Meanwhile, in San Diego…

City Councilman: All right, this has been a full day of hearing public testimony on the issue of the proposed new stadium, and I think we have our last citizen. If you could please step up to the mic, mister…

BOLTMAN! [pounds chest, a brief snippet of the ‘San Diego Super Chargers’ theme plays from somewhere in his mask]

C: Ah, yes, Mr. Boltman. You have five minutes. Please proceed.

B: BOLTMAN is here today to CHARGE YOU UP! The CHARGERS are looking to SCORE, brother, and want to plant that ball IN A BRAND NEW ENDZONE, PREFERABLY SOMEWHERE CENTRALLY LOCATED AND HAVING MODERN AMENITIES! BOLTMAN would like to PLEDGE HIS SUPPORT to making a new stadium A REALITY, and will put all his BOLT BRIGADE BROTHERS to work! [stomps, stomps, claps; stomps, stomps claps] YEAH! BOLTMAN is all about bringing WINS to his CHARGERS COMMUNITY–AND THAT MEANS EVERYONE IN THE GREATER SAN DIEGO AREA! BOLTMAN SI HABLA ROCK N’ ROLLA! WOOO! [mimes an air guitar as a shredding guitar solo plays from somewhere in this fake muscle suit] Now, what you gonna do, brothers, when the POWDERED BLUES come down and WIN THE SUPER BOWL? Let them play in old JACK MURPHY as it FALLS APART and smells like GARLIC FRIES SOAKED IN URINE? HELL NO! WE GOTTA STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING! SHUT IT DOWN! DE-FENSE! [claps, claps] DE-FENSE! [claps, claps] We gotta DIG DEEP, pull out ALL THE STOPS, and put a WORLD CLASS STADIUM IN SAN DIEGO! YEAHHHHHHHHH! [pumps arms in the air, the opening bars of ‘Crazy Train’ play from somewhere in his oversized shoes] ANY QUESTIONS FOR BOLTMAN?

C: Well, uh, that was quite the presentation Mister Boltman. How much financial support are you, personally, willing to commit to the stadium project?

B: BOLTMAN WILL GIVE ALL HE CAN!

C: Do you have, say, 250 million dollars?

B: BOLTMAN CAN WRITE YOU A CHECK FOR $46.88!

C: Hmm. That’s not quite enough. How do you feel about moving the team to Los Angeles, Mister Boltman?

B: BOLTMAN WILL PUT ON A RAVEN MASK AND SHOOT YOUR COCK AND BALLS OFF WITH A SHOTGUN! [air guitar solo again]

C: That is a very compelling argument. I can see you’re committed to your cause. One last question: as a San Diego Chargers fan, would you rather have a brand new stadium, or this large plate of freshly made fish tacos with mango salsa?

B: BOLTMAN IS SUDDENLY CONFLICTED! BOLTMAN WOULD LIKE… UH… [puts his gloved hand to his chin, and a sound effect of a clap of thunder followed by the opening mariachi band tune from ‘Ring Of Fire’ plays] BOLTMAN WILL STICK TO HIS CONVICTIONS! NEW STA-DI-UM! [claps, claps, clapsclapsclaps] NEW STA-DI-UM! [claps, claps, clapsclapsclaps]

C:Very well. Thank you for your testimony Mister Boltman. We will now move on to more council business, namely the motion to drain the public school’s annual budget and add it to our salaries.

B: BOLTMAN OUT! [the entirety of the ‘San Diego Super Chargers’ plays as he exits the room while doing a clearly rehearsed yet poorly coordinated dance]

[Dean Spanos appears in a puff of smoke, grabs the plate of fish tacos with a ‘yoink!’ and disappears in another puff of smoke]