INT. GEORGIA DOME – DAY
Astonishingly handsome anchor steps into camera frame.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks, it’s Rikki-Tikki-Deadly here, and I’m reporting LIVE from the Georgia Dome. It is absolutely thunderous in here…[presses finger to earpiece] Hey, Angela?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Yeah…it’s too much. Can you get them to turn it down?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: I don’t know, what’s it at now?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: A four? Seriously? And they thought nobody would notice? [mutters] Idiots. Okay, that’s better. [to cameraman] Ready? Okay. Hi folks, it’s Rikki-Tikki-Deadly here, and I’m reporting LIVE from the Georgia Dome. I’ll be taking a look at the Falcons’ prospects for the upcoming season. Let me tell you folks, I’ve owned Julio Jones in fantasy leagues for three years in a row now, and I don’t think you’ll find a bigger Atlanta Falcons fan than me…
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Wait, what? Oh, yeah, I guess people who own Matt Ryan in two QB leagues…
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Really? Like, people that live around here? No, you’re thinking of the Bulldogs. Yes, the university team. Whatever, let’s move on. In 2011 the Atlanta Falcons mortgaged their future in order to draft stud Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones. He hasn’t been a disappointment by anyone’s definition, and he helped them come within a few yards of a Super Bowl berth in 2012, but they couldn’t get over the hump and the bill has come due. Atlanta has been a non-factor the last two years, tumbling to 4-12 in 2013 and limping to a 6-10 record in the historically bad NFC South last year. Unfortunately it looks like once again they’ll be coming up short this season.
The Falcons have rarely been better than an average team, and that starts with the coaching tree. Mike Smith is such an average coach that even his name is average – consisting of the 4th most common first name and the 1st most common last name in the U.S.
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Really? A new one? When did this happen?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Was this even in the news?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Bullshit. Bull. Shit. I defy you to find a single credible news organization outside of Atlanta local papers that reported this as a headline. [to viewers] Anyhow, my producer is telling me that the Falcons actually fired Mike Smith, and replaced him with former Seattle defensive coordinator Dan Quinn. Quinn sounds like a sensible hire, bringing a new focus to the defense after the squad served at the team’s biggest liability last year.
At the quarterback position, Atlanta is still very solid with Matt Ryan at the helm. Julio Jones will continue to rack up catches and yardage for his fantasy owners, but with Tony Gonzalez gone and Roddy White declining and the team having failed to bring in any vertical threats, Atlanta’s offense will continue to regress. Steven Jackson and Jacquizz “In Your Face” Rodgers are also gone, leaving rushing duties to Devonta Freeman, Antone Smith, and promising rookie Tevin Coleman behind a pedestrian offensive line that Pro Football Focus ranked 26th in the league last year.
In keeping with their new coaching regime, the Falcons focused on defense in the draft, pulling in pass rusher Vic “Beastly” (I assume that’s what these unimaginative hicks will call him) Beasley with their first round pick and taking cornerback Jalen Collins in the second. They signed a few new linebackers in free agency, but didn’t make any huge splashes. Defense has always been something of an afterthought for Atlanta, going all the way back to the Civil War, so it’s nice to see that…
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: That’s not what it’s called, it’s called the Civil War.
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: What, so if I don’t call it the “War of Northern Aggression” I’ll offend the sixteen people who are watching a news report about the Atlanta Falcons?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: Fine, whatever. On special teams, the Falcons…ah, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it.
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
RTD: I just can’t go on pretending that I or anyone else in the world is the least bit excited about this team, or has any affinity for this poorly planned garbage dump of a city. The Falcons are a mediocre team that plays second fiddle to the local college team – half of the crowd at Falcons games consists of a bunch of overfed, inbred hicks who were too drunk and lazy to get out of their seats and go home after the last Georgia State game. As for Atlanta itself, it’s the [air quotes] “cosmopolitan” center of a society where the lowest common denominator is damaging your hearing while watching cars drive fast in a circle, and the highest common denominator is a band named after the diabetes-ridden residents’ favorite brand of personal mobility scooter and what a Georgia dictionary will tell you is the proper spelling of the word “flats”. The only thing culturally relevant that has come out of this city in the last twenty years is Archer and the region’s vaunted “southern hospitality” is simply a thin veneer of respectability used to cover up the virulent racism that permeates the entire…
Transmission cuts off.
[…] not sure why this team has fallen to me to preview over the years. Rikki covered them in the initial year of the site, and I think did a damn fine job half-assing it. Me – well, I […]
Dammit! They cut you off before you got started on that goddamned airport!
I’ve heard the strip clubs in Atlanta are nice. Which is… something.
Where else are you gonna find a strip club with a stripper named Blondie who can crush beer cans with her tits?
If that doesn’t do it for you, there’s always the (literally) 60+ year old stripper.
Man, I do miss going to the Claremont…
Wait, a dog’s eating the Atlanta Falcons? Confused pup, he knows Michael Vick’s in Pittsburgh now, right?
/Old, but nobody went there
I think this might be my favorite of all the team previews so far. The turnstile picture is outstanding.
Why thank you! I worked pretty hard on that image in my ham-fisted, brow-furrowed way.
Yes, the picture and the caption were perfect.
I will never tire of “Sherman through Georgia” jokes.
Although my wife, Georgia, is pretty damn tired of them.
Counterpoint: Outkast.
Valid point.
Also, Killer Mike
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/58436282.jpg
Dirty Bird!
“The only thing culturally relevant that has come out of this city in the last twenty years is Archer…”
You left a significant omission:
http://i.imgur.com/Y8OY3uN.gif
But it is soooooooooo charming to live in Mid-Town or Virginia Highlands! Look! I even restored this house built in 1954 with my own hands! 1954! It’s historic and personifies the struggles of Atlanta rebuilding after being unfairly occupied!
Is that the place on Peachtree Lane? Or Peachtree Blvd? Or Peachtree Street? Y’know, parallel to Peachtree Trail, around the corner from Peachtree Court, and a block south of Peachtree Avenue.
They’re all in the Peachtree District right?
Find me someone who attended a Georgia State football game and I’ll show you a relative of a Georgia State football player.
Fun fact: I applied for a job at Georgia St. but they didn’t want to fly me out for an interview. I think I am eternally grateful for that.
Yeah, originally that was Georgia Bulldogs but at the last minute I realized they don’t play in Atlanta.
You could have gone with “lost idiots thinking they’re at a Georgia Tech game” but even that would be hard to believe.
Yet a ton of folks make the pilgrimage up to Athens anyway.