Team Preview Parade: NEYW ORLINS SAYNTS

Please note: dementia is a horrific condition- one that I have watched ravage two loved ones- and something that should not be made light of under any circumstances. Unless you’re a billionaire asshole who has surrounded himself with terrible people all his life and made a business of consigning healthy young men to premature avoidable dementia from CTE. Then it’s open fucking season.

What?

You want to know about the Saints? I used to own a team called the Saints. And the Pelicans…right? No, that can’t be right, who would name a sports team after a goofy-looking fish bird? Might as well name Miami’s team after how goddamn hot it is down there.

What? I still own the Saints? Well hot damn! It’s like finding a dollar in a pair of slacks you haven’t worn in a while. One time, I signed Billy Joe Tolliver only to find out later that we already had Billy Joe Hobert! And we only had him because I thought he was Bobby Hebert, come out of retirement. Ah, we had some good drugs back then. Did I tell you about the time David Duke was so twisted he brought a black stripper to the luxury box? [Five minute of laughter and pause while Benson catches his breath].

Oh. Right. The Saints. Well, I think we still have that guy. No the other guy. The one with the thing on his cheek that we’re not supposed to talk about. I mean seriously, he should have that looked at. My friend Vernon’s sister had a mole like that. Kept saying it was nothing, no need to go to the doctor, even though Vern knew a dermatologist who went to the same racquetball club as he did and said he would take a look at it and she knew that Ethel’s husband’s first wife had passed away from The Melanoma. Vern even made her an appointment, but she said she was having brunch with her bridge club at that time, so she didn’t go. Died from an infection she got from undercooked Eggs Benedict. I’m not saying the mole killed her directly, but maybe if she had gone to the doctor like Vern asked she would still be with us.

Breeze? Yes, there is a bit of a draft in here. HATTIE! CLOSE THEM WINDOWS! FEELS LIKE WE GOT ANOTHER HURRICANE COMIN’ THROUGH THE PARLOR! AND BRING ME ANOTHER HURRICANE WITH EXTRA PASSION FRUIT! Oh, you mean Drew? Yeah, him. Good man. Believes in keeping his place in charge even after events have made it clear that he’s too old and decrepit to be effective, which I appreciate. Dresses up like Noah, because he thinks he brought the city through after it was all flooded. Spot-faced bastard…another two losing seasons and I could have finally moved the team to San Antonio…

So yes. We finally got rid of that uppity light-skinned fellow who thought he was worth more than he was. IF YOU’VE A DROP OF TIGHT END IN YOU, YOU ARE A TIGHT END! We also got rid of that Junior Galette. I was a little cross with Loomis for that, because he just released him outright. A black overseer with a whip-hand like that? Jerry Richardson would have paid good money for that in a trade. And maybe he wouldn’t have narc’d on Sean Payton. I don’t even know what “molly” is, other than this young lady I knew in college. Molly had spirit- in those days, things were a little looser, you know, and if you bought a girl a nice dinner at the Automat both you and she knew that you were expecting a little something in return later on. God, I miss Automats- you’d get a pocketful of nickels and you could get anything you wanted from the machines, and you didn’t even have to tip a waitress or anything. Not that I did even in normal restaurants- you don’t make my kind of money by giving it away to some serving person who’s already making a perfectly good 25 cents an hour. People all expect a handout these days, instead of working for it. That’s why I make Gayle only give donations to places that already have lots of money, like Tulane and the Catholic Church. Not like those good-for-nothing grandkids and their mother…Rachael? Rhonda? Something with an “r”. In my day, we had more respect for our elders, even if they were storing donuts in the sheep zipper.

Win? Win what? Football? Maybe. Do we still play in the same division with Carolina and the Arthur Blanks and the Butt Pirates? Yeah, maybe. I mean, last year 53 chimps coached by Ronald Reagan’s corpse could have won the NFC South, and no one has gotten any better, so anything is possible. I think I saw that movie…”Bonzo Goes To South Bend” I think it was called…

Maybe Brees will have a better season. “Dave,” I said to him after last season, “you look old out there. What you need to do this off-season is get your pep back. What you need to do is get a bottle of Doctor Mantrin’s Patented Carbolic Vigor Tonic. Rub it on your chest and elbows every night before bed, and your manparts after every bowel movement. It’ll fix you up in two shakes of a burlesque dancer’s behind. Don’t know if he did it though. Still hasn’t gotten that spot looked at. My friend Vernon’s sister had a mole like that…

AND SCENE!

Slightly more serious preview:

Shit, I don’t know.

They really haven’t improved in any real way that I can see. Anthony Spencer could have been a good addition (and a much-needed one after Galette’s DEVO impression went public) but he went and got injured. They shipped Kenny Stills off to Miami for no real help, and of course sent Jimmy Graham to Seattle. Max Unger is fine, but resulting first-round pick in the trade Stephone Anthony isn’t a starter even in the Saints’ depleted (and already terrible) linebacking corps.

They built the only real success in franchise history around giving Brees such a multitude of offensive options that the opposing team (and fantasy owners) could not predict which of five adequate receivers would have a big game. Jimmy Graham bucked this trend, but you couldn’t stop him even when you knew the ball was going his direction. Now, Brees is looking at three options on every pass play: deep vertical to Brandin Cooks, limping curl to Colston, or checkdown to whichever stone-handed running back is in (since CJ Spiller’s knees will have exploded in pregame warmups).

The offensive desolation is exacerbated by the defense’s inability to hold a lead. We all love Rob Ryan as a dude, but he has a bad track record if he’s not given decent personnel. It’s time we admit that if we pulled a Madden/Belichick, put “N.O. Def Coord” next to his career stats and a bland face on his avatar, he’d be out of a job.

So yeah. Ugly ownership/management succession fight in the offing, ugly offense, ugly defense, ugly fans. It’s possible that they rebound (their 2006 season surprised the hell out of most of us) but other than praying for another sub-.500 division winner, I don’t see much chance for them.

Prediction: