Andy Reid Arrives Late to Practice

[Kansas City Chiefs Locker Room]

Jeremy Maclin: Hey Coach Culley, thanks for feeding us this morning. These catering companies here in KC really know how to put together a great spread. Sure is a lot better than those smoothies we were getting everyday back in Philly.

David Culley: My pleasure. I wanted to make sure everyone had a nice, lean breakfast before heading out into the hot sun all day. You’ve gotta treat your body right, you know.

Maclin: Absolutely. Although, I don’t think I’ve seen Coach Reid yet this morning…

Culley: You’re right. He’s usually here first thing, but I didn’t see him in his office earlier. I hope he had his breakfast, because everything here’s all gone.

Maclin: WHAT?! Oh God no!

[A low rumbling is heard in the background]

Culley: Huh? What are you so worried about?

[The rumbling gets louder]

Maclin: You mean, you don’t know?! If Coach Reid doesn’t eat here, then he–

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Andy Reid: Sorry I’m late everybody! Ran into a bit of traffic this morning! Can you believe there were twenty people in front of me in the Sonic drive-thru?! I kept telling them I was going to be late to breakfast, but that didn’t seem to matter to them! Anyway, what’s on the menu this morning, David?

Culley: Uh, Coach, everyone’s finished eating, and the catering folks left. They cleaned up and took the leftovers with them.

[Reid’s face suddenly goes very pale]

Reid: They… They what?

[Culley turns to glance at Maclin, but he is no longer there]

Culley: They took the leftovers with them. I’m sorry, I thought you were here and already got to eat.

[Reid’s eye twitches once, and he begins to speak slowly, almost as if wincing in pain]

Reid: That’s… okay. We can, just go about practicing. Like normal. Would you round up the team so we can… begin?

Culley: Sure thing.

[The entire team gathers in front of Reid after a minute]

Reid: Good morning, Chiefs. I’d like to, build off of yesterdays practice. I know I’m not the only one, that is very excited to see Eric Berry back.

[Reid licks his lips]

Reid: You’ve been making some great plays out there. It’s really amazing that you can continue to play, with such veal after everything else that’s happened.

Eric Berry: Thanks Coach!

Reid: We’re heading out to face the Texans soon. I don’t think we have any beef with them, but be careful out there. We need extra blocking, on offense against their fried seven… Especially now that Fisher is playing a new position.

[Reid’s stomach suddenly growls so loudly, the whole room rattles and a helmet falls out of a locker]

Alex Smith: Coach? Are you okay?

Reid: Huh? Yes, Apple Sauce, I’m just fine.

[The whole team starts to laugh as Reid begins to drool]

Albert Wilson: Apple Sauce! It’s perfect, because you’re so White!

Reid: [Muttering to self]: Apricot waffles…

Marcus Peters: And boring!

Reid: Mild peppers…

Jamaal Charles: And seriously, any of us can throw further than you.

Reid: Jerked chicken…

Smith: What the hell guys?! Look, I know no wide outs got a touchdown last year, but that won’t happen again. It can’t! We can only go up from here, right Coach?

Smith: …Coach?

[Reid tackles Smith to the floor]

Reid: Quit struggling Apple Sauce! I’ll get you this time!

[A few players move in to pull Reid off of Smith, but with no success]

Reid: No! It’s mine!

[Suddenly, a cheeseburger is flung at Reid from the back of the room]

[Reid catches it in his mouth and swallows it whole. After a moment he seems to come to his senses]

Reid: Alex? What’s going on? How did we get down here?

Maclin: Is everybody okay?

Smith: Yeah, I think so.

Reid: I knew I brought you back for a reason Jeremy! Say, you don’t happen to have any bacon laying around, do you?

Maclin: We’ll get you some in a minute, Coach. Get those catering folks back here, right now!

[Culley hurries off while Maclin pulls Smith to his feet]

Maclin: This isn’t the first time this has happened. I always try to keep a spare burger around, just in case. Poor Kolb. He never was the same after Coach thought he was candy corn…

Smith: Yesh… Well, thanks. Nice throw, by the way.

Maclin: No problem. I just wish I could throw to myself out there, Apple Sauce.