A Dog’s Breakfast: The 2015 Atlanta Falcons Season Preview

INT. GEORGIA DOME – DAY

Astonishingly handsome anchor steps into camera frame.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi folks, it’s Rikki-Tikki-Deadly here, and I’m reporting LIVE from the Georgia Dome. It is absolutely thunderous in here…[presses finger to earpiece] Hey, Angela?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Yeah…it’s too much. Can you get them to turn it down?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: I don’t know, what’s it at now?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: A four? Seriously? And they thought nobody would notice? [mutters] Idiots. Okay, that’s better. [to cameraman] Ready? Okay. Hi folks, it’s Rikki-Tikki-Deadly here, and I’m reporting LIVE from the Georgia Dome. I’ll be taking a look at the Falcons’ prospects for the upcoming season. Let me tell you folks, I’ve owned Julio Jones in fantasy leagues for three years in a row now, and I don’t think you’ll find a bigger Atlanta Falcons fan than me…

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Wait, what? Oh, yeah, I guess people who own Matt Ryan in two QB leagues…

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Really? Like, people that live around here? No, you’re thinking of the Bulldogs. Yes, the university team. Whatever, let’s move on. In 2011 the Atlanta Falcons mortgaged their future in order to draft stud Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones. He hasn’t been a disappointment by anyone’s definition, and he helped them come within a few yards of a Super Bowl berth in 2012, but they couldn’t get over the hump and the bill has come due. Atlanta has been a non-factor the last two years, tumbling to 4-12 in 2013 and limping to a 6-10 record in the historically bad NFC South last year. Unfortunately it looks like once again they’ll be coming up short this season.

The Falcons have rarely been better than an average team, and that starts with the coaching tree. Mike Smith is such an average coach that even his name is average – consisting of the 4th most common first name and the 1st most common last name in the U.S.

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Really? A new one? When did this happen?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Was this even in the news?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Bullshit.  Bull. Shit. I defy you to find a single credible news organization outside of Atlanta local papers that reported this as a headline. [to viewers] Anyhow, my producer is telling me that the Falcons actually fired Mike Smith, and replaced him with former Seattle defensive coordinator Dan Quinn. Quinn sounds like a sensible hire, bringing a new focus to the defense after the squad served at the team’s biggest liability last year.

At the quarterback position, Atlanta is still very solid with Matt Ryan at the helm. Julio Jones will continue to rack up catches and yardage for his fantasy owners, but with Tony Gonzalez gone and Roddy White declining and the team having failed to bring in any vertical threats, Atlanta’s offense will continue to regress. Steven Jackson and Jacquizz “In Your Face” Rodgers are also gone, leaving rushing duties to Devonta Freeman, Antone Smith, and promising rookie Tevin Coleman behind a pedestrian offensive line that Pro Football Focus ranked 26th in the league last year.

In keeping with their new coaching regime, the Falcons focused on defense in the draft, pulling in pass rusher Vic “Beastly” (I assume that’s what these unimaginative hicks will call him) Beasley with their first round pick and taking cornerback Jalen Collins in the second. They signed a few new linebackers in free agency, but didn’t make any huge splashes. Defense has always been something of an afterthought for Atlanta, going all the way back to the Civil War, so it’s nice to see that…

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: That’s not what it’s called, it’s called the Civil War.

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: What, so if I don’t call it the “War of Northern Aggression” I’ll offend the sixteen people who are watching a news report about the Atlanta Falcons?

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD: Fine, whatever. On special teams, the Falcons…ah, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it.

PRODUCER: [inaudible]

RTD:  I just can’t go on pretending that I or anyone else in the world is the least bit excited about this team, or has any affinity for this poorly planned garbage dump of a city. The Falcons are a mediocre team that plays second fiddle to the local college team – half of the crowd at Falcons games consists of a bunch of overfed, inbred hicks who were too drunk and lazy to get out of their seats and go home after the last Georgia State game. As for Atlanta itself, it’s the [air quotes] “cosmopolitan” center of a society where the lowest common denominator is damaging your hearing while watching cars drive fast in a circle, and the highest common denominator is a band named after the diabetes-ridden residents’ favorite brand of personal mobility scooter and what a Georgia dictionary will tell you is the proper spelling of the word “flats”. The only thing culturally relevant that has come out of this city in the last twenty years is Archer and the region’s vaunted “southern hospitality” is simply a thin veneer of respectability used to cover up the virulent racism that permeates the entire…

Transmission cuts off.