Your 2015 Jacksonville/London Jaguars

You know, when the Jaguars make the eventual move to London, it will be a VERY smooth transition. The locals will already be familiar with a product that pretends to be great but inevitably breaks down, costs you an arm and a leg, but which you will support because it’s “yours”.

They play the Bills there this year and next year’s game will be the last of the original four they were committed to in 2012. Which means the London Jags will start play in 2017. Ok, but what about this season? The Jags are not moving yet!

Well, you have this guy at QB:

Hi Dave!! Welcome to DFO!

Ok, let’s be fair. Let’s put a real picture of Blake’s girlfriend up:

Uh, nice shirt, dude.

That is a man that has clearly out-kicked his coverage. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to carry that type of luck to his team. Ron Jeremy

must think that he gets a discount on every player named Robinson as there are three on the roster and two of them play WR. Now, I’m not an expert, but poor Blake might get confused. The Jags’ record last year was 3-13 which was pretty awful but still not good enough for worst in the league. They still got the 3rd overall pick, but then that pick promptly tore his ACL in the first practice and is out for the year. So, no immediate help is coming.

On the bright side, Ron invested heavily into improving the infrastructure of the stadium and the field now boasts the world’s two largest video boards. Unfortunately, they will be showing the other teams score most of the time. There are also pools and cabanas, so Ron really just needs to bring in talented performers and he could surpass his Jaguars income by promoting it as an adult entertainment paradise. At least those leftover Jag Rags will come in handy!

Cleanup on section 115!

By now you have probably noticed that this season preview is very light on actual football analysis. You are not only correct, but very handsome/beautiful! This is a sad team that, if a world existed in which owners were not greedy, would have folded a long time ago. I’m sure Goodell and the dipshits in New York think they can polish this turd and sell it to the dumbfucks in England, but I’ve got two words for you: Premier League.

As King Hippo will attest, their hands are full supporting teams that don’t have a chance to win the Premiership or the Champions’ League. Do you really think they will embrace these poor bastards? Well, shit. SMDH…

At least they have scary emojis.

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Don T

Admin

September 7, 2015 7:06 pm

That Dante Fowler signing AFTER tearing his ACL is the most decent thing I’ve seen in the NFL since, um, ahh…

Senor Weaselo

Admin

September 7, 2015 2:44 pm

Also the reply and edit functions still seem down, so +1 crashing piano to nomonkeyfun.

PENIS. Balls: Edit seems to work!

WCS

Admin

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 3:02 pm

THAT IS INCORRECT, SIR

Sill Bimmons

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 3:17 pm

I have Reply but not Edit.

nomonkeyfun

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 4:50 pm

Senor, may I interest in my Spanish air freight company, La Mundazo por la avion. More accurate than Tim Tebow. We get your piano on target and on time 10% of our trips. Siestas not with standing.

ballsofsteelandfury

Author

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 5:58 pm

Reply button WOOOOOOOO!!

Senor Weaselo

Admin

September 7, 2015 2:39 pm

Key subtractions: Jaxson de Ville. Really, that’s all that’s necessary. I’m still partial to whoever’s idea it was to move them to Mexico City, and it writes itself, with the Aztec Jaguar Warriors and all. Plus, Shahid Khan/Goodell would definitely allow human sacrifice as a way to pump up the fans.

WCS

Admin

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 2:56 pm

HELLO REPLY BUTTON

Senor Weaselo

Admin

Reply to WCS

September 7, 2015 3:02 pm

Woooo!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2nqpnJNfHs

blaxabbath

Editor

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 3:40 pm

Nice joke about human sacrifice, TRUMP!

ballsofsteelandfury

Author

Reply to Senor Weaselo

September 7, 2015 6:01 pm

The Mexican soccer league already has one hapless team called the Jaguars and they play in the southernmost part of the country in a hot, humid, jungle shithole. So, the precedent has been established. Arriba Jaguares de Futbol Americano!

nomonkeyfun

September 7, 2015 2:04 pm

Hey, it could be worse. At least with the Jaguars, when you’re broken down on the side of the road you’re comfortable. If it were the Jacksonville Morris’ you’d be uncomfortable, and in an ugly place.

