in Minnesota.

Speaking of Minnesota, fuck ICE.

We now resume your football and dick jokery.

19. Carolina Panthers

Record: 8-9

Top needs: C, LB, S, Edge, CB, DT

The pick:  So I’ll skip the links here, because there’s simply too many of them, but the general consensus seems to be that the Panthers need defensive help more than anything but that, at least at this pick, they were far more likely to address the offensive line, with most of the thought, (delusion), that it would be the Freeling kid out of Georgia.  I, however, have Freeling showered, dressed, and on a flight to Cleveland (sorry, Morgan; next time maybe tank the combine), long before this pick rolls around.  If, in fact, the Panthers are determined to address the O-line first the best available guy seems to be Alabama OT Kaydn Proctor.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Record: Still rocking that 7-9-1!

Top needs: CB, WR, Edge, RB, LB, S, new ownership

The pick:  With Dallas’s first pick I had them taking David Bailey, which would address their need for an edge rusher.  A need they wouldn’t have had if they had just signed Micah Parsons, like a goddamn normal franchise would have.  Pickens being resigned eliminates the need for another WR, so by process of elimination we’re looking for a CB here.  As look would have it, Clemson CB Avieon Terrell slots into this spot and fits the bill nicely.

Honestly, as a Dallas fan I’d sign up for these picks right now, even if I am pretty sure I’m going to need to rethink where Bailey goes, and therefore what happens with this pick, in Version 2.0.

Unless I just never do a V2.0!

21. Pittsburgh Stillers

Record: 10-7

Top needs: QB, LG, CB, WR, DT, new voodoo doll

The pick: I hate to do this to the Clubhouse’s Stillers fan contingent but, as Richard Simmons would say, it’s time to reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach for a quarterback, and I have the Steelers taking Alabama QB Ty Simpson.  Did you like Kenny Pickett, Steelers fans?  Well get ready, because here comes his intellectually challenged cousin!

Simpsons would be a fine pick in the second round, even better in the third, but every goddamn year someone takes a QB way too soon, and this year I just think it’s going to be Pittsburgh.  To be fair, they need one.  To be unfair, they need one because they did the same damn thing with Kenny Pickett a few years back.

22. San Diego Chargers.  Because fuck you, that’s why.

Record: 11-6

Top needs: Edge, OL, DT, S

The pick:  From what I remember about the Chargers all-too brief appearance in the play-offs, there O-line was more a theory than a fact, and Justin Herbert had about .8 second to complete a pass before running for his life.  Would I trust my memory?  No; I am over 50 and tend to watch football while drinking beer and spending as much if not more time making dick jokes as I do watching the actual game.  That said, I think the Chargers need to bolster the line, and if they agree with me the top remaining prospect on the line seems to the Pedo State OG Olaivavega Ioane, of whom the only thing I am sure of is he is not Irish.

23. Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 11-6

Top needs: RG, CB, TE, RT, LG, S

The pick:  Boy, they could really used a guy like Olaivavega Ioane, too bad I sent him to San Diego one pick in front of them.  Totally unintentional, that.  And it’s not like any Philly mouth breather could spell the man’s name anyway.  That said, as a Dallas fan I am absolutely ill with jealousy at the perfectly cromulent competence of the Philadelphia front office, and it would not surprise me at all if Howie Roseman made a couple of moves that got him in front of several teams and allowed him to have his choice to fill the line.  That’s what having a competent GM can allow you to do, Jerry.  All that said, we need an O-lineman for the Eagles and Utah OL Caleb Lomu appears to the be the highest ranked prospect left on our board.

For the record, and this’ll probably happen in V2.0,  I thought about giving the Eagles Aveion Terrell here, arguing that Dallas would now be likely to take Caleb Down with their 12th pick, since the Bengals didn’t just sign a safety in free agency to draft another one, (or did they?), and therefore the Bengals would be more likely to take an edge guy like Bain, but then that meant Miami would need a CB and then they’d take Terrell and then I realized I should just start this whole thing over and I didn’t want to.

24. Cleveland Browns (from Jaguars)

Record: 5-12, still

Top needs: QB, OL, CB, WR, LB

The pick:  Ii would be complete chaos, stupid, and absolutely hilarious, so let’s not rule Cleveland doing it out, but if Pittsburgh doesn’t take Ty Simpson I could absolutely see Cleveland doing that here.  They could use a WR, and there are a couple of names, (KC Concepcion, Denzel Boston), that I’m tempted to put here, but instead, on the theory that before you spend a first round pick on a WR you need a QB to throw him the ball, and the Browns do not have one of those, I am going to bolster their already solid defense and give them Georgia LB CJ Allen.  Line him up with Myles Garrett and just tee off.  Because God knows your offense isn’t going to do anything.

25. Da Bears!

Record: 13-4

Top needs: CB, Edge, DT, S, LB

The pick:  How the hell did the Bears get so good so quick last season?  And can they do it again?

