Get Out Alive: Elevator Jam

Look, I’m two grand-plus deep into my dog having recent health issues including an enormous lump on his back that came out of nowhere for which I am awaiting biopsy results. Worse yet, spending two days at the vet last week (after their first shot at ‘take this antibiotic’ put him at the edge of death that I had to pay them to bring him back from) didn’t do much for his psyche so I was happy to be locked inside the house all weekend hanging out with him.

Still, we only took in America’s least-broadcasted game (ARI at CHI) and the last quarter of SNF. The 20 minutes it took me to get stuck in this ‘lift’ (as that hipster heading up to his internship at the rooftop bistro would call it) is the longest I’ve been away from Bandit since Friday night so, when the lights dim and the music stops, don’t ask me about my weekend, don’t ask me when the firefighters are coming to get us out — just shut up and listen to some generic NFL fan talking points from Week 2, you big fat bitch, don’t worry I’m sure someone in the office will brew a weak ass pot of coffee for everyone at the firm to remind them that, yep, Monday.

QB Injuries (Follow Up): Derek Carr (OAK) returned from last week’s injuries to lead a thrilling comeback victory over the Ravens while Vintage JFF is slowly unseating McCown (CLE) by defeating the Titans in the battle of excellent uniforms. Your Response: (re: Carr) “So which city rioted as a result of the outcome?” (re: McCown) “Hey, at least he’ll still get a ring.”

QB Injuries (New): Jay Cutler actually ran an impressive start to the game, including some scrambles and a well executed read-option keeper play. Then the announcers praised his 8 for 8 start and Jay threw a pick directly at the DB who ran it back for a TD, stiff-arming a [trying to tackle?] Cutler in route. Somehow Cutler is out with a hamstring injury. Your Response: Doooooonnnn’tttttttt Caaaarrrrrreeeeeeeee.

QB Injuries (New – America’s Team): Tony Romo (DAL) broke his collarbone (just like in 2010) in a victory over the Eagles on America’s Game of the Week. ESPN reports that Doopy Pantz can lead the ‘Boys to the playoffs. Your Response: What do you mean you don’t know who Doopy Pantz is?

Other Significant Injuries: A Williams (BUF) taken to hospital, D Rogers-Cromartie (NYG) possible concussion, M Kendricks (PHI). Your Response: Thank goodness none of those guys are on my fantasy team!

National Coverage: Seattle fell to Green Bay as pretty much the oldest/best fan base sent the newest/worst fan base to 0-2. Your Response: What kind of world is this where neither the winning nor losing quarterback of SNF goes home and slays some serious pussy?

Fantasy Play: Stock down for Carlos Hyde (SF) and the St Louis Defense. Your Response: It’s alright, I got a system. And I get another shot each morning with the one-day fantasy leagues at Fan Duel Dot Com! Fan Duel – Sign up today!

Social Media Activities: Noted #contentgenerator Stephen A Smith mocked Jay Cutler for getting hurt. Your Response:

MNF: Jets vs Colts in a…AFC game. Your Response: (1) Pretty sorry when they can’t push a ‘Battle of the Undefeated!” in Week 2. (2) So when will the Colts get to hang their banner for hosting MNF?