MEH!

The existence of the Houston Texans is an existential question. If a team can nearly makes the playoffs, yet no one is there to watch them or make any noise does the team truly exist?

I went to a Houston Texan’s game back in 2004. The Texans were hosting the Minnesota Vikings. This game went into overtime people! Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, and Marcus Robinson all had a two-touchdown game. The Vikings fans came dressed up in face paint and crazy horns with blonde wigs. While the Texans fans… We’ll the women all had fake blonde hair, and some people wore something that was red white and blue or a David “I don’t Like Sacks” Carr jersey. Oh, but you had to be there. Houston played in Reliant Stadium, in 2004 that stadium was the loudest stadium in the country! They prided themselves on causing other teams to blow through timeouts or get a delay of game penalty. The energy was well flat. I fell asleep in the stands before halftime because it was 14-0 Vikings, and you could hear a pin drop.

But Duchess Texas is a pretty big Football state I mean I hear all the time it is a religion. I find it hard to believe no one cares about the Texans.

Oh no, believe me, football is important to the state of Texas, but there are different types of football fans.

High School Football Fans – Towns shut down and the stadiums put most colleges to shame. If you remember the King of the Hill episode where they are at an away game in Belton. The stadium looks huge, and you may think “Oh the animators must be drawing this up for comedic effect” No, I played against Belton, and that was their stadium. They came out of an inflatable helmet at the end of a tunnel with a fog machine and everything. To put high school football in perspective. Imagine driving through your state and every high school you saw was filled with the equivalent of ‘Bama fan’s. That is Texas High School Football.

College Football Fans – In Texas you are either a Texas Longhorn or ATM Aggie. Some may say they like Baylor or TCU or Texas Tech, but they will tell you that while wearing their burnt orange or maroon shirt. How ridiculous did this rivalry get? Restaurants around both stadiums serve Longhorn beef burgers and steaks. One team markets it as a source of school pride while the other markets it as “HaHa I’m eating your mascot.”

NFL Football Fans – Once again there are two types of NFL fans. Those who cheer for the Dallas Cowboys, and those who do not like the Dallas Cowboys. That is it. The only people who go to a Houston Texans game are fans of the opposing team or people who want to watch a live NFL game but do not want watch the Dallas Cowboys. After Hurricane Katrina, the state was a buzz hoping the Saints would relocate to San Antonio because Texas would have another Not the Cowboys team to watch.

The Texans are so bland that people forget they went 9-7 last season and almost made the playoffs. If you were to ask people at a Houston Texans game to name last season’s starting quarterback, 95% would say Matt Schaub. In fact, I wager if you ask that same question this season, Matt Schaub would still be the number one answer you got. The Texans are so bland I have written the majority of this post about other teams and not once have you thought “Hurry up and get to the part where you talk about the Texans.”

Roster Outlook
Now they may have lost their best WR Andre Johnson and Arian Foster hurt his groin but, fear not, they did draft a Cornerback from Wake Forrest in the first round. Vince WIlfolk joins J.J. “Red State Gronk” Watt  and Jared “I’m no J.J. Watt” Crick on the D-Line, add a healthy Clowney on the Outside with Brian Cushing and Benardrick McKinney on the inside and the Texans have put together a solid starting seven that could even make PFTCommentator proud.If the offense can resemble something competent and get the ball into DeAndre “I Fear God” Hopkins’ hands then they will have another quiet but quality year.

Prediction:

A slow start, but end on a high note. Another 9-7 season, but still no playoffs.
To sum up the Texans in a song check out this Dean Martin classic