No.

That said, we still need a pick.  They traded DJ Moore to the Bills.  They released Tremaine Edmunds, (which I only know because I read that the Giants signed him).  So WR and LB presumably are two areas of need.  But they also, apparently, need a DT, and I keep seeing Clemson DT Peter Woods around earlier teams but I’ve never been able to get him in as the first fit.  Well, that changes now.

26. Buffalo Bills

Record: 12-5

Top needs: EDGE, LG, C, WR, DT, CB, LB

The pick:  As someone who had the Bills defense in the early part of fantasy football last season, they really need to bolster the run defense.  Those fuckers couldn’t catch a cold last year.  They did, as noted in our little summary about the Bears, just trade for DJ Moore, which was good and smart and filled a big need, because their WR corps last year was more like a corpse.

/looks around for high five that never arrives

Oh like you’re so funny.

Anyway, what’s better than one pizza?  Two pizzas.  What’s better than Josh Allen with James Allen behind him and DJ Moore as a legitimate receiving threat?  Josh Allen with James Allen behind him and two receiving threats, that’s what.  We go somewhat against the grain here and take Washington WR Denzel Boston.  And then every other pick better be defense.

27. Santa Clara 49ers

Record: 12-5

Top needs: WR, LG, DT, C, CB

The pick:  I’ve hated the 49ers since Joe Montana and Bill Walsh surpassed the post-Staubach Cowboys so to be honest I don’t give a shit what they do.  For the sake of the draft however, we’ll give them Texas A&M WR KC Concepcion.  Whatever.  I’m closer to San Francisco these days than you fuckers are.

28. Houston Texans

Record: 12-5

Top needs: RG, DT, RB, S, RT, C

The pick:  I’m not gonna lie, I’m dragging here.  This is probably the last one of the night.  This one’s a reach, but I looked at exactly one Houston mock, saw that the author had them taking a guard, their top need in the second round, (his first pick was Kayden Proctor, who I’d be stunned to see still sitting around at 28), and I said to myself, “eh, #28 in the first round might as well reach to 56 (or whatever) in the second round” (I need to go to bed) and took Oregon G Emmanuel Pregnon.  I do not get paid for this.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (from Los Angeles Rams)

Record: 6-11

Top needs: CB, FS, RB, Edge, WR

The pick:  The Chiefs acquired this pick by trading Trent McDuffie to the Rams.  We got Mahomes one of the top WR prospects with their first pick so it’s time to focus on defense with this pick.  They’ve got to replace McDuffie at CB and here’s Tennessee CB Jermod McCoy to do just that.  McCoy was once one of the top CB prospects, but tore up his knee after the 2024 season ended, then sat out all last year.  He attended the combine, but didn’t participate.  And his agent is apparently a pain in the ass.  Source for all that information.  Andy Reid, however, has drafted players who’ve done far shadier stuff than that, and assuming no one else has taken a chance that McCoy can get back to his pre-knee owie status there’s no way Reid passes him up to fill their #1 need.

30. Denver Broncos

Record: 14-3

Top needs: DT, LB, TE, RB, WR

The pick:  Can you draft a backup QB?  Asking for a franchise that could have used one a couple of months ago.  You can, of course, but probably shouldn’t do it in the first round.  I looked at a lot of mocks for Denver.  They’re as all over the place as Britt Reid trying to get home from a birthday party.  People love CJ Allen here, but I don’t think he’s available at 30.  Some people seem to think they’ll add a WR for Bo Nix, which is fine, but that’s their 5th need.  A tight end?  Everyone loves a good tight end, even a WASP like Hippo, but there really isn’t one they should take at 30.  After due consideration I have them fill their professed top need with Texas Tech DT Lee Hunter.

EDITOR’S NOTE:  NOPE!!  PICK GOES TO MIAMI AS PART OF THE JAYLEN WADDLE TRADE!!!

31. New England Patriots

Record: 14-3, Super Bowl Not Champs

Top needs: EDGE, S, RT, C, TE, DT (nose), LT

The pick:  For a team that went 14-3 and finished their season in the Superb Owl, (where the Seahawks went through them like shit through a goose), the Patriots have a lot of needs.  They need a #1 WR, but the top prospects there are long gone by this point.  They need help on the offense line, (like, a lot of it), but prospects there seem pretty then as well.  The highest-ranked remaining option for a need at this point seems to be Toledo S Emmanuel McNeil-Warren.  Sure, why the fahck nawt?

32. Seattle Seahawks

Record: 14-3 Super Bowl Champs!

Top needs: CB, EDGE, RB, S, RG

The pick:  The Seahawks home site asked five dentists what gum they should chew and four of them said “what the fuck are your talking about?  I’m an NFL Draft nerd; take a cornerback!”  The highest ranked cornerback left is Tennessee CB Colton Hood, so off you go to the great northwest, Colton.  Pack earplugs and say hi to Rob for us.