A Child’s Garden Of Woo From Los Angeles Craigslist

Gentle Kommenters,

Below you will find a curated selection of excerpts from the Los Angeles Craigslist Personals. All are real lines from real ads…except one. At the risk of horning in on the Occasional Puzzle goodness, try to guess which one I made up:

1. I won’t fuck your friends

2. no BBw please also no gay guys and any other freaks.

3. diner ready any wana share me it

4. LET’S GO BLOWING THIS WEEKEND

5. I am in a dead end marriage and don’t know whether I should leave or not. I just don’t know if this is as good as it gets or not. Are you better than her? Should I leave?

6. Please only read further if you have or have ever had a serious secret desire to receive an anal tonguing experience.

7. I am a good looking asian,5’10”, 32 years old man looking for some chubby or little heavy girl (Not Black)

8. Hi there I am looking for a woman who is involved in recovery, I am an attractive and 6’2 200Lbs

9. i’m black & white, 5’10, love to play sports and dance. young ladies who were BORN a girl

10. i have a sneeze fetish. it turns me on to see women sneeze.. the wetter the better. if you would be interested in experimenting with this, or have done this before.. please email me.

11. we were married in the 70’s I cannot find you

12. A bit about me –I’m not your “typical” WOMAN — I’m not FAT, don’t have herpes, and I sure as hell don’t eat rice every day!

13. ive been single for a few weeks now so if you get me drunk, you’d probably get a blow job. just throwing it out there. send me a pic or a link to your myspace and ill send you mine. everyone has a myspace — if you don’t you’re creepy!!!

14. I’m not your average Jewish girl; I am nice.

15. With this guy I don’t want to have to worry about anything financial because he’ll take care of. I mean that’s wat there for right? I wanna kno wat its like to be treated like a princess

16. Have you ever had a PBR? Do you even know what one is?

17. Be discreet. Be loyal. Be sane. Be disease free. Be single. Be Drama Free. Be generous. Be humorous. Be Intelligent. Be height and weight porpotioned. Be oral. Be packing a 9″ or more penis.

18. if you are interested in talking to someone depressed and lonely please send me a pic and i will send you mine.

19. Ashley Madison is too expensive. I’d prefer we spend that money on In ‘N Out and champagne.

20. Long walks on the beach, snuggling to some smooth jazz with my cats while reading a book, keeping up with what’s going on in this world, hitting up the trendy new art gallery and going out for a cup of coffee are just some of the things I don’t like do to. (Ed. Note: I almost wrote to this girl.)

21. UPDATE: To the guy who sent me an email saying only “Lets see if oyur interested”, and then corrected himself sending another email saying only “Lets see if your interested (sorry)”, I just want to let you know that it’s actually “you’re”. Hopefully this helps in your future internet endeavors. (Ed. Note: This one too.)

22. Do you like persimmons?

23. Someone please save me!!!! All I really want is strong blk man’s touch. I’m so tired of riding my imagination and masterbating it’s pathetic

Correct answer below:

#19 is fake. Cuntler is exactly right. I even considered misspelling “champagne” on purpose.