Never mind.

Sill Bimmons

Reply to nomonkeyfun

September 7, 2015 3:13 pm

Morris jokes.

Talk about your low-hanging fruit.

nomonkeyfun

Reply to Sill Bimmons

September 7, 2015 4:37 pm

Well, low hanging fruit is atleast harder to use than low hanging balls.

ballsofsteelandfury

Author

Reply to nomonkeyfun

September 7, 2015 9:25 pm

I would have gone with the Jacksonville Robins:

http://i.imgur.com/ddwzctS.gif

Sill Bimmons

September 7, 2015 12:33 pm

This is Year Twenty of the Jacksonville experiment, and I think we can all agree that it hasn’t been a rousing success.

When every single thing the average fan can remember about your franchise is a punchline, you’ve failed rather spectacularly in the footballing business.

As the team that should never have been winds down its US operations, let’s cast our minds back to the few non-punchline moments in Jaguras history:

— 1995: First game
— 1996: Won first two playoff games by identical 30-27 scores
— 1998: Won AFC Central, beat Bledsoe Pats 25-10
— 1999: Won AFC Central, curb-stomped Marino into retirement 62-7
— 2007: Beat Stillers in the Wild Card 31-29

That’s pretty much it!

There are kids who were born into this, who never had a chance in this life. It must be like being born into a carny family or something.

So there you go. Twenty years, five playoff wins.

Jaguras Fever: At Least It’s Not Ebola!

Kungjitsu

Reply to Sill Bimmons

September 7, 2015 7:37 pm

You have no idea how bad it really is. The five playoff wins is still better than the Chiefs (3) and the Lions (1) since the NFL merger, not since the Jags came into the league, since the fucking AFL/NFL merger. Let’s delve into the suck.

– 4(Four) WR’s drafted in the first round in team history. 4( as in every single one of them) bounced out of the league for substance abuse: R.J. Soward, Reggie Williams, Matt Jones, and Justin Blackmon

– With the exception of Tony Boselli, there hasn’t been a Pro Bowl player they haven’t stumbled into. Brunell, McCardell, and Jimmy Smith were all castoffs who happened to wildly exceed expectations. Fred Taylor was only drafted because Curtis Enis was taken by the bears. Coughlin wanted the fat slow 240lb back instead of the 230lb back who ran 4.3 and had 3% body fat. MJD was just supposed to be a return guy. Annnnd scene.

– Jack del Rio impressed Wayne Weaver by having his calendar filled out three years in advance to the quarter hour. How is that not bullshit? And it all ended nine years later with me standing behind del Rio in a pastry shop at 9:30 in the morning on a Friday in November. Most NFL coaches would have already been at work for six and a half hours, but Jackie Rivers knew the team was being sold and he was getting fired, so fuck it he got some eclairs. I would have talked shit to him, but that is a big muhfucka. He was every bit of 6’4″ 270lbs.

— Blake Bortles had the worst QBR in the NFL last year — worse than Geno Smith and Kirk Cousins, and Raheem Abdullah Carr (that’s the Raiders’ QB’s name, right?)– and he isn’t within the Hubble telescope’s range of being the worst QB the Jaguars have drafted in the last five years.

— When St. Louis fucked up in 1994 and the team was awarded to Jacksonville, Jacksonville ALMOST gave it back because a couple of country clubs didn’t want to integrate… in 1994. It’s not that the 20-something Negro players might want to join, but there were going to be a number of team and league reps who um… uh… may not have the closest relationships with our Lord and Savior who were going to be forced to live here and they might want to. These old money pieces of shit actually tried to dig their heels in.

— The Jags just traded their best player, Josh Scobee, to the Steelers for a 6th rounder. The kicker was their best player. Now their best player is the punter who was drafted in the 3rd round five spots ahead of Russell Wilson.

I don’t watch them anymore. They’re boring in the way they suck. There’s no butt fumbles or drama. I want Blake Bortles to start speaking in a fake English accent to troll the fans about the team moving to London, saying shit like tele and pitch and match and innit.